to wonder if you do weird things when you think you're not observed?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

say thank you to cashpoint machines?

say excuse me if you rumble?

open your mouth when applying massacre?

steal sample some of the meal when you're plating up?

read the end of the book before the rest?

shout at the television?

talk to the animals?

pretend you're a firebreathing dragon on a frosty morning?

wear pants in your hair when you can't find a bobble?

shove a few dirty things in the dishwasher and rewash clean stuff, to save emptying it?

drink the milk from a bowl of cereal?

Obviously these are pretty rhetorical, please feel free to add your own queries.

As well as some of OP's

when walking across a zebra crossing both my right and left foot have to touch the white lines the same number of times. Not easy to do when you are also trying to appear to just be walking normally!

Yep, another thong in hair wearer.
I also pretend to be on a cooking show whenever I cook.

I sometimes pretend DD's teddy is my baby.
I practice award acceptance speeches.
I pretend to look in shop windows but really I;m looking at myself.

I talk to myself regularly.
I say excuse me when I sneeze and/or burp even if I'm the only one there.
I used to shout at the TV when I watched baseball and American football and when I'm watching a scary movie (don't go in there you idiot the killer's waiting for you)
And other things that I won't admit to.

I taunt my fish in the style of Otto in A Fish Called Wanda - "hello K-K-K-Ken's p-p-p-pets" or when the big fat one is sitting still, as it often does I shout "Wake up you Limey fishhhh!"
My dog and I have very highbrow conversations about Russian Literature and the state of the Palestinian/Israeli conflict...
I sing randomly about things - just before posting this was a rather tuneless "my feet are sooo cold... my feet are bloody cold...".
I also run back to my bedroom last thing at night after checking my DS - he has two single beds with space under for mad axe men - or even worse, the mad evil child in Pet Cemetery who cuts through his father's heel with a scalpel (I watched that 17 years ago and still get petrified by it!). oooh - and my mum used to grab my ankles on the way up the stairs to bed when i was little (explains so much) and i still have a fear of being grabbed on the way up the stairs...

I have to sleep covered with the duvet, or monsters will get me.

Chaos you're a freak.

but:
say thank you to cashpoint machines? that's perfectly normal

say excuse me if you rumble? i never rumble (whatever that might be...)

open your mouth when applying massacre? yes, that's automatic

steal sample some of the meal when you're plating up? it's not stealing , it's checkign for taste

read the end of the book before the rest? no, never, and for that alone you should be shot

shout at the television? yes, of course

talk to the animals? yep

pretend you're a firebreathing dragon on a frosty morning? oh, yeah! definitely!

wear pants in your hair when you can't find a bobble? no, that's just weird

shove a few dirty things in the dishwasher and rewash clean stuff, to save emptying it? don't have a dishwasher, but probably would do this cos i'm lazy

drink the milk from a bowl of cereal? yep

I do also talk to all self-service amchines, esp the one in sainsbury's that keeps telling me to do things i've already done.

and automatic doors and lifts.

i also fly the cat.
(to the tune Let's go fly a kite)

tis fun, and he knows i do it because i'm going to feed him, so he doesn't run away any more!

I 'debate' with my tom-tom when I disagree with her instructions. I tell her she's mad and hasn't she thought of how much traffic there generally is along that route this time of day? Cow persists in her opinion and repeatedly tells me the wrong way.

I also sleep with the covers over me or monsters will get me, and also, if I got for a wee in the night I walk to the bathroom totally calmly and chilled and finish, then run all the way back to bed so nobody kills me :(

ooh, i debate with the TomTom lady too! she's insane

If I'm in the car on my own I shout at talk to other drivers:

eg."the accelerator pedal is on the right!!!" if they are bumbling along at 17mph in a clear 30 or 40 zone.

"just because you drive a Mercedes it doesn't make you exempt from indicating.... nobhead"

At home I talk to the cat and shout at the TV.

According to my family I also have a concentrating face that I do when I'm engrossed in something.

I 'Grand Prix', my rats-ie, pretend to race them round the house, making Grand Prix car noises.

i sing at the top of my voice when i hoover
i say hello and goodnight to the tv presenters
if i,m really enjoying a book,i'll go back and re.read it,rather than get to the end.
i tell my dog everything

I talk to the cows and sheep when I'm out running. Got surprised once by a cyclist passing from behind me whilst mooing at the cows

I grumble at the self service checkouts (not even alone then)

This is great I actually feel normal now

When I'm on the loo I choose a 7-letter word from a bottle (of shampoo / shower gel / whatever) and have to make as many words as I can from the letters in it, and I can't get off the toilet til I've got at least 50 words. I make little rules up for it depending on difficulty (can/can't have plurals, can/can't have proper nouns)

I pretend I'm on a cooking programme when I cook, even sometimes going as far as putting ingredients into little individual bowls so I can throw them in like they do on telly.

I should have added that I say the words out loud as if on a word-type quiz show and as if I am being timed...

I'm a learner driver and I push DS around in his pushchair looking in my imaginary rear view mirror and imaginary side ones before I turn left or right

DD walks 100 yards ahead of me even though I'm sure nobody else notices.

My Tom Tom lady is called Jane. She is invariably wrong & I tell her so

Not the maddest but...

Lick plates clean

Can't sleep with arms/legs overhanging the bed or 1.blades will come down and cut them off or 2. Monsters will drag me under the bed

Go up the stairs on all fours

Sing nonsense songs to the dog (occasionally flapping his ears in time to the music whilst he stares resignedly at me)

Wooohooooo! I'm sane! (or as mad as everyone else here)

If I'm counting coins/pairing socks/etc and there is one left over I feel sorry for it and apologise to it.

I can't have a toe or anything overhanging the bed for fear of monsters.

I apologise to doors/walls/toys/etc that I bump into.

If I touch something cold (door handle or similar) with one hand, I have to touch it with the other to balance it out.

I shout at my towel if I've got into the bath and left it hanging the other side of the bathroom. When it doesn't hop down and come over to me I swear at it.

I turn into a SAS trained supermodel when I'm doing the house work - I hold the duster like a gun, kick doors open while hiding behind the wall, poke the duster into the room and burst in shouting at the dust to get down and submit, and do a catwalk walk while I push the hoover along.

I play peek-a-boo with one of the dogs by covering her eyes with her ears and then uncovering them again while I pull faces at her. How she hasn't ripped my arm off yet and beaten me to death with it, I'll never know...

Gilbonzo, can I copy your housework style? It sounds wildly inefficient but very fun.

TheHuge - definitely! It's why my house never looks clean but I'm always smiling through the mess