Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

Do not assume that when you are having a heart attack on a busy bank holiday weekend, your ambulance driver will know the way to the nearest hospital. They could possibly be a crew from another city and have to ask your DH directions

Don't have oral sex after eating very hot curry.

By god it stings and leaping up and fanning your fanjo is not sexy.

Do not catch your curling wand when it falls out your hands on the highest setting...I have the scars to prove it!!!!

Do not make cheese-on-toast in the toaster

Check for nettles before having a pee behind a hedge (esp when coming home pissed from young farmers do)....

Don't laugh at current bf as he has just pissed on the electric fence cos you WILL be spending several hours in A&E with him......

Do remind dh to wash his hands after applying Deep Heat to your back just before bed - or you can be sure he will be diving for the bathroom at some point in the night after scratching his bits

Today I have learnt not to put foam letters in my 18mo's bath.

There was a... hoopla situation

When the water has frozen in window washers of car - don't (at 70 mph on motorway) wind down window and attempt to squirt water from water bottle to clear the dirt from wind
Window still manky and a soaking wet sleeve!

Don't ever ever, if stuck inside a park attempt to climb over the fence rather than walking round the long way after three pints. One big hole in the arm and several hours in A&E later...Oh yes, and if you do get the said hole in the arm, do not stop for another drink before calling ambulance. You will have to be taken out of pub toilets in a wheelchair after fainting.

Also, when someone says, "I wouldn't use that loo the lock doesn't work very well" in a club, don't think it'll be ok. It WILL open outwards once you're in full flow causing you to stand up to grab the door and wee all over your own jeans and the floor.

Do not creep downstairs in the dark to use the downstairs loo when staying at your parents' house on New Year's Eve after a big night out AND forget that you had personally placed two dining chairs at the foot of the stairs to discourage the dog from coming upstairs at night. You will fall over them, bang your head on the telephone cupboard, knock yourself out but very fortunately come round before anyone else wakes up and crawl back to bed only to remember that it happened when your mum is wondering how the chair got broken and you're wondering why you're covered in large black bruises.

Don't forget to check whether your ds's nappy is poo-free before putting him in the back carry in the Ergo and doing a little jump jiggle to settle his bottom properly into the seat. Otherwise as he lands on his bottom poo will squirt violently sideways out of his nappy legs and fill his babygro down to the toes.

Don't let dh take ds for a sneaky wee behind a hedgerow on the walk back from a country pub. One of them will wee in the other's welly and the resulting fracas won't be easy to referee.

Don't water a spiky palm yucca thing with a short spouted watering can. The leaves grow at exactly the right distance apart to allow you to get one spike up each nostril if you get it just right.

Don't stub your cigarette out on the side of the plastic bin at work. Doh! [Thicko emoticon]

Oh yes, and if you see a Police car behind you going quite fast, don't think, 'they look like they're in a hurry, I'd better accelerate and get out the way', then slightly later with sirens blaring, 'why don't they overtake me if they want to get past?' and continue to drive fast, then a little later think, 'oh, it's me they're chasing' as your involved in a full blown car chase. I don't think they could believe I was so stupid.

Always make sure the seal on your mooncup has been broken before you try and remove it.
Do not pull it harder to see if that will break the seal as it bloody hurts won't!

Do not sit on bus..retrieve a chucked dummy for a baby and forget you are sitting on flip up seat ..then sit on floor because flip up seat has ... err flipped up

Don't vomit on your Mother in Law's shoes and then blaspheme copiously at New Year.

Never accidentally fold over a corner of your sanitary towel when pulling up your knickers. The unexpected waxing you get when removing said towel will smart.

Do not cough violently when you are holding a drill in front of a brand new patio window (my dad).

And never cut up a cardboard tube for the pets to play in with a very sharp stanley knife when you are wearing new jeans (DH). You will realise that you don't wish to accidently cut new jeans so in a moment of inspiration you will remove them. When you resume cutting the tube wearing only your boxers, the knife will slip resulting in a nasty cut, a trip to A&E, sitting in reception in a t-shirt and boxers, stitches and all the nurses coming out to laugh at you.

Probably best to check you have removed yesterday's knickers from trousers before putting the trousers on again the following morning - if you don't want them to emerge wrapped round one ankle as you walk up the stairs to work. In front of colleagues.

When your mostly male mates want to stop at a pub at 10.30am right before a wedding, dont try and keep up with them by drinking two pints as it will make you desperately need the loo as soon as you are sat on a cold church pew. Its an especially bad idea to nip outside for a quick wee in the small grassy patch that you later realise is in full view of the congregation (curse those windows for not being very stained) and under no circumstances when you come back in mention that that it is "still dewy outside" in order to excuse your wet shoes, which everyone by now knows are really covered in your own wee.

whysolate Ive done the magnet on the tv screen too. faked innocence when my dad wondered why the pixels were messed up in a streak. ::whistle::

do not bring the hot curling iron near your eye when curling bangs.

when infant dc is poorly, do not hold up facing you to scrutinize - messy

do not place open nail varnish remover on a wood surface, for it is bound to spill

make sure you have keys when you leave the house with dc in the morning or much time will be spent in the front yard thinking up games, explaining the plight again and awaiting rescue

Do not forget your make-up bag on the day when you have important interview, decide that a Berol Finewriter pen you found in the drawer at work will make do as an impromptu eye-liner. You will arrive at interview 45 mins later with eyes so puffy, red and itchy that it will be difficult to see the interview room let alone the interview panel...

You won't get the job.

Do not cross your legs for an entire hour-long meeting with new clients you are trying to impress. At the end of the meeting you will stand up to leave, crumple floorwards on your asleep leg and have to be dragged with dead leg dangling helped out of the room.

Calico1!

A belated at LeQueen at 20:59:16. Carnage!

Whilst shaving your legs,do not scratch your itchy ankle with your razor.

If you are driving past a women's prison (lets say Holloway for the sake of argument) and two girls flag you down and ask for a lift. Dont say ok and drop them off at the nearest tube station.

It WILL have repercussions.