Dear *

[OTheHugeManatee]

Dear boss

Why can't you stop micromanaging and let everyone get on with the jobs you hired us to do?

Dear self

Stop procrastinating.

Dear period

Why must you always malignantly wait until I'm wearing pink knickers before you put in an appearance?

Dear Emma/Alice/Lola/Chloe/Grace

I know you're only practising flexing your tiny muscles, but I'm getting really tired of you keep kicking my bladder. Please stop as it's making me slightly incontinent. I had a coughing fit earlier and a tiny bit of wee came out.

See you in three months

Mummy x

Dear DD

You're the best little girl in the whole wide world. I feel like I really let you down by not loving you enough when you were tiny, but I was so tired and in pain and afraid you would die. It was nothing to do with you, and now I couldn't love you more - you are quite literally the light of my life

Dear DS

Thank you for sleeping and for showing me what it is like to fall in love instantly with your own tiny baby. I can't believe that you are so new and already so precious to me. I was so afraid after I felt so bad last time that I would struggle to bond with you, but you are so perfect and beautiful that I fell in love with you immediately (even if you do look a bit like a potato!)

Dear DH

Still love you more than chickens!

dear ds

I am proud of you

I am not the enemy

I can take it though

x

Dear boobs

Please stop hurting I have a very hungry baby to feed.

Dear MIL

Please stop being so pushy

Dear DD - I know it's difficult to be a teenager with autism, but PLEASE stop trying to hurt your brothers because they 'annoy you'. By being in the same room on the same planet as you. Please stop telling your brothers what the 'rules' are and having a meltdown if they don't comply or if I explain to you that it is MY job to do that. Please try to understand that a 7 year old boy is NEVER going to act like a 13 year old girl with a heightened sense of right and wrong. I will always love you with all my heart, but your behaviour is more than I can handle right now.

DS1 - Please understand that I will not bad-mouth your dad in front of you, even if he and your step-mother are being total twats. I may, and often do, secretly agree with you, but it is not my place to say that they are out of order. I will fight your corner with them, I just won't do it in front of you.

DS2 - Jealousy when a sibling is born is understandable, but you are SEVEN AND A HALF, not 2 1/2. Please stop whining about absolutely everything, and stop refusing to eat for attention - you just won't get any nice snacks until you start eating what's put in front of you at mealtimes. You have eaten cheese sandwiches for 7 years - screaming that you wont eat cheese and throwing your sandwich on the floor results in you sitting on the naughty step and being hungry. I am playing board games with you, and giving you hugs, and listening to what you want to tell me.

DS3 - cutting your 4th tooth at 11 weeks and 5 days is not the generally accepted age for it. Neither is 11 weeks the accepted age to be sitting yourself up. 5 weeks old was not the accepted age to roll over. Please slow down and let me enjoy you being a baby - you are my last one.

DP - GROW THE FUCK UP OR FUCK OFF. I am sick to death with having to be your mother too. I could go on, but I'm so tired of trying to fix 'us' that you either need to grow up, NOW, and stop expecting me to do everything, or you can go back and live with your martyr mother, who will do it all for you. I am not her.

MN - sorry for enourmously long post.

Dear dh,

I'm sorry I swore at your for you for your getting 'Just For Men' splashed on my newly painted window and for it staining my brand new bathroom sink.

Either stop using the disgusting stuff of APPLY IT IN THE SHOWER or I WILL start divorce proceedings.

HHY xx

Dear dd1,

I am NOT your personal taxi service. And stop having a go at dd2 when she dares to mention her 'friend' who once liked you and who you now hate. Oh and please also refrain from texting me with demands when you are up in your bedroom and I am down in the living room.

I'm so sorry I didn't bond with you when you were a baby and we have a difficult relationship. But things have been quite good between us recently and I can only hope that that continues. I do really love you and always will.

Mum xx

Dear dd2,

I know that you probably don't feel like you have a 'real' job since you only work for your parents, but it IS a real job as we are paying you. So leave the mobile at home and stop facebooking in the office or you will find out what getting the 'real' sack is like. Oh and please be careful with your new 'friend'. It was only a few months ago that he was madly in love with dd1.... I worry that you are going to be hurt.

Mum xx

Dear dd3,

You are one of the world's beautiful people. You are gifted, amazing, gorgeous and everything and everyone just falls at your feet. But PLEASE clean your ears out - they are vile.

Mum xx

Dear dd4,

How did you get to be so cute? You will always be my gorgeous baby. But I would be grateful could you arrange it so that I could actually see the floor in your room once in a while. Thanks.

Mum xx

Dear guinea pigs,

Stop eating the grass. The garden looks crap. TIA.

She who buys your food. xx

Dear hamster,

Sorry I had to remove your wheel. But it makes far too much noise. And dd1 has just texted me from her bedroom to say that she can't sleep because of it.

She who removes your toys. xx

Dear dd1,

STOP TEXTING ME WITH DEMANDS FROM YOUR BEDROOM!!!!

Mum xx

Dear Whoever's Listening,

After an enthusiastic start on the babymaking DH now seems to have reverted to type and stopped having sex with me at all. I know it's just because he's tired and doesn't have a very high sex drive, but it feels like a rejection. I associate physical touch with expressions of love and him not wanting to be intimate with me feels almost like him saying 'I don't love you'. :-( But I can't make him want sex, can I?

I love him so much it hurts, but at times like this I start getting a wandering eye as I wonder if another man would be able to keep up with me and then I feel sick and guilty that I would consider doing something so hurtful, so I imagine he's dead because I don't want to think about him being in the world and not being with me, so for me to be with other men he'd have to be dead and considering that he flies aeroplanes that's not exactly an unlikely scenario, so then I get this horriblesinking depression guilt and that's what I masturbate to. TMI? Probably - but who the fuck else can I tell that to?

x
Cakes

Dear Hangover,

I know I have avoided having you present in my life for 20 years but can you please fuck off!!!

Tles

Dear DS1

Love you more than words can say. You will get through this. We will get through this. Grow towards the light and may the darkness go away.

Dear DS2

You are the kindest ray of sunshine. Never forget it. Always remember that you are deeply loved.

Dear DM

You will always be loved and missed. I hope you are looking down on me and seeing the joyful parts of my world.

Dear DF

Love you. I hope you are happy and peaceful.

Dear SF

You are so special, the kindest, gentlest, most wise person. Pray that you find a way to take the healthy route quickly.

Dear STBXH and family

I know that you believe you are doing the right thing. But where is the love? He needs love, please please show him love. MIL, how can you believe it was right to do that to me?
I have been so keen to keep in contact with you and felt that you were the mum I didn't have. I just cannot understand how you thought that was ok.

Dear Friends

You are fab...xxxx

Dear A and H

Thank you. You are immensely kind. We will overcome.

Dear 17yo sales assistant at B&Q,

you are very sweet and nice but I am old enough to be your Mum. I'm sorry. Please find a nice girl to fancy instead!

Best wishes

Ingrid

Dear world
Please stop, I want to get off, just for a little bit

Dear brain,please can you stop thinking for just a little bit and relax

Dear DS,I love you with all my heart, but please can you sleep til 7am, just one day.

Dear H, I don't love you anymore, and I don't want to be married to you. when will you get the message

Dear family, I love you all so much, and I am sorry I have drifted away because of the lying bastard that I married. I will be back, sooner rather than later.

dear DD,
i bloody love you, but please stop waking up at night just for a cuddle, and just long enough to make sure i'm properly awake. it's been a year now, i need just one night!

dear DP,
i love you so much, and you say you love me, but i'm sick of always making the first move. after all that shit with her you're supposed to be showing me that you love me, and that i can trust you, and that this is worth something. i know you work long, hard, boring hours, but you coming to me for a kiss once in a while, or even telling me you love me without me having to say it first, like you used to, would go a long way.

dear X,
you are a disgrace. a selfish, undeserving disgrace at that. try putting down the weed and the alcohol, especially around your DCs, and try doing something, something actually productive about your situation. you've had more help and support than anyone could ever ask for, so what's the excuse now? yes, it was a horrible, horrible thing to happen, but what you did about 6 weeks later, and ever since, pretty much negated any whinging/whining/excuses. i've actually cried for DCs on more than one occasion.
p.s. the fact you couldn't understand why we wouldn't bring DD into your house when the smell of weed was so bad it made my eyes water pretty much defines the whole situation for me.
p.p.s. if you're going to broadcast things, don't cherry pick. please remember, there are people that know the full details.

dear little ones,
i am so, so, so sorry. i felt like a complete waste of space for having to leave you there. you deserve so much better. i'm so sorry

Dear Jehovah's Witnesses,

I have always been unfailingly polite to you. Now you have sent a prematurely aged young woman with special needs to my door accompanied by a frail old lady I really question your motives. Is brain washing easier when people have additional needs? Try coming near anyone I know again and I will not be responsible for my actions.

AlouiseG

DH
I do love you but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. Which leaves me living with you and three children in a fabulous house in the country which I don't want to leave - I know it's selfish of me but I just want to live in it with somebody whom I love. I don't think it's your fault, I shouldn't have married you but I just didn't realise it at the time.

And I can't believe how much I hate your transvestite habit, it upsets me but you being depressed when you can't do it upsets me even more, so I have to suck it up.
But starting to wear skirts last week really has actually fucked me off beyond belief. You know how I feel about that, underwear, tops, lipstick I can just about handle, but don't fucking blame me that I don't fancy you anymore. I told you how I felt and the consequences that might follow, and here they are.
And I'm angry that I can't do anything about any of this. And I'm going to be 40 this year and I feel like my life is over and I never really fell in love or had that mind-blowing sex that people sometimes do and I don't think I'm ever going to.
I resent you and I love you and I don't understand how it can be like this. And now I'm crying so I think I'm going to stop as I can't be bothered to re-run all this shit, pointlessly, in my head again.

Dear Lostmyidentity
I'm sorry things are so bad for you. I hope you and your DH can work through this. Maybe get some outside help to try and help you understand each other.
BAH

Dear DD17

I?m really glad that you chose to tell me that you have had sex for the first time with your lovely boyfriend yesterday.

I?m really glad I was kind and understanding and not did make it wrong or make you feel embarrassed.

I?m really glad we were able to talk openly and at length about everything and that I could reassure you that everything you have told me really is completely normal and that there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you.

I?m really glad you told me you appreciate having an amazing Mum like me that you can really talk to and trust.

Now that we?ve talked it through at length, though, and I?ve hugged you and been really sweet and you?ve gone to your room to revise, can you please just stay there for a bit because I don?t want you to see that I suddenly can?t breathe and have silent rivers of uncontrollable tears streaming down my face.

Mum

Dear Watertight

You are a great Mum - but its more than OK to cry.....a million times OK.

I have a DS who is almost 30 - so I know how you are feeling right now. He was always total straightforward with me about everything and I often was afraid for him. He is now a very hard working, compassionate, loving Man - a great partner and a totally wonderfully Daddy to an amazing little boy.

You have an amazing relationship with your DD. Well done to her for being able to trust you and talk to you.....and well done to you for being incredible.

Much love
Shabbs xxx

Dear Watertight

What Shabbs said. What a beautiful mother-daughter relationship.

BAH xx

Dear Beloved Manchester City,

In another few minutes you will kick off in the semi final of the FA Cup. You are however playing Man U I have supported you for 44 years - 44 long, often painful years. I have spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds following you.

Please try very, very hard to beat United. I will have to face the heckling on Facebook if you loose....its not a nice thing to be heckled on Facebook.

My DS4 is a City fan....I made him support you He asked if he could support Man Utd when he was about 5 and I said 'I would rather you come home in a dress and high heels than support that shower!!'

So please....just for me....

Commmmmme on you Bllllllllllues

Yours in hope
Shabbs

Dear DS,

You have no idea how much you blow me away when you say how much you admire me and aspire to be like me.
You are 13 you are supposed to 'ate me .

I am sorry though, sometimes I am not actually sure what I am doing when I try to heal things between you and your Dad, He was awesome with your brothers and I wish he could be like that with you. I am torn between letting you come home, and trying to heal the rift between the two of you because my precious love, you are really hard work and I need a break from you so that I can re energise to be able to cope, especially when you and your sister don't seem to be able to exist on the same planet without bickering and you have no idea how draining it is.

Love, we have come so far, you should be proud of yourself, it's OK to mess up, that's what a lot of kids your age do, it is part of the process, but I am proud of you honey.

With immeasurable love, Mum.

Oh and can you and your mates make sure when you use the house as a drop in centre this summer you all make sure you don't treat it like the council dump? Ta dude!

Dear Neighbours,

I'm sure that you think you have great taste in music. However, you don't need to foist it upon the entire neighbourhood. I have music of my own, I don't want to share yours.

Your increasingly irritated neighbour

PS I suspect that broadcasting Westlife at that volume is against the Geneva convention.

Dear DC5,

I bloody love you I do. I adore you.

But if you dont stop spending the WHOLE day trying to turn the set top box off and the PS3 on I will go stark staring MAD.

Mummy