Make me laugh - what's the most cringey embarrassing thing you've ever said or done?

[FellatioNelson]

You know, the kind of thing where you develop a weird kind of social Tourettes and you just do or say something really idiotic for no good reason and everyone looks at you like or , and then shuffles politely and looks at their shoes. Or it all goes quiet and you want to die. Or just silly, funny, preferably humiliating stuff that has happened to you. Of you go...

tinylion that's the sort of thing that would have driven me to suicide at 18 or 20. couldn't give a toss these days! Well, I could, but I'd live. I'm not very good at making a fool of myself. I'd love to be less uptight and more silly, but can't do it.

FN, I wish I knew you in RL, you sound fun

I'm a laff a minute, me!

Psammead wins for making me cry for about 5 minutes, although Dee's was very good as well.

Mine is rubbish in comparison but still makes me wince:
Back in Uni days, our course was famous for doing a panto every year. I was one of the organisers/script writers. One of the girls was Persian(Iranian but supported the Shah) and was flying back to Iran to see family but was worried she might not make it back because of all the bombings - so muggins here says
"oh you'd better leave your copy of the script here then just in case you get blown up!"
It was MEANT to be a joke, I cannot THINK what came over me to say such an unbelievably crass thing. Everyone just went at me and I don't think she ever really forgave me, despite profuse apologies.

Was working in a shop and an elderly lady came in (with what i thought was arm in a sling)

conversation goes like this

me: oh dear did you break your arm, how did you do that?

her: no i had it amputated last week

me: oh dear

Which was Psammead - the damp state? that was ace.

Oh dear. At both of you. the blowing up thing and the arm. Oh dear.

another one

rather drunk in front of mil who is very very religious - irish catholic

Eastenders is on tv and i think Dot praying or talking about god

i say "oh yes bloody pray that will make the world of difference stupid woman"

In front of FIL (not the same time)

i fell over - i had been drinking but I managed to get my heel caught in the carpet and just fell backwards on my arse - he asked me if i was drunk - i denied it

It's hard to believe but I'm actually not too bad these days. But I was a fantastically socially inept teenager. I had a new boss start at our saturday job who had a bit of a fearsome reputation. She was a sikh and I knew some other sikhs (fairly unusual in our area). She mentioned it one day and I, trying to ingratiate myself with her, meant to say 'how interesting, I know a local family who are sikh, and it's a fascinating religion'. What I actually said was 'I like sikhs'. As though I enjoyed eating them. She gave me a very odd look.

Oh, I also once asked for a baileys and lemonade in a pub. The barman was lke and asked me about four times if I was sure I wanted them in the same glass. I was saying 'yeah, yeah' drunkenly, not understanding the confusion. It was only when it arrived I realised I'd meant to order archers and lemonade. I had to drink it though otherwise I'd lose face.....

A couple of years ago we took dd for a walk in the country and stopped to show her some donkeys at a gate.

After a while DH commented that I seemed to be staring at one of them.

'Yes, I told him, I can't figure this out' One of them appears to have 5 legs.

Cue hysterical laughter from DH and blushes from me as he pointed out that it wasn't a leg but he (the donkey, not DH) happened to be very well endowed

I fell over drunk at a NYE party TWO YEARS IN A ROW, in front of the same man, who I barely know, who happened to be outside taking the fresh air of Billericay at the same time as me. When I did it the first time, I hoped he'd forget, but then I saw him at the same friends party the next year and he said (rather too loudly) oh I remember you, you fell over didn't you? Poor you. Were you alright?' I bristled with indignation, but sadly, about 4 hours later I did it again.

I vowed to give up drink and NYE parties after that. Didn't work though.

PMSL at FlootShoot! I always want to tell Jews that I like them as well. Don't really know why.

I stopped to buy a copy of the Big Issue and got chatting to the vendor, who told me he only had 2 more copies to sell that day. So I went, "Ooh lovely, and then you can go home!" Fuckwit.

Nice. Which shop doorway would that be then?

Fellatio - Just Because i'm impressed

DH was about to be deploye to Basra and was telling me, MIl and FIL about his flak jacket, and how it only came down to just below his bellybutton. Cue idiot girl piping up loudly "Well that's no good is it for below your hips?"

I went so red I nearly died. FIL (very straitlaced vicar) thought it hysterical.

I'd like to say he's a friend (I do if I'm being particularly uppity) but he's just an aquaintance. We've often wanted to invite them for drinks or dinner like we would with the other parents of DCs friends that we know, but it seems a bit sad-fannish, so I dare not. His wife really likes me though.

My Mother is the Queen of social faux pas so I will nick some of hers.

Was shopping in Sainsburys with Mum as a teenager when she catches sight of some people she insists she knows. She just bowls up to them and starts saying to the man "hello hello how are you have you been unwell? You look so tired!" The man just stares at my Mother open mouthed as he obviously has no clue who the fuck she is then she turns to the lady with him and says "so this must be your Mother" to which he replies "No, that's my wife". At this point I literally drag her away from them leaving the shopping behind. When I turned back from the car park they were still staring at us aghast.

Chatting to her neighbor about a mutual friend who had recently had a nose job, "On no Maureen she needed it done. I mean, it was bad, it was worse that yours"

At the family dinner table a very shy and retiring man from Malta who had been staying with us discreetly told us in passing about the operation he recently had. My Mother for some reason just doesn't let it go;

"Oh no, so what was it John? Where exactly was the problem?"

She just carries on until he, perplexed and rather distressed, motions to his groin area and we (Dad and sisters) all just want it to end.

She just has no shame

Mine was when I was a teenager at school.
Some friends and I were walking home from school, just come out of the gates so it was very busy and a bit of a scrum. I was walking by the kerb and my foot slipped off the kerb sending me flying.
The survial instinct kicks in and I reach out for the nearest thing to steady myself. Nearest thing however happends to be the privates of the hunkiest guy in the six form!!

Mortified is not the word!!

I went very red and hung my head in shame. Couldnt look at him in the face ever again.

Constantly ribbed about it from my friends for many years after!

PMSL at the nose thing!

At a work function, someone says as a joke 'is this a swinging party?'

I pipe up "no, I've been to one of those and its very different".

Silence from everyone - they all stop and look at me - so I stuttered an explanation "well, we thought it was a swinging party and that's why we left early, but we'll never know for sure what happened after we left".

I don't think anyone believed my explanation.

And? How was it really?

No, really, we left early.

First time of my soon to be in-laws meeting my parents. It was to be a meeting at the wedding venue so everyone could have some input in to the big day. DP and I were incredibly hungover and still quite drunk. In laws offered us a lift down as we didn't have a car at the time. Stopped at a service station where I went in and bought a hot bacon and cheese sandwich. Rushed out to the car shouting to DP 'hey look, have got your favourite - do you want a bite?'.

DP looked aghast and muttered something that I couldn't hear.

Got in car with hot bacon sarnie and we drove off, car started to smell of bacon sandwich and I said 'ooooh, you can't beat the smell of bacon can you?'

Mil to be said 'actually we don't eat bacon because we are Jewish.

So, instead of apologising nicely and eating it as quickly as possible I threw it out of the window while shouting 'oh fuck, I'm really sorry'.

My dad wept with laughter when I told him and reminded me of it constantly for years.

A year after we married I offered to make a prawn curry for dinner for my in-laws...

d'oh!

Ah. Yeah - I hear you.