Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

This thread is soooo funny!
I am still mortified about my rediculous statement from years back...best friend is Jewish, met her with her new beau in local bar...topic moves onto families amd religion, and the worry of my pal with her non-Jewish BF. Cue me stating 'oh your parents don't need to know the truth, I mean, he looks Jewish - his nose is plenty big enough'....
OMG..... and still more Still mortified. (They are now v happily married, and she is still - luckily- my best mate!)

My mum's quite embarrasing too. Years ago there was a tango ad that was deliberately crap and cheap looking, advertising still tango. Then a few weeks later they did another advert with a serious looking man saying that a bogus company had been selling still tango and people shouldn't buy it. It was obviously another of their clever, much talked about ad campaigns. Unless of course you're my mum - then you go into our local supermarket (in which many of my friends worked) and tell the manager that he's stocking an illegal product and he should remove it from the shelves immediately

I went to a farm with the dc. DP was meeting me along with his dc.

AS i waited we were looking at the animals. I text him to say he had better hurry up as i needed someone to giggle at the donkey with. it had the most enormous hard on i had ever seen.

few minutes later he arrives and sneaks up behind me, he whispers in my ear
"so you've been checking out the donkey then"
without looking i turn and say

"oh my god you should have seen it, its the biggest cock i've ever seen"

Dp laughs and then says "gigi, this is my mum" it is not until that moment that i notice his mum stood beside him.

When Ds was a toddler we went to church. We sat in the family section which is behind a screen. Ds was sitting on the chair beside me enjoying it.
Suddenly he see's the prosession coming out and he decides to take a look. he runs charging straight down the aisle.

I was horrifed. i stood up and all i could think was don't swear, whatever you do dont swear
for some reason instead of swearing and in what was a much louder voice than was necessary i said "oh shit"

the entire congregation turned to look at me.

PMSL at these.

My DH once paid his fare with a fiver when he got on the bus.

Except it wasn't a fiver, oh no.

It was a condom wrapper.

My best one is still quite tame compared to some of yours and embarrased my Dad more than me...

I was about 8 or 9 I think and we were at the zoo. We saw the elephants and I asked my poor Dad, very loudly, why that elephant over there had two trunks......

Everyone within earshot held their breath as my very red-faced Dad quietly stated that actually it wasn't a trunk, it was his willy. As if that weren't enough, I then said that it couldn't be his willy as it was really big, and look, it actually touched the ground....... I'm amazed he took us anywhere again after that!

Ohh, my sister did something like that! At the bank, after rummaging around in her handbag, she slapped her cheque book on the counter only it wasn't her cheque book, it was a huge (clean) sanitary towel.

I was 14 - I died a little inside that day.

Oh, and the best part was that the teller looked at the sanitary towel, and cool as ice said 'sorry madam, we don't accept those here'.

If you are here on mumsnet, bank-teller-lady, I salute you.

I went into boots once to get some canestan cream while my friend popped into another shop. I got outside to meet her and announced "right that's me minge sorted out, shall we go for lunch". Except it wasn't my friend but some stranger. I can laugh now but I was mortified at the time.

Friend still laughs about it now.

There are some fantastic stories on here. Although Psammead and valleyqueen have just made me laugh so hard! The bank-teller-lady in particular has really got me laughing.

My one-time housemate's West Indian boyfriend had been changing the oil in his car, and came into the house saying 'can I borrow your shower, I'm all black'. To which, to my eternal shame, I replied 'I didn't realise it washed off'. and double . At least he thought it was funny. I still don't know what on earth possessed me at that moment.

LeQueen

I covet my neighbours ass. He has got a lovely one

These are so funny my dd has just shouted down the stairs at me to be quiet.

When I was about 7 years old my mum went in to be 'sterilised'. This was fascinating to me and I had to know more. I asked ALL of my teachers (male and female). All of the neighbours (male and female including the 81 year old man next door) and shop assistants if 'they had been 'sterilised' yet?

My darling mum has never, ever lived that one down

Once at work, in front of a few other people I shared a room with, a colleague asked me "So how are you getting on with X?" X was the name of my partner at the time and I thought, well, nice of her to ask though slightly surprising as she doesn't know me well. I am crap at smalltalk and tend to blurt out the truth before remembering that's not what's required. So I started blethering on about how it wasn't going so great actually (with various personal details thrown in) and I wondered if we should split up.

She went red and explained she was referring to X, a contractor we were both working with

I know a much worse one though but I can't remember where I heard it from - maybe on here or maybe it was a RL friend. Anyway said person was chatting to an acquaintance and spotted a loose hair on her decollete area and instinctively reached out to pull it away, realising as she did so that she was being a bit over familiar, but she decided to go with it, saying "oh you've just got a hair on your collar".

The hair didn't budge when she brushed at it so she pulled at it. It was ATTACHED TO THE PERSON'S SKIN.

Can't beat some of these!...
Years ago, I was out hunting on my mare and recognised a guy on a dark horse as someone I had accidentally 'done something Bad' to many moons before...couldn't for the life of me think what, but obviously studiously tried to avoid him all day..all fine until later in the day, we were galloping down a disused railway line, decelerating rapidly, when the horse ahead of me started bucking and going crazy...the rider looked round and -yes- it was my bete noir...my horse's reins had 'somehow' got wedged under his horse's tail, hence why it was going crazy :-0 I managed to wrench the reins out and whimper 'oh I dont know how that happened!' He just gave me that Look....and rode off....

No me this happened to a friend.

We were at her house aged about 14 when somebody knocked on the door. We looked out of the window to see a good looking young guy on the doorstep. We both started preening ourselves before answering the door. Friend had the idea to pick up the phone in the hall while opening the door to young man, told him to wait a minute while she pretended to have an argument with her imaginary boyfriend on the phone before hanging up.

Then she said to the man on the doorstep "sorry, just split up with my boyfriend, what did you want"

He replied "I've come to connect your phone"

Marine

I have done that with the hair thing!

I was working as a dental nurse and we had a female patient in the chair. I was using the aspirating tube (the vacuuum cleaner thingy) and this LOOOOONG hair was in the way. It was about 2 inches long and very fine. I tugged on it and it went with a Tom and Jerry 'piano' wire ping. It was very much attached to the patients chin.

Thank fuck she was numb in that area!

These are fabulous and have given me a really good laugh (much needed after a mildly traumatic evening).

I have a few as I'm good at putting my foot in it. Three spring to mnd. In chronological order.

Aged 6, feeling rather pissed off that I hadn't been chosen to be Mary in the nativity play, I was determined that my single line as an angel (and to add insult to injury there were three of us and I was the 'blue' angel, rather than the pink or white one) was going to showcase my undeniable acting talent. So, standing forward with a flourish to deliver my line with depth and drama, promptly fell off the stage into the 'orchestra' (consisting of recorders, cymbals and triangles).

Aged 19 at uni, accompanying my friend to A&E after a drinking contest that got out of hand, being so drunk I could barely focus, and spending ages trying to convince the Dr that my friend was allergic to... glucose (yep, that building block of metabolism that without which we'd all be dead). Bless him, he was ever so patient and very goodnatured about it.

Aged 22, asking my then DH's cousin's husband if he wanted a glass of wine (he was an ex alcoholic).

I could go on....

My DDs had a habit of going in my wardrobe to borrow things. As I had a rabbit in there I decided it would be a good idea to hide it in my briefcase, as it was lockable.

Many months later I was going to a job interview, typed out my CV, got dressed and grabbed previously mentioned brief case.

I arrived at the interview and popped CV into briefcase, realised the rabbit was still in there, took it out and popped it into the glove box. Went to interview.

Drove to Hendon for a managers meeting. Area managers car was playing up so I offered her a lift, with another manager and my assistant manager.

On the way home my assistant manager opened the glove box. The look on his face when he saw a vibrator in there, was so funny.
He made no comment then or since and just closed the glove box. I wonder what he thought as I have never had the chance to explain.

These are hilarious!

The worst that I can think of was when I was making small talk with my Dps boss on the phone (he makes me nervous)
He said that it was hot in the office and I burst out 'Sweaty you mean!' He made an odd strangulated noise and passed the phone over to my DP.

I know it doesn't sound bad but it had me cringeing for ages!

Lynli

Aged about 14 I was messing about with my younger brother when there was a knock at the door and the good looking boy from over the road had popped round to see me. I invited him in, we chatted and he played with my little brother for a bit then went home again. I fancied him like mad and was delighted that he'd come round to see me and it had all gone really well.

I was less delighted when I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and realised that I was still wearing one of those orange net bags (the kind you get oranges and tangerines in) on my head. I'd put it on when playing with my brother and had had it on the whole time hunky neighbour boy had been round. Arrghhh!

Mentioned this before, but was at a wedding reception about 15 yes ago and was talking to a handsome male guest who I had just met. Absentmindedly decided to reach into my handbag and get a ciggie to light. After several failed attempts to light it, he politely pointed out to me that what I had in my mouth was in fact a tampon!!!!!

I have been out tonight, but I must admit not me that was embarrassed but a young man I met.

He was rather worse for the wear.

Kept telling me he knew me. I agreed but wouldnt let me tell him how.

Anyway after asking me if I was so and so sister/aunt/mother friend, I finally got a word in edge ways.

And told him he was my new next door neighbour, who I had to go out to last friday night, when he couldn't get his key in the door, open his door for him, take him in take his boots off, make sure he was leaning over the sofa with a bowl under him and cover him up.

He has been hiding from me all week

God help the poor boy tomorrow

God help te