D' ya ever wonder if we'll get through in one piece?

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Morning girls. I've found us a new home

So as we were so nearly finished the thread I did my best to fill it up to completion. I hope you don't mind. I'm hoping you all find your way here too from then links I have sent.

This morning is dull and breezy in minisoks area. We're supposed to be meeting friends (though with no fixed arrangements) and dh is currently snoring his head off in bed. I might be slightly annoyed as my lie in yesterday got cut short with James waking me up to get his kindle and then my parents texting me to come over. I can't really grumble about that as they were bringing Emily her birthday presents but still. I think he's now had enough so I'm not discouraging the noise and thumping up and down stairs. 8 years old! So I now have an 8 year old, a 6 year old and the twins are 4! I can't believe how much they are all changing and growing. Jen does gymnastics, Joshy does toddler football. James is on an under 6's team (I've no idea how that works either) and has been invested in beavers. Emily is loving brownies and hockey, although hockey has finished until September . We're just trying to get some practise in for her so she doesn't completely forget what she's learnt.

Oh, and not forgetting Merlin the magnificent. He's a gorgeous puss, even if the children do love him to torturous degrees - poor kitten hides when he's had enough 'love'.

Enough of me, how the devil are you all?

Me next to the pirate!

Me in real life on the right

Feeling fed up......against our wishes James has bought a motorbike from his friend. He got paid yesterday and will be out of work until the cruise ships come in in a March. Half has gone on the bike. His friend rides like a looney, he still has his car and the insurance, mot are due in Feb,he will have no money. There is also nowhere to keep it here, he keeps his car atm in a parking space a neighbour has let him use. I just can’t speak to him tonight as I am so fed up he has just gone and done this. He has given me £100 board money in the last year. Harry has been quiet about it, says it’s not right but won’t say anything else. Now I feel I had better let him get on with it or I will be accused of driving him away like Rebecca. So down and fed up. x

Oh @triplets . You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Is James an experienced rider?

I don't know what to suggest about board either. Does he otherwise pull his weight or is James relying on you not wanting to lose him as well so taking advantage? Would a frank talk from Harry make any difference?

I understand your niece feeling angry and maybe not wanting to end up in the middle as well. But it's a shame she won't contact Rebecca. Maybe someone else telling her she's an idiot would have helped. Everyone can't be wrong!

We're muddling through here. James has a forthcoming appointment to sort adhd medication. It has taken some chasing and being very firm on my part - the phrase 'this is not acceptable' was used quite a lot. That and letting Camhs know I would be phoning every day until the person who was going to call me back did. Funnily enough I got a call back that day and then another one the day after confirming appointment.

Jenn has now had her first appointment for adhd. The dr was nicer with her than we had experienced with James so we are optimistic. But then we agree with her over Jenn, not so much with James. Jenn is now going to be put forward for the QB test and then options will be discussed for her. She's falling so far behind in school it's worrying. Although her reading is still miles ahead.

Dh and I are grumpy with each other at the moment. Think it's competitive tiredness and him being an arsehole kicking in! I'm sure it will settle down when he has some time off work.

Hi Soks you too have a lot on your plate, good for you sticking t o your guns and chasing them but it shouldn’t have to be that way. Feeling wretched today, came home to find James and his mate in the car park in someone else’s private space taking the bike to bits, blew my top but they just carried on. Rang Harry and told him, he came. Home and simply told them to do what the were doing in our car space! So I called James in and asked him how. He can afford this when he is going to have no work from Jan to March he wouldn’t answer. So I told him he is not keeping it in the car park and from now he starts giving me £150 board money every month so he had better start looking for a full time job. Also told him from now. On I don’t do his bedroom or his laundry. Fed up of feeling used. Harry just sat and said nothing. Be nice to get some support or even a hug. x

No James has never ridden a bike. x

Lordy! A beginner when the roads are getting wet and slippery... I really wouldn't want that. I'm not a fan of bikes personally.

Is it possible he's bought the bike to do up for a profit and sell on (clutching at straws).

I guess when he runs out of clean clothes he might realise you mean business. We showed James how to use the washing machine over the summer for his personal challenge. I'm thinking we might need to add it to a chore list now rather than later otherwise we will have the same thing.

Hi Soks hows things? Much the same here, lots of Amazon parcels arriving for James....well until he gets paid nex5 month h3 how cannot afford his cut test or the insurance.........GOOD! I have Thomas coming home for Christmas on Friday, can’t wait to see him! I sent Rebecca a Christmas card addressed it to the uni but sadly have had no response. I am trying so hard to be brave but missing her terribly and can’t bear the thought of another Christmas without her. This will be my 24th Christmas without Matthew, where has the time gone to? And talking of gone to where is all our wad muckers on here.

Roll call!

Feeling very anxious tonight, got my 6 monthly check up with the gynaecologist/oncologist tomorrow at 10am. So hate going. Putting off going to sleep as I don’t want to face the morning. x

@triplets - how did your Xmas go in the end? Hope there's been context from Rebecca and no sign of the bike.

Also hoping the Gynae went well for you.

My James started a trial of adhd meds just before Xmas. It's been a revelation!

Hope you have a positive start to the new year.

@shabbs @bubby64 @Chopstheduck @rubyrubyruby

Happy New Year to you all xx
Thanks for the name check. I get busy and forget a lot of social media.
Trips - i hope your appointment went well, and Harry is ok. Try not to worry about the bike, hopefully he will sell it on.
My James is still motorbike mad like his dad. Uses his bike in all weathers, so i got him new armoured boots and jeans for xmas alongside new heated gloves and vest, so at least he is warm and protected. He has already been knocked off it once, luckily minor injuries but his bike was written off. Luckily her insurance paid out.
Mike passed his car test, but still has not got a job, so i refused to pay his insurance. I cant afford £1500 without him contributing to it, so his car sits on our driveway. He has applied to Uni's so i have got to sort out the finance now.
Trips- do you think Rebecca has applied for estranged student funding to get all her living and studying fees paid, could she be so cruel as to do this to you just for the money??
Soks - im glad the meds are making a difference, and Jenn(love her insistence on her name!) Is being assessed.
I am still working from home doing agency since i won the tribunal. They have extended my contract to the end of March, but i really need the security of a full-time job.
Anyway. I hope 2019 is kinder to everyone.

Happy New Year to all you lovely friends! Good to hear all your news, and how your broods are dong. Well gynae/one appointment went very well, good prodding and probing and all seems well, so no more checks for six months! I have had news of Rebecca, it came from her ex boyfriends mum on Christmas Eve. She messaged to wish us a happy Christmas, she had Dylan home from uni and thought i had Rebecca. So I told her everything and she was shocked, didn’t realise things weren’t better. She then told me that Rebecca and James had split up, they share the new house then the bombshell that Rebecca had left the uni with her friend Emily who accused me of all sorts of hateful things. Dylan hasn’t seen her around Chichester for weeks. So I don’t even have the comfort of knowing she is still at uni. No uni I guess no money. She is tied into the house contract for a year and of course James father lent her the £500 damages deposit and agreed to be her guarantor.This upset me so much that on Boxing Day I woke up to four-cold sores on my bottom lip, I look and feel a mess. We had to cancel NYE supper here as Harry has come down with a throat virus! Well girls it can only get better........can’t it? Love yo you all, may 2019 bring you peace. xx

Where is everyone? Life plods on, a week ago today it was my trios 21st. A day of mixed emotions. Had my two boys but still no contact from Rebecca. Finding it so hard to deal with. Harry ok, just had his annual ct scan and all clear! 11 years from stage 4 cancer, he is amazing. I am off to the docs on Frid, had a sore neck for weeks, skin sometimes feels numb. More to worry about! Hope everyone is well and keeping warm! xx

Sorry @triplets. I'm here! Hanging on by a thread.

Much love to you. Can't believe Rebecca wasn't even in touch around her birthday.

Hi Soks. Hope everything is ok with you? Where dya think everyone is these days? x

Had trouble finding our thread. Think this thread is literally hanging on by one! Been awake since 4am my mind in turmoil. As you know my daughter at uni cut us out of her life 18 months ago. Long story but she got in with a pretty bad crowd. She moved house and I had no idea where until last Weds. I received a letter from her new landlady telling me she was 8 months behind with her rent. She told me that her guarantor was the boyfriends father. The rent owing is over £4000. I have been told through the grapevine that she and the boyfriend have split up. His father agreed to be her guarantor and the landlady has written to him asking him to pay up. I just don’t know what to do. I am afraid if we go charging down there she will shut the door in my face. I believe knowing her she must be in turmoil. What the hell can I do? x

Wow @triplets! Honestly, I think I'd drive up and fetch her home. Even if it's just for a weekend.

She's probably got herself into such a state that she's not thinking straight. She knows she's burned bridges from her end but she won't know there's still hope for her.

Did you ever get sorted with the landlady you were guarantor for? I'm surprised it's been allowed to get to £4000 but I guess that depends on how much rent actually was.

Also; given her ex's dad was guarantor, how on earth did the landlady get hold of your address? Maybe your daughter is hoping for contact???

Hi Soks thank god your here, missing everyone. It appears that Rebecca provided our names and addresses when she signed the contract, I don’t know if that’s compulsory. I do not understand why they have left it 8 months, that’s ridiculous. Yes everything was settled with the former landlady, it ended costing me £635 in damages. I have just received an email from the ex landlady, she has now told me that Mr Williams her new guarantor didn’t pay up for his son n the former property! I feel so ill over it all. The ex landlady has advised me to keep well out of it as we signed nothing. But it’s my daughter and despite hat she has done I just want her home. Thanks Soks, you are always here when I need you! Hope all is ok with you? x

My understanding is a guarantor promises to pay if the tenants cannot and is the person who will be pursued in the event of non-payment. Through court and bailiffs if necessary. Whilst it's immoral, the ex landlady is correct and you owe the current landlady nothing.

Honestly, I would go and get her. I'm sure she can organise halls or something with uni due to extenuating circumstances - I'd argue that it's likely her mental health has taken a hammering and she needs the security of halls to continue with her course. Maybe take a break, get herself sorted and start this year fresh.

She's now been abandoned by the boyfriend who enabled/encouraged her separation from you.

If she might not go with you, would her brothers go and frog March her home.

@triplets - any more news today?

Bloody awful day Soks. Yesterday I received an email from. Mr Payne the new landlord telling me how they have spent months trying to help Rebecca etc. He suggests strongly that we contact the guarantor to come to some arrangement. I asked him why they waited eight months. Before taking any action. He replied this morning at 7.30am and said he found my message acrimonious! He asked us to phone him. I got Harry to do it as I am in such an emotional state I would have been in tears. They had a long talk, I was at the hairdressers, he said they were new to renting and with hindsight perhaps shouldn’t have allowed it to get to this stage. Harry said he was very nice and was understanding. He said he was going to the house on Friday and would do his best to talk to Rebecca to see if she will agree to talking to us. He again said we should contact Mr Williams. We have family visiting tonight and have had a lovely evening to take my mind off of it. Came to be and found an email from Mr Payne! Said as you will be aware I spoke to your husband this morning re the rental situation. He said you seem to be unaware the amount of support we have given your daughter over the last few months, had it not been for us you4 daughter would be homeless. I am sure as her mother you would not want that. He then said I would consider very carefully before sending anymore critical messages!! Quote Mr Payne May I ask why Rebecca’s was allowed to run up this debt, eight months is a longer time. Had we received your letter four months ago we would have had her address, been able to write to her and possibly stopped the situation from going any further. How is that a critical message? Harry said he asked him the same thing this morning and he toldHarry with hindsight perhaps they were wrong. So satup in bed, stomach in knots and am so fed up with the lot of them feel like telling them all to f off and leave me alone. Sick of the who.e thing. x

Of course he's nice and understanding. He's hoping to tap you guys up for the money. Honestly, whilst morally I know it's wrong, if ignoring it gets you Rebecca back, I'd have no qualms. The ex's dad was foolish enough to agree to guarantor so that responsibility is 100% on him. Maybe in the future he will be a bit more cautious about allowing his son to separate a girl from their family.

Mr Payne is feeling defensive because he knows he shouldn't have let the arrears get that far behind. He's not got the first clue about the issues Rebecca has caused you in regard to rent and family split. Perhaps he should have checked her references more thoroughly as well.

But honestly, I'd turn up on the doorstep unannounced and ask if she wants to come home.

Hi Soks Mr Payne went to the house yesterday and surprise surprise there was no one there. He said he would try again next week. He has to give 24 hours notice before turning up so obviously they can do a runner. We have talked to so many people now and everyone is tells by us not to bail her out, to go down there and bring her home. I feel she won’t come willingly despite her state of affairs. Just cannot believe that little sweet girl has turned against us this way. x

My understanding is 24 hours notice to enter the property. So if he doesn't intend to enter... although that would be pushing the definition I am sure.

Weirdly our landlord is also called Mr Payne 😆

I don't think you need to bail her out as such. Financially someone else has legal responsibility for the arrears so I'm suggesting just ignoring that aspect.

As for whether she would come or not, I understand you want to protect yourself from the heartache of being rejected. But what if this time she is ready to listen? It does sound like a lot of the negative influence of the ex might not be there. The change in circumstances would be a good opportunity and she might be too scared to contact you as she must surely know how nasty she has been. Or now you have an address you could write (recorded so you know it's been received). Let her know you will be visiting on x day. If she's not there, well you have the answer as to whether she wants to reconcile.

Speaking from the perspective of the one who has cut their parents out, I've done it because father was bullying, aggressive and nasty in my own home. He didn't respect me enough to leave when told to and continued to subject me to verbal abuse and then started on my husband. Who was not there to defend himself. And had he have been, father would not have acted like that. They chose to go on the attack knowing I was defenceless.

Your circumstances are different in that outside influences seemed to encourage Rebecca to completely drop her 'old' life. Including friends and family.

Now that influence isn't there, Rebecca might have reverted to being your daughter. Needing her parents. And while I do understand that rejection again would be so, so painful, you would allow her to justify what she had done if you don't at least try.

Put it this way, mother actually sealed her own fate because up until one incident I was prepared to believe that father was the negative influence and mother simply followed for an easy life (as it had been through my childhood). But mother turned up on my in-laws doorstep. My in-laws are lovely, accepting and non-judgemental people. They just don't have it in their nature to be mean about anyone even when it would be justifiable. Anyway, mother turned on the waterworks and when that didn't work, proceeded to bad mouth me and their son! Needless to say my in-laws do not think much of them now. Thankfully they have since been left in peace.