Things you learned the hard way not to do again

[ItsJustAName]

Okay, so I was out and about and needed the loo and popped in to a public toiler. Only when finished did I realise there was no loo roll.

Never fear, I knew I had fresh handypack of hankies in my handbag.

I used one.

Olbas oil infused hankies do not leave you with a pleasant sensation when used as loo roll lol.

DON'T give your fella a hand job after chopping chillies unless your hands have been VERY thoroughly scrubbed. He won't thank you.

at some of these (but not muriel's )

Don't show off in front of a group of new friends when drunk by jumping off a high wall. It will take lots of money and pain to replace your front teeth.

Sorry to hear your "live and learn" experience Muriel.

I'm sure it could happen to any of us.

Sometimes writing about it here helps a bit.

Again, I'm sure any of us would say that's one reason we're here.

P.S What's "Veeting" ?!

Don't come back to your auntie's house really really drunk on Christmas Eve and eat loads of sweeties in bed. You will pass out, lying on chocolate, and you will wake up and think you have shat the bed

Never go to a cheese and wine party on an empty stomach when you can't stand cheese.....

at feralgirl

Thanks girls.

Veeting as in the hair removal? Get a bit 'splash happy' when doing bikini line and it can sting quite a lot!!

Whilst looking for birds nests never encourage your younger sister to jump over the open cess pit after you without considering her legs may well be shorter than yours.

Don't have sex with DH when he's been chopping chillis.

learned from watching my step-dad:

dont pet, talk to in a funny voice or or in any way make friends with the police dogs at the airport. Unless you like starting your holiday with a rubber gloved finger up your arse.

Ladygoldie, Yep done that, the resulting panic, had DH killing himself laughing at me!

Do not age 13 show off and jump off the garage behind your Army Quarter, and put both knees into both eyes, resulting in two weeks of black eyes, especially when you are a very well endowed and self conscious 13 year old, your first crush will tease you unmercifully

Do not 30 years later tell off a group of children, jumping off same garage roof, on returning to same Army Camp, because one bright spark will be the son of first crush and will tell all the children why you shouldn't and wonder why you are blushing!

give birth

think you'll pop the washing machine on whilst you nip of to have a shower. OWW...BRRR...OWW...BRRR

to move a rack in the oven with a bare hand. forgot that i'd put it on to pre-heat.

drinking absynth (? spelling) never going there again

I so wish there was a 'like' button on this thread

Do not use the smokers toothpaste 'Euthymol' on your face as a teenage acne treatment. It is very menthol and it burns.

When cycling, do not stretch out your feet in front of you when going fast down a hill and catch them in the wheel spokes. You will not only nearly break all the bones in your feet but will have an interesting flying lesson too.

do not go for a pee then wipe your bits without checking that your kids haven't wiped their faces on the loo roll- after brushing their teeth

do not, after a night in with partner, after some bottles of wine, casually wonder what deep heat would feel like on a penis, do not let him apply said deep heat to penis, and especially do not laugh when he is screaming in agony (he is now an ex and that night makes me laugh so much)

Do not teach a puppy to jump over the raised threshold of the back door. You will trip and break your wrist.

On return from A&E, do not explain your injury by showing them how it happened. You will trip and break your nose.

OMG I'm alternating between and and ouch-ouch-ouch as I read these!

Do not, when your boyfriend has just come back from holiday and has fallen asleep, try to be helpful and put a load of washing on. Do not take all his pristine white shirts and t-shirts and put them in the wash (at his house) with an old pink sheet. Especially when the instruction panel of the washing machine has fallen off. There will be a helpful Albanian lodger telling you to put it on "A", which later transpires to be a boil 90deg wash.

All the clothes will turn out pink. Your thought process in allowing this to happen will be hard to explain. And the diamond ring your boyfriend bought you in South Africa will take a further 5 months to make it to your finger.

Don't assume that the man leaning over the gp reception desk grunting and dribbling is
a) being attended to
b) has SN

. . .

actually he's being overlooked and is having a stroke :(

do not try the stapler out on your thumb to see if it works

do not try to open a corned beef tin with bare hands when the key gets stuck

do not forget to lock the train toilet door when heavily pregnant - at night - when someone can open it and your half clothed reflection is visible for all to see {blush]

If you have been chopping chillies, wash hands before inserting mooncup.

On behalf of my dad - don't chop wood with an axe if the wood is frozen.

When using one of those spray mint breath fresheners - do not* breathe in!

• asthma inhaler user, automatic action to breathe in