Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Dear dds

I try every day to get it right by you, but sometimes I lose my temper. Forgive me for this, you are and always will be the light of my lives.

Dear dh

You are the most amazing man I have ever known and sometimes I feel as if I don't deserve you. You are my best friend, my rock, my confidante and my true love. And you look particularly good with your shirt off.

Bolts x

'lights of my life' even!

Dear Mumsnet.

Will you please stop fucking about with the site.

Thank you.

Dear Hecate

Thank you for saying what a lot of us are thinking.

Love Fab.

Dear Mrs S

Your dh doesn't know why he married you and is only staying for your child.

Love Fab.

Dear Hecate

I'm not happy with those blimmin drop-down twitter and facebook thingies that keep obscuring the top of page posts.

Love Fell.

Dear neighbours

Fuck off.

Then fuck off a bit more.

I am tired of being unfailingly nice to you when you are just being a pair of bitches for no reason, other than because you can.

Oh yes, and why don't you fuck off a bit more after that.

Many thanks

Littlefish

Dear Fab

Don't do anything stupid, there is nothing to gain and lots to lose.

Love Fab.

Dear MrFab

I hate feeling like I don't trust you but I can't help it.

Love Fab.

Dear FabKids

If you fight tomorrow like you did today I will cry.

Love Fab.

Dear Mumsnet,

I like the new layout, very clear to use. Please don't take any notice of the naysayers, they are getting old and grumpy and don't understand why things have to change. :o

Kind regards ( I hate that expression)

Al0uiseg

Dear Ds1,

You got vaguely irritating when you turned 13. Now you're 14 you are really pissing me off. Sort it out.

Thanks

Mum x

arf.

Dear Alouiseg

I know you understand computers and are very quick to grasp the technical nettle, but please spare a thought for us useless luddites. I've only just come to terms with the last time they moved everything around.

Lots of love

Your friend Fell.

Dear FellatioNelson,

VHS/BETAMAX, don't be a statistic.

Your (more techy, less highbrow) friend

Al0uiseG

OK. I'll try to learn to love it. I might be bumping into things and getting lost for a few days though.

Dear colleague x

You piss me off and have done since your first day, three years ago, when you asked for an invitation to my wedding which was 5 months down the line.

I am not your friend and have no desire to be. You are a liar and a shit-stirrer and a gossip who tries to turn everyone else's lives around to yourself. Your current situation is one you have already faked at least once. So when you ask, (on your first day back), whether I missed you, please don't get offended when I tell the truth and say No.

You know by now that I am honest and will always give my truthful opinion. The reason I say it so bluntly to you is that you do not understand the meaning of tact. You do not seem to get that when a person says "it's not to my taste" for example, they may just mean "that is truly gopping". So I am a bit more direct with you just so that there can be no misunderstanding.

Oh and one final thing. I will never give you, or authorise anyone else to give you, my phone number. So stop asking.

Yours, nutella.

Dear Alousise

If you call me old again, I shall no longer share my parma violets with you.

Respectfully yours,
Hec

Dear Hangover

Please go away. I know you're entirely my fault, but still.

Your queasy host
OTHM

Dear Friday-Thursday,

Thanks for getting here so quickly.

Love,
Toby

---

Dear Rest of the days until 3rd May,

Please go MUCH slower than this week has.

Thanks,
Toby

Dear Fab

How much better do you feel now that you behaved last night?

Dear the lovely ladies in Waitrose

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It meant more than you would think.

Love Fab.

Dear 5 DC, yes ALL of you,

please, I am literally begging you, stop fighting, arguing and trashing the house like a trail of mini tornados.

I am trying my hardest not to shout at you and get cross but you are seriously pushing my buttons. I just want to tidy up

Lots of love, Mum.

Dear DS
You are fab; you are clever, funny and so very sweet. I love the hugs and kisses you give to me. I know I can be shouty sometimes and I don't always let you get what you want, but I promise you it is done out of love and you are so very precious to me. And if you really want to play out in the sun all day you have to have suncream on and I would prefer you wore a hat, but I guess I can't have everything!
Mummy xxx

Dear DH,
I love you so very much. I am so sorry my sex drive is so very all over the place at the moment, it will get better I promise. I love that you find me sexy even when I don't but could I just remind you that I have erogenous zones other than my tits and ass!!! Thank you for working your ass off so I can be a SAHM, I love that you get why I didn't want to go back to work after DS was born and supported me all the way. Please remember that DS is only 21 months old, he is going to be shouty and boisterous and naughty and get into everything. He doesn't do it to piss you off, he is exploring, we have to give him bounderies but not ones so small he can do nothing. He adores you and you are a great dad, please remember that.
All my love always,
Your DW xxx

Dear DPs,
I love you more than you will ever know, I guess I am just too much like Dad and don't like expressing it. Mum I am so sorry you think I am blocking you out of our lives, I am not. You do actually have 3 other grandchildren, telling me DS is your only one, and that Dad feels the same, when I consider my D half siblings my full DSis and DB's is not going to go down well!! Please remember you see DS a lot more than his other DGPs and enjoy the time you get with him rather than complaining at me that you don't see him enough! And if we do move away (like me and DH want to) it isn't to get away from you or to annoy you, it is because DH (and I) really think we would have a better quality of life where we want to move to
Your loving (but somewhat exasperated) DD xxx

Dear DPiLs,
Thank you for being so understanding about seeing me, DH and DS so rarely. We love spending time with you and wish we could do it more often, life just keeps getting in the way. With any luck DH will get a new job near to you and we can move down your way very soon - I guess you will be sick of the sight of us in very short time .
Your loving DDiL xxx

Dear DH's Boss,
You are working my very clever, talented and exceptional DH into the ground. He is working very long hours for insufficient pay and has done since the start of the company. Stop keeping him so busy he can't look for the new job he wants and needs and expecting him to produce miracles with naff all staff and no money! I know you think you he is being awkward but he really isn't, he is giving you an honest answer and just because you don't like or agree with the answer doesn't mean he is wrong or trying to sabotage your plans!!
Yours,
Very pissed off wife!

Dear J,
Yes I know you think I agreed to become a member of your team, I really didn't! Stop pushing me to do something I really don't want to do. I will be telling you I am not interested in going forward with everything shortly, but I needed to do the shouty thing here so I don't actually shout at you in person!!
L

Dear OP,
Thank you for doing this thread!
Me x

Dear Everyone who has posted,
Thank you, I have laughed (tea + monitor = not good!) , cried and been amazed by your fantastic posts. You are all fab people and frankly and inspiration .
Me x

Dear MN and everyone else,
Sorry for the long post but I really needed to get this off my chest and this isn't even a quarter of it!
Me x

Dear DH,

Please please PLEASE stop bundling up your socks into pairs before you put them in the laundry bin. I know you have some warped idea that you are being helpful, but you really are not. OK? And I've told you this a hundred times. I have to un-fucking-bundle the bloody things to wash them.

If you truly want to be helpful you are more then welcome to bundle them into pairs once they have been washed. You know? When it involves matching about 36 socks in three sizes, at least four of which will end up odd, and it's all a bit complicated and tiresome.

But you don't want to do that, so you? No. Of course you don't.

Your ever loving wife, Fell.

Dear Fell,

Mine does that too. It's just plain weird.

Toby

Dear DP

Your friends are lovely, but next time could we meet them for dinner and not just drinks? It's now lunchtime and my head is still sore.

Dear Fab

Enough now.

Nothing else to be done.

Love Fab.

Fellatio my DH does that too! And has similar laundry-blindness issues Why, why, what is the point of bundling things together when they're going into the same drum? It's not like they need to hold hands for security.