Went through our finances and we're fucked.

Actually love this thread and how supportive it is. Seen so many posts about people bragging about their income and when you're struggling it makes you feel shit. Lots of good ideas on here

You've identified the way out. You are both chronic over spenders.

I mean this kindly, as an accountant who it's very black and white when I do budgets etc, you need to discipline yourselves.

You can't "not live", you can't live in the manner you like to spend, and these are very different things.

I'm sorry this isn't a sugar coated answer, but telling you it's not your fault and it happens to all of us, isn't going to achieve anything, because it's not true.

Literally, stop spending. Stop making excuses. "Oh it's Christmas, soon, I have to spend". No you don't. Buy great condition secondhand, and put in pretty boxes, kids are none the wiser. And when it's a choice between having to give your children presents you can't afford, and giving them a secure roof over their heads, you need to understand that it's not a choice.

I advise so many people who plead poverty, yet their kids have the latest iPhone and a iPad. Each. Holidays, because they have to have one, it's just not fair if they don't. People need to be accountable for living within their means. I could get a Lamborghini on finance, but the repayments would be higher than our monthly food bill, so the answer is not buy it because I think I deserve it then declare we can't afford to eat. We can. I just chose to irresponsibly buy things I had no place to be buying, instead of food.

I haven't read the full thread to see if there's a breakdown of expenditure, so will scroll back and check.

What are you so drastically overspending on?

My first step would be to research Help Debt Management Agencies.

The agency will help you to consolidate ALL of the debt under one debt.

You will be put on a manageable payment plan and very importantly you will not have to pay interest.

If you don’t do this, your debts will keep increasing because the interest will be very high.

This is critical because you need help fast and you CAN get it.

Good luck you will be ok 💐

That’s great. You can do this!

Talk to Stepchange or similar. It will get sorted, it may take some time but it will be ok.

You’re absolutely not an awful mum.

I feel similar although our situation is different as there is a mismatch between me and DH and how we both handle debt and finances which is causing a problem. I’ve decided to take responsibility and chip away at the debt in my name while spending sensibly. One thing I’ve found that has helped is putting a little away each month for Christmas. I know some don’t like those voucher schemes like Park but I’ve found it great, I feel reassured there is some
money there for the kids Christmas presents, then I spend what I’ve got and try to be disciplined about not buying stuff I can’t afford. Not saying it’s the answer to all your problems but it might help to take that pressure off you next year x

talk to the older kids. They need to understand the changes that will be going on.
I hope the older kids understand that Xmas presents will just be a token this year. You can make sure the 7 year old gets more inexpensive/Poundland/second hand presents.

In the event of having payday loans

keep saying council T
pay the payday loans first as they will have the highest interest and thus get bigger if you concentrate on the smaller loans

as others have suggested get stepchange to help

one thing that citizen advise use and not sure if step change do is the budget planner https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/budgeting/budgeting/work-out-your-budget/

Excellent advice on here.
My main one would be to put your spreadsheet the right way round so it can be used as a spreadsheet and sorted.
As in column a name of creditor, b total owed, c monthly payment etc. You can colour code still. This way you can use the functions to sort and add up payments, debt etc.
At the moment your Google sheet is more like a notepad.

Scrolled back through OP's responses.

The one that stood out for me, was the "house full of shit." I've got a house full of shit too OP. I'm a bit of a hoarder. Can't throw things away, convinced one day we will use it. We won't. It's a problem. This is a big house, and every cupboard, drawer, wardrobe, spare room, is packed.

Well. It was. We've been trying to move too. And DH had a (well placed) bitch fit at me, at the amount of stuff we have and how it's not coming with us. And he's right. I couldn't bear to just throw lovely things out, or just give things away that I'd paid ££ for.

So, I've been slowly going through each room. Stuff went into two piles. Stuff that's worth under a tenner, straight in a bag to the charity shop. Not debatable. Once I'd got that in my head, it was easier to do, and it felt great taking all the stuff to the charity shop and binbags (14!) to a children's clothing charity.

Pile two, is to sell. I use eBay, but only on the 80% off fees listing weekends. And try to picture, list and schedule 100 things for each time. Often I'll only have the time to do 20, but it's all in the right direction. My clothes, designer kids clothes, and weirdly my old baby blankets have brought in about £700 a month. It's crazy to me, what people want. Cleared the study, and found two old WiFi routers. God only knows what I thought I would use them for again. They went for £40 and £55. It's so worth doing.

There's a lot of ADHD in our household as well, so I get the over whelming aspect. Honestly, when you see the clutter go, you feel like you can breathe again, and the money rolling in is great.

It’s okay to be honest that money is tight and speak with dc about the plan. My parents did when money was tight and it made me much more aware and able to make decisions like not guilt tripping them to buy stuff or pay for a ski trip (I knew they’d say no but feel bad about it). I have a wonderfully open relationship with them now. We were a family unit - a team.

Please speak to CAP. I have various views on Christianity but CAP is truly life changing for someone in your position. They can help you to make a plan and consolidate loans etc and provide support. You don’t need to be Christian, they are there for everyone. you will be in a very different position in a year so hang in there.

It's only September & you're already talking about spending more money you evidently don't have, so weird. 🤷‍♀️

Dahlia11. It’s not weird to be stressed about finances and worry about future events, that’s actually normal for many people.

but by tackling expectations now in September and alerting the two older D.C. Xmas can be organised somewhat differently and everyone will probably find they still have a great time

You’re tackling the debt side of things because that’s whats most threatening/urgent.

If you don’t thoroughly tackle the discretionary spending aspect of your accounts then nothing is going to change in the long run.

You’re taking on extra work to get more money to spend on… what? Debt in the short term maybe, but in the medium to long term? It’s difficult to take yourself out of the consumerist mindset, we are all bombarded with advertisements through every type of media, esp social media. The best thing you could do for your kids is try to establish a set of values as a family that isn’t based around consuming and spending. It would be interesting to have that discussion as a family, see whether your kids would prefer a small token at Christmas versus you working on the weekend (that is in the long term once you’ve paid off debts)

I have been where you are (we owed much more!) and will never forget the sleepless nights. I am living proof that it is solvable and once you have a plan in place you will feel so much better.
We rolled all our debts into one (that had lower interest) so that it was just one payment going out and we had a fixed end date in sight.
You need to
You should consider bills like council tax as non negotiable, they need to come out of your account by direct debit as soon as you get paid.
I would never have imagined that one day, through sheer hard graft, we would own our home outright, have savings and be financially secure.
It's daunting but you absolutely can do this.
Look into "flipping", that's buying cheap items, either online or in charity shops, and reselling at a mark up.
We used the local food hub (different to a food bank) that saves food from going to waste. Ours is £4 for 2 carrier bags full.
Learn to make pizza dough and make your own as much cheaper than shop bought, and don't even think about going to a dominoes!
Our 3 DC never went on a plane until they were able to afford to go abroad themselves, but we had tons of camping holidays and cheap caravan holidays (newspaper offers) and they totally understand the value of money now.
They say they wouldn't change a thing about their childhoods so I don't think it's done them any harm.
Finally is there anyone in your family you can ask for help? Because if I knew that my DD was struggling to the extent that she felt suicidal, I'd downsize and give her the money for a deposit in a heartbeat.

You've had lots of great advice here so won't add to that. But if your 19 year old is working full time, he/she should be paying a proper rent. It's NICE not to charge your adult children to live at home but it a) doesn't set them up for the realities of adult life b) you NEED the money. Even to rent a room elsewhere would cost them 3x that (or more) so have an honest conversation and ask them to pay double. .. it could easily knock off one of your debts much more quickly.

As for Xmas. Just no. I used to overspend (relatively) at Xmas.. then the kids got boyfriends and girfriends and then next thing I was doing stockings and presents for them too. Realising it was just ridiculous we sat down and agreed a simple strategy... we were all allocated ONE person to buy for max £50, plus our own partners. (They all get a big tub of sweets instead of a stocking) It has worked brilliantly and oh the relief! To my amazement no-one grumbled..and the realisation that there isn't endless money did not harm anyone!

Your children are almost adults.
One is 19. And they are only paying you £40 a week- why? Are they in full time work? I doubt that will cover their food each week.

can you be frank with them?

Christmas gifts should be the least of your worries. They should be happy with NO presents or a fiver spent.

(We are not in your circumstances, and kids are older and working, but see Christmas as commercial nonsense, except for religious people, and say no one has to spend more than £20-ish on anyone.) Just saying, to give another perspective.

It's not good protecting them from the truth at their age.

Not sure about the idea of marking SATs . Unless you are a qualified teacher, how would that work?

Longer term, have you thought about counselling for your ADHD? It looks as if the root of all of this is impulse buying and not being able to manage your finances.
It might help to get some support around this if you can.

Good luck!