Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Dear ds

I know I left you howling at nursery. And I hated it. but I'm quite sure you'll be ok in a bit and have a lovely day today. Please calm down for the lovely nursery girls so that they can reassure me when I ring back!
You did have a great time there last week!

X

Dear XH,

I don't hate anyone, but you're the closest I've ever come to it.

It's been 7 1/2 years now. One might think that that is quite enough time to calm yourself and take some responsibility for what happened. You and I both know you lied, and I have never told anyone we know what really happened throughout our marriage. I have allowed them to think for all this time that I am the baddie and you're the saint and I am happy to continue to do so. I'm fine with the fact that that lost me a lot of 'friends' (all of whom were my friends first, because you never had any).

But seriously, stop it. Stop the blatant rudeness, bitterness and ridiculous passive-aggression. It doesn't make you look good to anyone, except maybe your simpering behemoth of a fiancée. And quite frankly, anyone who is impressed by your behaviour has to be some kind of moron. The children are starting to notice, and you'll lose them if you carry on. I don't want that. I never say anything bad about you within their earshot. You slag me off all the time around them. Yet they seem to be coming down on my side. Funny that. They're smart. Really smart. Luckily they got my brains and your eyes.

Just be civil. That's all I have ever asked of you.

Regards,
That bitch.

PS That new beard makes you look like your fat head is on upside-down.

-------

Dear K,

I'm glad you're bigger than him.

It means that hopefully he won't use his hands to get what he wants.

Don't marry him. RUN!

Regards,
That bitch.

Dear Hamster,

Thanks for returning. And sorry for putting olive oil on your wheel... I know you kept slipping off all night...

She who feeds you x

Dear dd2,

Well done. It can't have been easy but you have done the right thing and he will see that soon. Am very proud of you.

Mum x

Dear DH
Please just admit that your back is especially painful today after you jarred it by sneezing in the shower . We know from long experience if you rest it and take medication it will probably improve.
Insisting on coming shopping while you are obviously in pain is just foolish. Seeing you wince your way around the supermarket was painful and annoying for me.
I'm glad I have ordered you to rest you are resting now. Please continue to do so until you are recovered.
IL

PS I'll bring you up a cup of tea in a minute when I've finished Mumsnetting

Dear Eastenders,

I have forgotten the last name of the bloke who is in charge there, but I know his first name is Brian. Well Brian - your storyline about Kat & Alfies baby has reduced me to a sobbing wreck tonight. I wanted to tell you that this has never happened in this country before. It was a very far fetched story line and it has saddened me and many of my 'bereaved mums' MN friends. I know that you will never read this and, if you do, my note to you would not make any difference. I just want you to know that I wish someone had swopped my Gareth and Matthew and then, a little while later, given them back.

You have made my heart hurt tonight...and, yes I know its just a soap and not real.

Shabbs

.

Dear cats,

Whichever one of you sinned in the litter tray about half an hour ago should be ashamed of themselves. Seriously.

Dear Birds

Stop shitting on my car just because I've parked under "your" tree.

If you do have to shit, please aim away from the spot at the very centre of my windscreen; this will obscure my vision and may cause me to have a most horrible accident.

Then you'll be sorry, won't you.

Love

Marlinspike XX

Dear Shabba

. You write so beautifully about your boys and I really hope Brian is listening to you and can spare mums (parents) like you further heartbreak by listening in the future. (I know its too late with this storyline - mores the pity)

Helium

Dear God

I pray every night and still you ignore me.

Please just give me breathing space before pulling the rug from under me. Everytime I think things are on the up there you go again. I can no longer believe that during the hard times you carry me. I carry me I pull myself up time and time again and to be honest i'm jsy sick of it. I 'm losing faith. Sorry but, there it is. Please give me a sign or a break I'm at breaking point

Exo

Dear DD

You are my reason for living. Never forget that. I hope things get easier for you. The world must be a scary place for you not fitting in to what society thinks is the norm. I will do all I can, I'm sorry I know it's not my fault but I still feel guilty. You are perfect in my eyes.

My love to the end of the world and back

Mama xx

Dear Supreme Being, whichever mould you might fit.

When you sent me a chidl with AS I dealt with it; when you sent me another with more severe Autism I delat with that, and when I was told ds2 had SEN I kept the tears hidden. When Dh developed health isues I kept his head up and sorted it.

But giving my last child autism on top again is a piss take and I will never forgive you.

Cheers for that.

Dear Peachy,

You sound a million times stronger than I am. Thank you

Exo

(stop it LOL! you amde me laugh, ta X)

Dear Fil
the reason I go to bed when early when you are here is because you snore like a trooper making the alls vibrate and I have to be asleep before you come to bed otherwise I don't sleep at all.
Please don't take the piss out of me going to bed early otherwise I may have to shout at you.
Greyksull

Peachy

Dear dd,I KNOW you are "non-verbal" but screeching at the top of your lungs when I tell you off for hitting your db contravenes the environmental health noise nuisance guidelines and I already had a headache.Also clamping your mouth shut when I try to brush your teeth is not helpful
Love mummy

Dear You

Last night I had a great time, you made me laugh and I got butterflies.
I meant it when I said I want to see you again, you made me weak at the knees when we kissed. And No you are not the first lady I have kissed, but you are one of the best. I didn't expect us to end the night kissing but no, I don't regret it. Surely the fact I text you today tells you that?

I meant it, it was great to get talking to you last night and I can't wait to see you again

xx

Dear headache,

You have been here for over a week. Also I feel sick all the time.

Please fuck the fuck off.

Thx,
Toby

----

Dear boobs,

When did you get so bloody enormous?

B cup to C cup during period week is painful but bearable.

B cup to D cup and not going away a week post-period is neither fun nor funny.

People are starting to stare and I only have one bra that fits me.

Please deflate.

Thanks. I'd be ever so grateful.

TobyLeBoobs

Dear body,
What are you playing at. Noone can possibly need that much sleep and waking up nauseous? Seriously? This is only the first month of trying we've only had sex about 4 times and it's day 12 or 13 - there is no way in hell you can be pregnant already, so stop acting like it. It's silly.
love
The sensible part of my brain.

Dear TobyLeBoobs

Has your DP been spotted rubbing at an old lamp recently and muttering about three wishes?

Your bra may be experiencing wish numero uno. Just sayin'

Yours,

Aladdin

Dear Aladdin,

I think you might be on to something there. He does seem pretty bloody pleased with himself lately.

If wish numero deux is that my arse gets smaller, maybe he will escape punishment.

Thanks for the info,

TobyLeBoobs

Dear inconsiderate cunts who park in my road,

Seriously, fuck off.

Yours with loathing,
Very obviously pregnant and hot, tired, pissed off woman with toddler and four bags of heavy shopping

P.S. Please don't feel you need to offer to help carry or anything. No really, I'll be fine.

Dear neighbour.

Your dog cannot possibly know what you want him to do when you scream his name, when, as far as I can tell, your bellow means "come here" "stop that" "stop barking" and a dozen other things at different times.

Simply screaming your dog's name does not tell your dog what you want! Please stop it, because I am sick to death of hearing his name. Just his name. Nothing else. And no attempt from you to DO anything.

DOG!
DOOOOOOG!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!

well sorry. but your dog doesn't know that "DOOOG" means come here / go there / sit down / stop that.

He just wonders why you're saying his name.

If you can't control your dog, then perhaps you shouldn't have bought him.

Dear DC's Dad.
I know you are struggling, but you are an intelligent man, so shouting to DS that you are taking him to his Nana's just as you leave, and then shouting 'think again' when he objected was meant to achieve what exactly? You know how much she has hurt him and being so bloody flippant and then pretending you didn't realise what you were doing is fucking disingenuous of you.
I am trying really hard here, please, just because I am starting to do 'ok', don't keep stirring things up to off foot me. I deserve better. It has taken me a very very long time to believe that, but I DO. You wouldn't have treated the mother of your other children like this so please, please, stop it.
I am actually trying to maintain some of the respect I have had for the man I shared nearly a 3rd of my life with and had two gorgeous children with, but it chips away at it when you seem to be so hell bent on pulling the rug from under my feet.
For all that has passed, it gives me no pleasure to see you so troubled and I wish with all my heart that you would talk to someone, DSS2, a doctor, someone,......... there is, I think a decent man in there, who untangled would have something to give.
And we only have each other to bring our DC's up, if we can't do it amicably and civilly, things will just be too crap to imagine. But I can't keep biting my tongue when you feel incapable of controlling yours. I did it for far too long.
For what we have had, the children we brought into the world, I ask you please, stop.
Mittz x

Dear Mum

Thanks

PFBx