D'ya ever wonder... [enter witty phase here]

[MultipleMama]

We fill these up fast!

Feeling better now I've had some sleep. Still don't know what to do with myself. At home, DC in bed and DH at hospital, watching horror movies alone. Just don't know what to do with myself.

With what little information DH has told me (after another hash of words), all I know is he is being cooled for 72 hours hoping to give his brain chance to heal from the lack of oxygen, he's also had an exchange transfusion due to Polycythaemia. He's unable to keep his heart rate above 100 and his SATS aren't very good. We're also not allowed to touch him as it's overstimulates him.

According to DH if I "wanna know what's happening with our son, I should start being his mother and ask the doctors myself" :(

Mama...................what a shock..........I havent been on here since Frid, didnt feel I had much to say. How many weeks were you? What happened? Did you ask to come home so soon? What did he weigh.......oh poor little mite, if he is like his siblings he will be a fighter! Please let us know more.............. x

Hi girls, I am here..........just been feeling fed up with life. Tomorrow is also 14 yrs since my lovely Dad died :(

I had him at 00.04 so I had only just turned 26+2. Can't really talk about without getting upset but short version; randomly went into labour, had him at home, and taken to hospital via ambulance. They discharged me because I was physically fine and had the free counselling session they offered. DH told me that when they weighed him he was 1lb 2oz.

I'm shit scared to see him to be honest, I don't even want to tell family because I can't stand their fussing or questions or demands to see him when I can't even work up the nerve to go sit with DH and see our son...

Massive hugs for tomorrow, Trips. I bet you have some very fond memories of him. xx

Mama, am I reading that you've not been to see Feliks properly yet? Oh sweetheart, I can't imagine how you must feel right now.

It must have been such a shock to you all and i can understand why you don't know what to do with yourself. I guess things aren't looking so good for little feliks right now??

Hopefully you and dh have been able to talk without more harsh words. I'm sure your dh only said what he did out of worry, fear and love for both of you. Albeit it was clumsily put.

Most importantly though, you need to be looking after yourself and allow yourself to be looked after. You are a strong woman mama but you are being so tested right now I worry for you.

Morning girls.

In my opinion, for what its worth, you should try to go and see him Mama - I felt the same with Gareth but I am so glad I did see him. It took every ounce of courage to go but I had to.

Morning..........lovely post Soks......thinking of you Mama xx
Must go to the cemetery this morning, horrid very black clouds out there although one has a silver lining............is that a good sign?

Morning, ladies. Had a hysterical moment this morning.

Phone my dad and told him, which set me off crying. I phoned DH, who sounded exhausted, and I cried again when he told me he told our baby about me.

DH said we didn't have to tell family yet if we weren't ready. And asked me to come through this afternoon. Which I'm going to force myself to do whether I see him or not is another matter.

Luckily, or sadly, I didn't really have a baby bump so PiL won't notice or question when I drop the DC off...

Oh Mama how on earth are you coping? Days since you gave birth traumatically, straight home and looking after the children all alone, I really really think you should tell your pil, they will be hurt if you dont and they will want to help you, the dcs and their son. I am not you, but I feel its the right thing to do. Please go and see your tiny baby, he needs you.......you are his closest link in this world....it will be hard, but I don`t want you having guilt and regrets. Just let him hear your voice................ xx

I managed to go enter the NICU but was about 30 minutes before I sat by his bed, and mainly because DH finally had enough and gripped my wrist and pulled me across - best thing he did.

He is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen in my entire life. The doctor said he shivered for the first time today, which they is a great sign as it means his body is reacting to being cooled. He has had 3 seizures but they said his scans showed good bursts of brain activity, whereas his first scan should almost none at all.

PiL have been told, and like expected MiL burst into tears, saying she wants to see him as he's in God's hand now no, he's in the hands of medical professional who are doing everything they can to give him the best quality of life. She calmed down, and after being told no, over and over, she's gone into a cooking mode and has offered to have the DC overnight Saturday so we can spend the evening and night at the hospital. My brother (he's almost 100% better now but still can't fly) knows and Petrov is flying over in two weeks, he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Still numb and keep zoning out, but I'm managing. K has drawn like 8 pictures, and A did some after school, so his bedside is covered in them :)

How is everyone today? xx

Oh Mama he must be soooo tiny, is he all wired up like you see on tv? It must be very scary, is he breathing on his own?

He's 13.2 inches long :) Currently the vent is doing all of his breathing caused by the CCAM cysts and BPS. But they can't do his lung op until he's stable... and until they know this cooling thing has been successful. Very scary, DH told me a woman lost her baby yesterday, she had T18 and heart problems (DH had coffee with the couple) came out the private room screaming and crying. Makes me realise that could have been and that I've stupidly took what I had for granted.

Can they operate on such a tiny baby..........Mama how are the other dc`s taking it?

Not without causing more damage and added risk, so until he reaches a certain weight and good enough health, they won't operate. The exception is if it becomes life-threatening, and they have no choice. But we're not there yet, and they think he won't be.

K is taking it well, we had to use the medical terms for him to process things and so he "understands" in his own way. I think drawing helps as well. A is I don't know, we told her that baby was ill just like Halo was and explained that they may be spending a little bit more time at GPs and she just said okay and went to play, the twins keep asking "why?" and "where Fee gone?"

Managed to write his birth story which I posted here. Was therapeutic in a way. Loads of tears shed though.

Oh my God mama! how is little Felicks now- again, take heart, my colleague had her little Freddie at 26.3, and he is now home, ok, still on oxygen, but home and doing well. I'm glad you have seen him and also told the inlaws, as you need their help now. And as for surviving the CCAM, Mike was 3lb 3, so a lot bigger, but they operated on him. Virtual hand holding as long as you need it.
Chops- there are some goodbideas there about school,but it must feel like you are hitting uour head against a brick wall.
Mama- virtual hand holding as long as you need it for you too.

Chanbel 5 did end up filming me, my manager insisted I be on film, but I hope that bit ends on the cuttingroom floor, we had the BBC turn up to film Monday as well . This all sounds great, but all I can think is that we are overdue a CQC inspection, and they are going to think "hey, look at all this publicity, we better inspect with a fine tooth comb, and find anything we can that is not correct!" I just hope they come when im on holiday (36hrs to flight time )

Morning girls xx

Mama - about the MIL reaction. My inlaws had no reaction to any of my sons. When they found out that Gareth & Matt had died they came to see us....which was a rarity. They shed no tears and talked about their own ill health. I wish they had cried about my sons......I know it must annoy you that she cries and talks about God....she probably doesnt know what else to do. To be honest I was envious when I read that your MIL reacted - my in laws couldnt care less.

I hope your little lad goes from strength to strength. xx

btw are you all having the same problem as me using MN, takes ages to post, click and all I get is Mumsnet.com is not running due to a long running script...........or something like that!!

Bubby, you have to let us know when you are aired! I wanna see!!

No-one saw me last time, since it was sky sports

Trips, how is your dh?

Morning. Having coffee with some NICU mamas. It's their first time and according to them I'm the "veteran" of us all. They're swapping stories and I'm dreading what they ask me but it's nice to talk to others unlike last time.

Shabs, I can admit that; despite her overacting, her dramatics and her overwhelming belief in the big man upstairs, she does step up and is always there for DC and us. I'm sorry you have such shitty in laws, what an awful and selfish thing to do.

Hey, bubby. You must tell us when you're on :)

Feliks has gone from not good to critical. His brain activity has lessened, still there but a decrease from yesterday and he has developed a G1 and G3. They said they're could be problems and decisions to make but he'll tell us on a need-to-know basis. And I'm to stay away from google

Trips, same question as Chops, how's your DH doing? And how you getting on?

Chops, any update with the school? X

Mama you sound so upbeat, yet I am sure you must be beside yourself with worry........even though you are a "veteran".......as we always try and tell you.......................REST WHEN YOU CAN................

dh is ok, being very stoic as usual...........spending a lot of time on his own at the allotment, its good for him really. We both watched a prog he recorded last night about beating cancer, it was upsetting in parts, you do forget that he has gone through all of that.............now facing another enemy...........

feel very tired tonight, hopefully will get to sleep past 6am......night all xx

Strangely I'm finding it quite easy to fall asleep, well mostly nap, in the most awkward positions and places. Don't worry DH is making sure I rest plenty and constantly reminding me I just gave birth a couple of days ago. Which I am little sore, so not likely to forget!

Not upbeat just a brave face. I have a habit of nervous smiles and laughter when discussing certain things like illnesss and death. So people constantly think I'm okay or that I find it funny, when really I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

He fought Cancer, so I'm sure he has the fight to deal with whatever news you get. You've all been through so much, it completely sucks that you haven't been given some peace without worries! Xx

Apollo is having a bad night so I'm up for awhile!

Anyone get a cure for earache, never had it.................owww!

How is Feliks today Mama?

He's... not good. We were prepared to lose him yesterday. It was one thing after another. We were taking things hour by hour and at one point our most optomistic doctor told us if we wanted to we should consider having him blessed. And it looks like today is hour by hour too. We won't be leaving his side anytime soon. I just keep reminding myself, we had a phase like this with Apollo and he's here and okay... but it's so hard.

How's your earache, Trips? X

My twins were both blessed by a Catholic priest in the middle of the night - they were born around 5pm and about 2am the next day a midwife came into the room and asked me about the blessing, and was it OK? I just said yes then crawled under my sheet and sobbed for hours.

At that point they were more worried about Dans survival but they had not realised the enormity of Gareths heart problems at that point. (and Danny weighed 5lbs 13ounces and Gareth was 4lb 1ounce and they were just two weeks early)

Its very scary stuff. I hope Feliks' situation and health soon improve. xxxxx