to wonder if you do weird things when you think you're not observed?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

say thank you to cashpoint machines?

say excuse me if you rumble?

open your mouth when applying massacre?

steal sample some of the meal when you're plating up?

read the end of the book before the rest?

shout at the television?

talk to the animals?

pretend you're a firebreathing dragon on a frosty morning?

wear pants in your hair when you can't find a bobble?

shove a few dirty things in the dishwasher and rewash clean stuff, to save emptying it?

drink the milk from a bowl of cereal?

Obviously these are pretty rhetorical, please feel free to add your own queries.

This thread is fucking brilliant! I don't do anything weird.

Oh, ok then, I admit I do. Like a poster further up the thread, I have imaginary conversations with people - they can be people I know, celebs or made up people. These conversations are often in my head but quite often can be out loud. In these conversations I'm the most popular, amazingly witty person and the others all love me.

In the supermarket I often talk about what food to get as though DS is with me (he's usually at school). So I might say "Shall we get some carrots? Yes, let's get some. How many shall we get? I think I'll make a chilli tomorrow." etc, to no-one in particular.

If I ever use a self service checkout I always end up talking to it yelling at it. "Oh, ffs shut up!" and "I've already bloody bagged it up" are some commonly used phrases.

Clearly, I am mad. But obviously in good company.

Talking to the self-service checkout machines is not weird ... it's compulsory!

I love this. Have a cold and feeling mis. This is making me cheery

I always talk to self service checkout machines. I am ethically opposed to them because they cost jobs BUT I love playing shops .

I also talk back to TomTom particulary when she tells me I am over the speed limit and I am NOT.

Talk to DD's urn quite a bit and give her a kiss when I dust it. Infact most of my mad things revolve around DD. I used to drive around East London with Lily Allen on full blast singing my head off. Very antisocial but entirely theraputic.

All you lot who thank or say sorry to inanimate objects - I mainly swear at them.

I do a lot of ballet moves whilst going about my daily business. Now I cant be the only one who does that surely?

oh yes, TomTom does that, doesn't she! It's a dual carriageway, it's 70! you stupid woman, not 60!

I talk to my bike when I'm cleaning or fixing it. As a teenager I used to talk to my horse when grooming it, and I think it just carried over.

I cross myself if I pass someone on the stairs, but I HAVE to be sure no-one can see as there's a lot of people of other faiths where I work, and I wouldn't want someone to see me crossing myself when I'd just passed a Muslim/Hindu in case they misunderstood. It doesn't matter who you are, I'll still do it, whether you worship the Christian God, Jewish God, Allah, Vishnu or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I've actually started using the lift more to be on the safe side...

I talk to inanimate objects, and am convinced the self-service checkouts will actually be banned under the Geneva Convention for being a form of mental torture. I argue with them whenever I use them. 'It's IN the bagging area, you're just too damned stupid to figure that out!'

I feel sorry for things on ebay that are marked Mint in the Box, and have bid on several of these with the full intention of 'releasing' them as soon as I get them. I haven't yet won though

I am the stressiest driver I know and will 'educate' people in front or behind about their misdemeanours. 'That white circle with a black line through it? That means 60 on this road. So SPEED THE HELL UP/GET THE HELL OFF MY BACKSIDE' - 'That little stick next to your steering wheel? It's for things called 'In-di-cators'. If you use them I might have some idea where you're going'

If I need the loo but not enough to actually haul my arse all the way upstairs, I'll sit and sing 'I need a wee' to the tune of the Cambridge Chimes (think Big Ben before it strikes the hour)

The thong in the hair though? That's just WEIRD

Also at the moment I'm studying Melanie Klein's psychoanalytic theories, so every time I see a music video I translate it into paranoid/schizoid or depressive phantasy.

I talk to machines, the tv, the cats, random objects.....

open my mouth when applying mascara... and other make up and creams too tbh

shout at the television... obviously... I rant at ads a lot and pause programs to give out about factual errors (the show could be about superhero chickens but if they use and incorrect medical or scientific fact i still feel compelled to rant. DP has taken to asking 'And that's the most unlikely aspect of this is it?') I have to pause as DP got mad at me ranting over the show

I sweep dirt under furniture.... I don't know why, I'm the only one that cleans under the furniture so i'm only making work for myself!

sneak peaks at myself when walking past any reflective surface... I've been caught out a few times checking myself out in car windows only to realise the car is occupied so i looks like I'm staring at the driver

I'm scared of monsters under the bed and can't stand to have my feet anywhere near the side of the bed after dark.

I redo conversations I've just had over and over under my breathe but with wittier/braver/sexier input from me

I imagine disasters and play out in my head what would happen if dp/the kids died, Armageddon came/I crashed the car/etc. and often end up in tears or extremely angry at what's happened in my pretend reality

I do lots of the above. Also when I was a teenager I couldn't get undressed in front of the posters of hot male models/popstars/actors otherwise they wouldn't ever look at me in the same way again

The arms and legs under the covers is surely good sense and I also check every room systematically two Tokyo

I'm loony

I always sing while hoovering -I am glad to learn that is so normal.

I always having imaginary conversations and imaginary rows with dh.

Talking to the cat? of course, she is interested in what I have to say.

i shout at the Jeremy Vine show; so this is also quite normal - I will happily do this with anyone else around

I am well known for being a little bit mad; At Beavers I will sing and do silly action songs, play games, have races with the children but ALL the other parents are too embarassed. What's that all about? They have told me I am mad but I think they would like to be able to do it themselves and are a little bit envious of my I-don't-care-what-I-look-like attitude;maybe people are too self concious and repressed.

Must go, Jeremy Vine on the radio, time to go yell at him.

Another one who talks to the self-service machines here (I usually have a shouting match over an item it claims I have removed from the bagging area and have to be rescued by the nice attendant).

I talk to the dog too ? he listens really intently, dipping his head to the side and flipping his ears. I?ve recently realised that he actually understands quite a lot of what I?m saying, for example I usually say ?right, it?s about time I got you some dinner?, and he now runs to his dish when I say it. I had no idea he knew that!

I harmonise with household appliances, like microwaves and vacuum cleaners.

I stick my tummy out and pretend I?m pregnant.

I sing along to Broadway shows and act out the scenes.

I do ballet moves (never been to a ballet class in my life)

I jump instead of walking. Not up and down the stairs though.

I have conversations with my children. This seems normal, until you realise that I don't actually HAVE any children yet. I'm talking to my imagined future children. So far I have succesfully dealt with a teenage pregnancy, homework tantrums, and bedroom decorating. All rather succesfully, actually.

Some great ideas on here though ? I?m going to try the Cooking Show one tonight!

When DD was a baby, I would tango her around the kitchen, little fat arm pointing straight ahead as we swerved around the chairs. Our favourite tune was Fernando's Hideaway.

I dance in the kitchen

I say thank you to cash machines. And lifts, on the rare occasion that I use them. Usually this is at work, which can be embarrassing.

Every inanimate object is "Mr," as in "where are you, Mr Chopping Board?"

I have conversations with imaginary children and real pets.

This thread is brilliant.

I make up songs to sing to my children (my son is 11.5 and my daughter is 9.10) about how soft their skin is/how pretty they are/how much I love them/how they smell of bums. Sometimes I do this in the supermarket. And often I threaten to do it at the school gates, although I haven't yet.

I also translate the lyrics to songs into French. I do this word-for-word, despite the fact that it doesn't make sense to do so. Usually I do it in my head, but sometimes I actually sing them. Luckily my bf doesn't speak French, so he thinks they sound quite sexy, but the kids often pull me up on the word order.

I do the ballet moves thing too. And the talking to the sat nav thing.

chaos, you are my woman of the week on MN! brilliant OP

I sing bits of the 'Queen of the Night' aria from Magic Flute.

I can't sing and don't know the words - but it doesn't stop me letting rip.

When I put DD's toys away, I carefully put her dolly in the pram and cover with a blanket so it won't be cold...

I talk to myself. A lot. Even more since being a SAHM!!

olderandwiser I also danced dd round the kitchen and when I realised the blinds were open, I would leave them for a while in the secret hope than someone would see my brilliant moves. I am a terrible dancer.

I always dance in front of the mirror and don't mind if anyone sees, I'm so amazing at dancing...especially ballet and street dancing after all these years practising while peeling spuds etc

I say hello to the weatherman on telly

I try not to walk on cracks in the pavement and if theres a pattern in the shop floor I tend to follow it

I speak to all animals

I feel sorry for last things and apologise, I would never leave a lonely pea either

I sing all day, very loudly and dance and sing in the car

I'm a train in the cold air

I'm a supermodel/amazing singer/dancer if I see myself in a mirror

I'm a grand prix driver in my car (and shout abuse at everyone else)

My hands have to be holding something or face down in bed in case something grabs them

I'm happy my DS is now 15mo and starting to understand what I chat about all day

........I'm totally normal

Oh dear, I'm 56 years old and do nearly all of the above....I frequently redo discussions, but with better answers, I am always a model getting ready to go to a show in the morning....I say "excuse me" to furniture if I bump into it....I lick my plate (when alone, thank god), I make faces behind peoples' (OK, DH's) back (haven't been caught yet!!). In the car I have conversations with the tomtom, the custom's officer, anyone really, sometimes out loud...And thanks to all of you, I now know that I am entirely sane and that everyone does it...well everyone on Mumsnet anyway....Thank you. (I also pretend to be on a cooking show, plus I AM a rockstar, OMG, my poor grandchildren, if they knew!!!) I once actually said sorry to a carrot before cutting it up, and I wasn't alone in the kitchen...I still believe in fairies, pixies, etc, am terrified of "things" under the bed...talk to all animals..plus the dishwasher...(sings, they are coming to take you away, hihi, they are coming to take you away, haha, hihi....)

I sniff my clothes every morning before I put them on. I think it comes from a teenage fear of smelling, but even when I know they are clean I can't stop myself doing it. OH thinks its hilarious.

Well I must be doubly weird because I do weird things but have no shame and do them in full view and hearing of other people...
I sing songs to my dog, her name is Blaise, I call her Baisey boo, so pretty much any song with the word "baby" gets subsituted for baisey and the words "you" get turned into Boo.

One thing I used to do when I was very young. when coming down the stairs, I would pause at the bottom and smile and fake silent laugh at an imaginary camera.
I think I watched too many 80's/early 90's sitcoms, almost all the opening credits were things like that...

I sing at bus stops. DDs think it is funny (for now anyway) and DD1 has taken to getting me to slow dance round the bus shelter with her.

I can't sleep if I've locked the house at night.

Reasoning being, that locking means there's something to be scared of, and if someone's that evil then a couple of locks aren't going to stop them.
If I don't lock the doors then I can convince myself there's nothing to be scared of and sleep like a baby.