Please remove your book from my knickers DS

[TheSkiingGardener]

said to my 11 month old who presented me with a book to read to him while I was on the loo.

Any other things you never, ever thought you would say?

LO is only 2 so haven't really said anything like this yet but this is something I never thought I'd hear being said. My brothers kids are teenagers now and this was a memorable family visit when they were about 5 and 7 years old. *Names have been changed.

Dniece (shouting downstairs): "Grandma! Jamie's stuck his toothbrush up the end of his willy and now he's putting toothpaste on it!"

Dmother (shouting upstairs): "Jamie! Take your toothbrush out of your willy and brush your teeth properly!"

Yes I did say you could have a chocolate button. Yes I did accidentally give you two buttons. I'm very sorry. I'll take those two away and give you a solitary button instead as promised. Two buttons was not what you were expecting, or indeed desiring, I can see.

'No, we don't put pennies in your foo foo they are very small and could get lost in side you'

''Take the 2p out out of your foo foo. We don't put ANYTHING in our foo foo'

'I don't care of your poo looks juicey you can't eat poo'

'I'm sure daddy doesn't eat poo'

"Please please pleeeease don't call your teacher a bossypants again!"

"DON'T LICK THE BIN!!!!"

"Yes love, that poo poo certainly does look like an ice cream."

"No, you dont have an adam's apple on your leg. It's your ankle."

"Why on earth are you eating that?!!! It's FROZEN broccolli!!"

DD: 2.10

Don't hit people with the Baby Jesus (from her wooden nativity scene).

(Courtesy of a friend) "Please don't pick your nose in public. Everyone likes to pick their nose and play with their bits but we don't do either in public."

Yes that's definately a lady. No really. Can we discuss this later.

The baby comes out of my tummy down a stretchy tunnel.

We only say 'bloody' and 'completely buggered' at home dear. Some people don't like it.

Please put some knickers on. We all wear them - honestly we do.

Funniest thing I've read all week - thanks TheSkiingGardener

No, of course you didn't kill that fish. It jumped out the lake on its own and stopped breathing.

The dogs are only trying to lick your butt because they can smell the meatballs you had for dinner. It would help if you would just put your pjs on.

Have a boyfriend other than your Father?!!! OF COURSE NOT!!!!

"No, I'm not answering to Megamind anymore."

"Why is there shepherds pie in your juice?"

"How have you lost your socks at nursery?"

"Where did you poo?"

Oh... Remembered a few more...

"Don't put it in the bin..."
Then, two minutes later
"NOOOO! You don't take it back out of the bin to eat it! You've got another one on your plate!"

"Why is there stew on the walls?"

(After finding DS had painted the walls with the contents of my make up bag)
"What's that?" DS..."Fireworks, Mummy. Pretty fireworks go BANG!"

"I cannot kiss your tongue better, sorry sweetheart"

"DS, why are my notes pink?"

littlemad I don't speak Otter and neither do you so just tell me what you want for breakfast in English please.

These are fabulous had to stop reading at work yesterday as there was almost an shameful incident I was laughing so much.

stops trying to wax your sister arm with sellotape

no, dont try and stick your toe up her bum

no you can eat it off the floor, just pour some more cereal
and
dont just walk through the spilt cereal

arrrrghhhhh

they were just this morning

STOP SHOUTING!!!!

(yes, even as I shouted it I could see the hypocrisy)

Those fancy ladies aren't ladies.

Yes I do like ice cream. I just don't want your ice cream on my mashed potato. Yes, maybe later. (???? What did I think was going to change later?)

That man has got purple hair, you're right. No, I don't think it's because he's a monster. No, really, he's not... please don't scream, sshhhh, ok let's run away....

Let's only call them boobies at home, ok? When we're shopping and buying them, let's call them blueberries. Well, because that's what they are really called. (And people are looking at me in a funny way because you are yelling 'look Mummy, boobies' really really loudly.)

:o best thread for ages!

'No ds, please stop licking that girls shoes' (said several times on one trip to the park)

'ohhh can mummy have that carving knife please...'

'because I said so.....'

'for the love of god ds, please stop putting my knickers out of the window'

'nope, it's not a snack, it's uncooked spaghetti'

'DO NOT hit your sister with the hammer...Put it down!!!'

'Don't eat his toes, stop STOP - I didn't mean they were REAL cheese'

'DD (10) please stop telling your friends that mummy uses a 'bucket thing' instead of tampons. It's called a mooncup and it's private!'

'No love, I don't think having more is a good idea, your tummies poorly....' - said to DS (2) who threw his cereal up into his bowl and promptly tried to re-eat it....

"Can you leave now, I have to wipe my bum?"

By then I'd given up asking for solitary pooing prvileges.

'please don't put your pants on the cat'
'no, i don't think daddy would like a poo sandwich'
'please don't tell the shop keeper that mummy is wearing pink knickers'

"You're not the welcoming committee, please sit down", as DS shouted hiya at everyone entering the doctors waiting room as if they were his oldest, dearest, long-lost friend and attempted to hug them.

"Stop feeding porridge to your dinosaur ... because he doesn't like it ... because dinosaurs don't eat porridge, they eat meat ... take your fingers out of it's mouth, they'll get stuck ... told you so" - breakfast this morning, he's really into asking "why?" after every sentence.

"Snorting and waving it in my face isn't going to make me give you any money", he wanted pennies for his piggy bank so decided a pig impression and some rattling would persuade me to donate, DH did come through to check on us though when he heard me say it.

"Daddy is not at the 'beer bar', he's at work!"

I'm fighting a losing battle I think. Every day he learns to speak a little more so it's just going to get worse!

Brilliant thread op

Most of the things I say to DSs have already been said anything to do with poo, willies and bogeys

If hitting yourself in the head with a monkey hurts, STOP DOING IT.

Still laughing at Quenelle's "Where did you leave your poo?"

"stop putting your finger up your willy"

"no, you can't have my red bra, I'm wearing it"

"Ow! I've told you before, stop biting my bottom!"

"Was that handful of sand/soil/compost not very tasty?"

Another mummy called my SIL after their 7yos' playdate:
"I've just got my DD undressed for her bath; why does she have "buttocks" written on her backside in pen?"

"Oh look DS, you've weed on the floor. Well done you. NO don't put your hand in it!!!"

"DD, take those stones out of your mouth."

"DD, that isn't a stone, it's rabbit poo. Put it down!"

"What do you mean you put your new shoes under the pushchair, DS? But there's only one there now...."

just now, to ds, stop standing in my pants!

they aare a useful stepping stone to climb up mummy, but those sharp toenails on ones bottom.... ouch