Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

I did the staple finger thing - hurts a lot.

If you have earache don't follow the old wives tale of pouring a couple of drops of olive oil down your ear to soothe it-perforated eardrum and 3 months of such bad balance kept falling over in Tesco, and every time I get a cold now I go deaf in that ear for at least 2 weeks.

Too many to mention-but if you have to ask "I wonder if it would hurt if I........"-it will really hurt and be embarassing and make you look like a tit !

Also don't put your whole hand on the hob ring to see if it is still hot. I think I was pregnant at the time.

Staple finger: check.

Used to conduct fascinating science experiments down the stables with the electric fence: what conducts? Lots, as it turns out.

Excelled myself recently: got a lift home from my boss. When I got out, popped my head back in to the car to say thank you, as you do. Unfortunately my arm took on a life of it's own and decided to close the car door. On my head.

Passed out on street, had to go to hospital and explain repeatedly that I had shut my own head in a car door. The consultant kept asking, "But WHY?"

Not a good look.

Not to try to warm up a metal spoon you are about to use as an ice cream scoop in the toaster.

Not to google anything you are told not to google [vom]

Not to try to climb over a safety gate - it's their for a reason and you will end up scarred for life.

Not to thread potato peelings onto a sharp sharp knife for 'fun'.

To look ahead of you as you run as fast as you can. There may be a concrete lampost up ahead.

To look ahead while admiring your windmill on a stick. there may be a concrete lampost ahead.

Don't try and ride your bike with your feet on the front fork. If your foot slips into the spokes your bike will stop very quickly and your elbow will be smeared onto the road.

Perfume is not breath freshener. It's yukky.

Don't check if the pasta shells are cooked by eating one without first emptying the boiling water out of it. It will scald your mouth, you won't be able to eat the cooked pasta when it is ready. Your DH will laugh, a lot.

Don't try and peel all the skin off an apple in one go using a sharp knife without moving your little finger out of the way as you go round. You'll cut the end off your finger. And faint. Your DH will panic.

Helped myself to some cough medicine (aged 8) only to find out later that the reason I was burping up bubbles for the rest of the day was because I'd taken my baby sisters special shampoo. I can't remember what her condition was but I can still remember what it tasted like 30 yrs on!

Fry eggs for eight people in washing up liquid... Was camping in France, cooking breakfast without glasses on. Thought washing up liquid was sunflower oil on account of big sunflower on the bottle... They did fry nicely, but one by one people started clutching their throats and squeaking...

Dont drive past a wrecked car in a field. Always stop and look. I did this the other day. Thought it was an old wreck. When I drove past later, the roof had been removed. I feel really shit now!

Do not snort liquid (specifically neat vodka from a spoon) through your nose. It is just wrong and will give you a cold. A vodka cold.

Do not arm-wrestle a friend at 3am in the morning while you have a 10month old baby at home. You will acquire a fracture to the humerous (very bad break). You will require surgery that gives you an arm-length scar and a plate in your arm. And you will not be able to carry your baby for 3 months.

fully engage my brain before I ask dh any sort of question, such as while stood on the pier at Blackpool looking out to sea asking is that the north sea then? I realised as soon as I said it I wasn't on the east coast

As my sister found out to her detriment, you should NEVER dye your hair without first doing a skin test. Even if you have used the same product before. Unless you wish to end up in hospital on oxygen with a head like 'Hey Arnold'!

Do not listen to boss when he says legal docs need delivering to solicitor in next 10 mins, jump into his bald-tyred pickup truck, speed off down muddy country road, skid, flip pickup up verge and high into the air to land upside down precariously on large blackthorn hedge.

How to get out of said predicament: move slightly (exhaling held breath will do). This will unbalance pickup and it will slowly topple off hedge to land upright in cow field. Do not be alarmed as herd of cows surround you whilst awaiting sacking rescue from furious boss.

do not drop a lit match into an ashtray full of cigarette buts (in the days when you could smoke in pubs) then eanover and blow it out - then ashen faced/zombie look is not sexy and you look like a pillock.

Do not squirt a pile of acrylic nail glue (essentially superglue) into the palm of your hand "oh bugger its blcked, I'll just squueze harder, oh shit its not blocked any more" then grab for your nail varnish remover sodden cotton wool to mop it up wth. Who knew there is a chemical reaction between acetone and superglue which can necessitate a trip to Chelsea and Westminster burns unit. On the upside - my 15 minutes of fame - there is a fax about me to all burns units in the country as apparently they weren't aware of this phenomenon either.

Even more excitng, my thread is on the discussion of the day - next step, Mumsnet Classics

Do not gargle eau de cologne just because Scarlett O' Hara did. It will dissolve your soft palate.

If hat blows off on windy and snowy day, let it go and buy another cos chasing hat over a small grassy slope in the snow can result in open fracture of tib & fib, looking a twit in front of colleagues and time off work for eight months.

NB Really try not to chase hat etc four months before daughter's wedding. Crutches plus that wedding outfit bought to wear with high heels, is not a good look.

Do not use disabled toilet with a small child in tow and then allow said small child to wonder under the hand drier (you know the sort, the ones that are like a jet engine). The small child WILL scream, run in the opposite direction and manage to push open the door you didn't lock properly, all while you are still sitting with your knickers round your ankles!

And again...google Blue waffle

I learnt the tender age of 12 not to eat tinned ham. Apart from it being vile, the tin never opened with the stupid key that comes with it, as it always snapped off half way. wrapped my hands in a tea towel to try pulling it apart and sliced deep into my thumb and middle finger.

GrannyMo you reminded me of one.

Do not, if someone's hat blows off whilst on a canal boat, attempt to slam it into reverse for a three point turn to go back and retrieve it. The steering lever will break off in your hand, leaving you adrift. There will be a frantic search for sellotape which will turn into an even more frantic search for plasters. During this search there will be many near-misses with other canal boats including one, inexplicably, full of AC/DC fans all flipping you the bird. Once the steering lever has been patched back on with plasters, DO wait for the lock keeper to help you at the lock you need to get through to reach the canal boat garage, because otherwise it will be near impossible to get the boat close enough to the side for it to be securely moored, meaning that it will slowly drift into the waterfall of water which comes in once the lock opens, slowly filling the boat with water, threatening to sink it and drown you.

Also, once all this has happened, the lock has been closed and danger averted, DO pop your head up and wave at your friends instead of fussing about trying to get everything off the floor and away from the water inside the boat, or else they will think you have drowned. Please ignore this if the lock keeper happens to be good-looking because he will start to strip in an effort to leap in and save you.

Oh yes.

Do not, if you are totally inexperienced at boating, attempt to go through a mile-long tunnel during your first hour on board. You will have no idea where the headlight is and will subsequently travel three quarters of a mile in pitch darkness, in terror, screaming at every mysterious drip and odd bit of whatever brushing against you, cringing every time the boat scrapes the side and something falls off it with a splash. The headlight will eventually be located by glow of mobile phone and will be switched on to reveal that another boat has started to come through the tunnel from the other end as you were so slow that the lights changed. You will be sworn at.

Do not accidentally lock yourself out of your flat whilst dying knickers in a saucepan on the stove in a foreign country.

The embarrassment of running to the police station to explain to a Dutch copper why they needed to help me break into a back window of my flat (forth floor) in case my knickers burned the whole house down is not something I would care to repeat.