Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

Psammead - again you had me LOL but not quite as much as OptimistS falling into the orchestra - pride going before a fall in Style!

marking my place to add tomorrow.

LeQueen, oh my god i actually just made the bed shake laughing.
"not coveting thy neighbours...horse"

and whydobirdssuddenlyappear, i actually cried a little reading that! you poor sod!

I remembered another one in the night . I've told it on here before ages ago - when it happened i think.

I worked in a shop and a rather large lady came in and bought a few things inc. some lard (which is known as 'fat' round where i used to live) for her roast spuds (she was explaining to me). As she left i noticed the lard on the counter and shouted to her "Don't forget your fat"

Hehe, what did she DO?

my then DP and i had been to a posh hotel for the weekend.
i was most impressed as it was very grand but a little tacky.

I was telling friend at school gate all about it. she wanted all the gorey details.

I detailed the food and the bedding and the size of the bed etc etc.

just then, unknown to me, the head walks past just as i say

"the sex was excellent in that bed. OOOh and we had a golden shower"

Friend burst out laughing, i turned to see the head looking disgusted and i was mortified.

Obviously i was explaining that the tacky hotel had even tried to gilt the shower head. Thankfully DS left that school the school the following term.

Not me, but a colleague once came to my desk very ashamed and asked if she could borrow my cardigan. Her shirt was bloody. When I asked her what happened she told me that she was removing a tampon and it came out too fast she tried to catch it but it only rolled down the front of her shirt from top to bottom.
After a few years she can laugh about it...

When eldest ds was celebrating his 16th birthday, we took him and some friends out to an Italian restaurant for a meal. Dh was driving so not drinking and I hit the red wine. One of my son's friends (aged 15)explained that he had nearly been caught 'at it' by his girlfriends mum while he was at her house. In my wisdom I started to give him advice about avoiding getting caught out when dh pointed out that he was 15, I was a parent and I should be talking about avoiding underage sex and condoms etc.

My late nan was great at embarrassing people, usually unwittingly.

She was in hospital and my ex (then wife) and I went to see her. Now, my ex was rather embarrassed as she'd had a really big boil / absess on her bum that had made sitting down uncomfortable. It had gone by this stage and so she'd, unwisely, mentioned it in passing a few days before.

We walk into the ward of hospital, Nan shouts out at top of her voice "ooooh how's that boil on your arse?".

I nearly died laughing.

Chuckle, mousy, that was a great one!

Marking my place for later

I've posted this before but here goes, In the late '70's we lived in Germany (Army). We were at a football match between the Army and Germans, they had brought tanks etc for the kids to play in. To help along the building of cultural bridges, I poked my head out of the top of a tank, gave a one arm salute and yelled Heil Hitler.

I even used my other hand for my Hitler moustache.

I've nearly died laughing at these

I was about 4 and at school assembly. I was desperate for the loo and couldn't hold it in anymore so out it came. There was a huge puddle of wee coming from under me, and all the other kids edged away. Poor little me was sat there denying it had anything to do with me

another shameful tale - I was going to a client's with my manager who liked to walk really quickly. Me in a very tight pencil skirt and heels struggled to keep up. I felt the stitching on my skirt go but had to keep walking. By the time we got there my skirt had torn all the way to the zip and I had to hold it closed. Got into my meeting and sat down thinking fuck. End of meeting, asked to be shown the ladies and a bloody giant stroke of luck meant I had a packet of safety pins in my wallet. So I was able to pin my skirt back together. Never been so relieved in my life.

Oh another one. Post DS birth, I was taken into hospital for stitches. Everything was pretty "battle weary" in fanjoland and I didn't have much control iyswim. For some reason I couldn't stop doing very long, smelly, silent farts especially when the in laws were visiting. Bless them, they're so polite, they didn't comment (especially when I was in a very hot and stuff private room). I, however, could have died of shame

Not me but DB. He is lovely and normally never rude to anyone. But occasionally he has no control over his mouth.
Was at BBQ at his house. SIL had a visiting American friend X with her. She was lovely, but had a very very large rear end. They were chatting and she went to get some food, and came back with a plate loaded up. He went to say that's a great big plateful you have there, but he was trying hard not to think about her bottom and failing and somehow "arse" came out instead of plateful.
He went bright red and we all ignored it. To her credit, all she did was raise her eyebrows. It didnt end there.
Later on they were talking about when they stayed in my parents house. My dad has "his" chair, and no one else ever sat in it. Except X had when they stayed. What did my brother say, "I'm surprised you sat in Dad's chair, it takes a big arse to fill that seat." Brother walked away at that point with his head in his hands. When Georgie was leaving, brother went to say goodbye and tried to apologise for the comments. What came out was "I'm sorry for the arse" instead of "Im sorry for those comments."
Surprisingly SIL hasnt divorced him yet!

At a wedding upon seeing a couple I haven't seen for 3 years

Me: ..... so how is it going in the place you were looking for when I last saw you?

Couple: It hasn't happened

Me: ok.... so what you been up to?

Couple: we've been having major problems and are about to split up....

Is it any wonder that I've got this thread on watch and I keep popping on every whip stitch to see if there are any new posts?

First time I shagged dh I had unshaved legs and none matching underwear. On purpose so i didn't shag him

Fell of a giant speaker whilst dancing in a club in Blackpool.

Walked around a large nightclub with my boob tube style top around my waist

Did an exaggerated baywatch slow motion sprint around the side of the pool on holiday, slipped, smacked my arse on the side and fell in.

Oh God, This thread is making me feel so much better, I've got loads.

Most recently...

Pregs with DD last autumn and my equally Preg Colleague and I would amuse ourselves by calling each other fatso etc.

Any way, I spot PC getting out of a car one morning and delightedly yell, 'Oi, Lardarse. You need to lay off those cakes my girl,'

A complete stranger turns round, gives me this look like she's just been gutpunched, utterly stricken, and scuttles off before I can explain.

If I close my eyes I can still see the look
on her face.
If you are on Mumsnet, Please read this and know how sorry I am.

You know those bad dreams where you're in a client meeting and your Facebook profile, with huge embarrassing photo, comes up on a big screen?

Well that happened in real life to me.

The new, ver' important client was considering a social marketing campaign, and I logged in to facebook in the meeting so the client could see what a fan site looked like... but the person driving the meeting clicked on my FB 'profile' tab.

It was like it was happening in slow motion.

i've put my facebook profile photo in my Mn pictures.

Picture the horror

Hahahahahahaha

CHRIST on a BIKE! I was trying to imagine just how awful it could be.... I mean - I figured that it couldn't be that bad or else you'd never have it on your profile - but that it absobloodylutely hilarious!

Funny if you know you, horrifyingly embarrassing if you don't.

You, my lady Undertone are my new mumsnet favorite person.

Brilliant, Undertone absolutely bloody classic

It was really, really bad.

The client was from the middle east as well. He was extremely puzzled.