Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

This probably won't be funny to anyone else, but we were out for a meal in quite a posh restaurant once (DH & I and the DC) and were having a laugh whilst eating our pud. I had choc fudge cake, and thought it would be hilarious to pretend to give DS a kiss with my mouth full of it - I'd wiped some around my lips as well because I'm so immature I thought it would be oh SO hilarious.

So, I leaned over to DS with my lips puckered, and he leaned back away from me in total shock and fell off his chair. I started laughing hysterically, mouth wide open - still full of choc cake and my teeth absolutely COVERED in chocolate. I have the loudest laugh in the world (got me into trouble so much in school!) and the whole restaurant was staring at me guffawing with these brown teeth and lips waving around everywhere.

There was a table of about 14 sat just in front of us (so opposite me) and they were not impressed at all. I was so embarrassed!

My MIL, on hearing that DH was to be circumcised at the age of 29, in front of all his staff in the office (she used to come in to help with the filing) - "On that must be my fault, I didn't pull his foreskin back often enough when he was little".

Staff were in hysterics, DH wanted the ground to swallow him .

OMG That reminds me of my mum, who discusses my personal issues (ie cystitis) loudly in public.

The day my deeply religious (baptist) boss was on the phone ordering a new BMW X5 four wheel drive.

I was standing waiting patiently to talk to him and asked "Are you compensating for something?"

Where the fuck did that come from?

ilovemydog's one with the chemotherapy bloke could come straight out of that woman in the Catherine Tate show who always puts her foot in it at parties!

Mine is from a few years ago when DW had friends coming to stay and we were meeting them in the pub. We'd been told that friend S was going to see her other friend in the city first, who'd just had a baby and had post-natal depression. We were told she might be coming out to the pub too.

When we got to the pub it was very crowded, but we were relieved to glimpse S in the throng - got to her and the first thing I said was "Good thing your friend with PND didn't come, it's really busy!"

And she said "Actually she did, she's over there and this is her husband," pointing to the man next to her.

When we were younger we were very poor and I was a bit ashamed about it. We used to take squash in old bottles in our lunch boxes and Mum used to wrap them in a plastic bag incase it leaked.

She had put mine in a QD bag which I decided I was going to change it because QD was the height of naffness in those days. I rummaged through the carrierbag draw and found a pretty black one with red apples all over it. I took it to school and at lunchtime I got out my bottle and put the bag on the table. The really cute guy that everyone in my class fancied noticed the bag and started shouting at me, waving it about very amused. A ffriend of mine explained it was a bloody Ann Summers bag, and what it was (as I had no idea) Cute guy kept shouting about sex toys while I got redder and more and more flustered. I was only about 14 at the time and I didnt live it down for the rest of the year. I was known as Sex Toy Sally for the next 6 months.

He now works in my mums local Budgens, and if I go home and have to nip in I avoid him like the plague as I still feel so embarrased about it.

My DC's take squash in re-used leaky bottles as well and we are not remotely poor! I just object to excessive packaging and money spent unnecessarily. (unless it's on some bit of shallow frippery I really want for myself.)

Its just that all my frineds had either proper flasks or juice boxes and I wanted those!!!

friends

WEll I had free school dinners so think yourself rich young lady! Flasks and juice boxes indeed!

My old boss, who was very nice indeed, was a committed football fan. He was doing a fantasy football type game one year, and asked if my BF would like to join in.

I blurted said, "No thanks, he has brains."

I actually meant: he is a nerd and not remotely interested in football

oh god....

I'd just come back to work after suffering a MC everyone knew I was pregnant and I had to go to various departments in my job, each time everyone asking me how the pregnancy was going, and me tearing up everytime I had to say it was no more.

anyway I had to deliver a patient to thearte, where I saw a consultant who was at the other end of the corridor, and of course he said, how the pregnancy going?
well I just shouted down the long corridor, I've had a miss carrage I'm not pregnant anymore. cue faces from consultant, theatre sisters, and yes even the patient!

ROAR at Mrs Meow!!! So so funny!
and "I like Sikh's"

At uni, in communal sitting roo with girl I hardly knew from across the corridor. She flicks through a magazine and comes across a picture of Erin OConnor or some such super model, she says " Lots of people say I look like her", to which I reply " Do they? I think she's completely hideous!"

My mum can't swear at all - no idea of which words mean what: me and my borther (as kids) in corner shop with her talking to lovely elderly shopkeeper, he makes a light-hearted remark, mum says "Oh Len, you are such prick!" [blush blush]

Another time, to our neighbour she says "I'm just going to the hairdressers for a blow job"

I was cooing over a baby in a cafe and said "your baby is so sweet" to the mother."oh she's not my baby,she's my grand-daughter" said the woman,who on closer inspection was probably in her mid 50's but very youthful looking.I complimented her on what a young grandma she looked and then turned to the other lady she was with who had been smiling throughout as I cooed at the baby "so are you the great-grandma?" I asked. The totally shocked and frosty "NO I am NOT" made me look at her properly,she was in fact an old Schoolfriend of the Grandmother .I felt guilty all day.

Never forgotten the visit of my new neighbor's dd to my house 30 odd years ago. We were both about 13. Beautiful girl, half Nigerian. They were the only black family in the village and were very conscious of the fact.

She was going to a fancy dress party and asked me what costume she should wear. I blurted out 'you could go as a slave girl'! I had looked at her and thought - gold criss-cross sandals, white draped tunic, vine leaves in her hair. here

From the look on her face I suspect she thought I was suggesting she dress up like this: errrr!

She didn't call round again. I've never felt like such a turd in my life.

these are so funny.

But Psammead... brilliant. Especially your inability to bold it.

back in the eighties I worked in a dole office and the majority of people were old school and very 'civil service'

I was a naive 18 yr old and reading a saucy book in the packed tea room one afternoon wondered at a word & asked aloud "what's cunnilingus"?

Much tea was snorted down noses and a few puzzled looks as well. Office wag told all and I was 40 shades of puce as I scuttled out

went to a very old fashioned iron mongers to buy polyfilla and said to the blokes serving that I needed the large pack of it as "I had a big hole to fill"

cringe

countingto10 i read your post to mean that your dh was going to be circumcised in front of everyone in his office!

I thought blimey, his mother spouting off about it is the least of his worries

Psammead, I have had an utterly shit day and an utterly shit week and I've got a stinking cold and your state damp had me blowing big teary snot-bubbles and shrieking. DP thought I was having a seizure or something. I feel immeasurably better. Thank you

I didn't word it very well did I !

A lot of people had a lot of laughs at his expense at the time . Word seem to spread very quickly about what he was going to have done

*tittybangnang^ that is {shock] hilarious - especially the links. Yes, I admit I've drunk a whole bottle of wine, but even so, still had me making undignified cackling and snorting noises.

You'd never guess I'd taken a drink or two judging by my pathetic attempt to put you in bold would you?

When i was 17 at was giving my boyfriend a bj in his bedroom when we heard his mum coming upstairs. Quickly jumped up and regained composure then I chatted nicely to his mum while she put his laundry away. Was only after she left that I realised he had cum on my shoulder and hair. She can't have failed to see it so I tried to convince myself that she wouldn't have realised what it was. Of course a mother if 5 wouldn't have a clue about sex

Also when browsing round a naff touristy shop on Blackpool prom I exclaimed 'ooh look, willy flavoured rock!' (meant willy shaped sticks of rock). Friends hadn't heard so tried pointing it out again and couldn't work out why lady in front of me was sniggering until my friends finally explained it to me.