Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

OP, did you ever see the loan agreement for the £30K your husband took out for the house renovations? Or saw the funds on a bank statement? I'm asking because like another person said, £30K isn't a lot of money for house renovations. Obviously that depends on what you've had renovated and who did the work. If your husband did all the work, with minimal tradespeople in to help, then it might be a reasonable cost. If you never saw the loan agreement and your husband simply told you it was for £30K, then in reality that loan could have been for substantially more money. If that original loan was for say £50-£60K rather than £30K, and then you add in several credit cards, then it's much easier to see how he's run up £116K of debt. What's not easy to see is where that money has gone.

@Pixiedust70

So sorry to read your situation, you will get through this.
He now needs to be open and honest with you so you can either get through this together or you can make any decisions you need to so that you can protect yourself and your children.

Firstly do share with a friend you know will be supportive.

If suffering from anxiety do speak to your GP so you can cope.
Write a list of all the debts so you have a complete view of who/what/where
Then contact all the relevant companies as mentioned by previous posters.

It will be a tough few days, but you will get through this.
He has let you down, and it is a betrayal, he has form (why I left my first husband, I just couldn't trust him after finding out he was gambling and not paying our bills) I wouldn't have been able to live like that.

I also had a friend who went with a similar situation to you finding out after massive debts were revealed when he explained he wanted to sell the house to clear debts.
They split up, sold house, cleared debts and my friend started a new life. But their children were much older. They had a high value property, so in the end they managed to clear their debts.

Remember you will get through this.

So despite him having been poor with debt and credit previously you don’t have any real visibility on your finances and you estimate that the renovations cost circa £30k. If you were to be asked how much the bath, the electrics or the kitchen cost for example would you be able to say with any degree of certainty? If not why not.

Why is he solely responsible for the household spending.

You both need to sit down and get a real picture as to the situation and a strategy as to how it can be managed and reduced.

Moving into a rented property is a knee jerk reaction, he is panicked but long term renting is not the answer.

Start with a blank piece of paper and detail all incomes and expenditure and go from there.

I'm guessing if the OP asked her husband to do a self-credit check, with a company like Experian, whilst sitting with him, that check would list all the formal debts he has?! Obviously that wouldn't include any money borrowed from family or friends.

Can you insist he comes home immediately, or you go there? A sit down and frank look at where exactly you are financially, is the only way forward. And I wouldn’t want to wait a week.

He needs to be 100% transparent about where this money has gone, and if he won't then you need to walk away and fast before he drags you down with him. I would try and make some phone calls to debt charities today so they can clarify your position in this for you.

He's an utter shit to have done this when he's away. In fact, it's bordering on unforgivable but there must be a reason why he's suddenly told you so I'd be prepared for bailiffs/debt collectors banging on the door.

OP, when he is back sign up to Clear Score, both of you, and get your credit records. They should detail every single loan and card. You can then ask him to download the transactions for the past year on all cards, and download the loan statements. Tick each one off as you get them so that you know you have the whole picture.

He needs to talk to somewhere like Stepchange to see what his options are and if he can avoid going bankrupt and losing the house.

This is a huge betrayal of trust, I have been there in the past with XH although not with such large sums.

You do need to seriously think about what to do next, and seeing a solicitor is a good idea.

If you do decide to stay with him, then he needs to pay the money back himself, and you should not give him any funds to do that. He also needs to give you his wages, and you pay all the bills, so that you know he is not still throwing money away.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Please do not sign anything or agree to anything until you know all the facts, including the extent of the debts and where the money has gone. Even if you and your husband have separate finances, you are morally entitled to know what the money has been spent on; if he does not give you full answers, it is likely that he has spent it on bad stuff (drugs, gambling, escorts, another woman/family somewhere). I would suggest getting your own legal and financial advice in addition to any that you and your husband obtain together.

100% he should get an IVA. They won’t leave him with a lot of disposable income but they do allow for you to consider all your outgoings - clothes, house maintenance etc etc. So you need to include every penny you spend on the income and expenditure form but let’s be honest the minimum payments on the loans will likely far outweigh the IVA repayment, as that should be affordable, house equity will be considered if its more than £10000, but your half will be protected.

Once he is in an IVA new debt will be pretty unlikely. Then I’d get my ducks in a row and consider how you can leave him. What he’s done is a huge betrayal

I'm really sorry this is happening, OP. Don't be embarrassed to tell people you trust in real life, this isn't your fault and if they were in this situation, wouldn't you want them to feel able to confide in you?

Definitely speak to the charities...as awful as it is, there are processes that can help to manage this. It's not insurmountable.

You can’t get it back? ?? HE CANT BE TRUSTED.

You either need to take over the finances fully and stop pretending he can manage money, leave him, or repeat this again.

I know that sounds harsh and I know the feeling you are describing, it’s devastating. But you have to make the decision now. Bailing out people like your husband is a huge mistake. You need to either accept who you have married, take over finances or leave because if you don’t, it will happen again. That’s a guarantee.

I'm so very sorry you're in this situation through absolutely no fault of your own. You have had some great advice on this thread - for clarity I would say there's only one thing you absolutely need to do today and that's apply for Matrimonial Home Rights through HM Land Registry. Check that your property is registered through HM Land Registry (it will be usually) - this confirms the title status. Then you fill out form HR1 which is available through GOV.UK HR1 Publication Page and submit it to the Land Registry. Once processed the Land Registry will add a notice to the property deeds and send you a registration notification as confirmation you have completed this successfully.

I sympathise with you so much, I had something similar years ago with my ex. My advice to you is to take it one day at a time - so this today, and then tomorrow phone a solicitor. Protect yourself, your children and your home as your first priority. The amounts, why's and wherefore's from your husband you will ascertain in due course - he's a weak, lying and irresponsible man to do this and then drop it to you over the phone while he's not available.

THIS!

There will be a reason he's told you now @Pixiedust70 , and it's probably because he is out of any other options.

Ring the solicitor and safeguard your interest in the house if you can.

Demand all the financial records from him - every statement/agreement for every cc and loan.

Then speak to Step Change for advice on YOUR situation - any liability, what could happen to the house equity etc.

HE also needs to speak to them for advice on how to get through this and manage HIS massive debt.

Not how you wanted to spend your Monday, but this day will pass, as they all do...

💐

Edit to add: if someone comes to your door, check who it is before you open it.
If it's bailiffs, refuse to open the door. They can't force entry at the initial stage of debt recovery.
If it's a process server, ditto.

Assuming you are legally married register your rights to the home to make sure he cannot sell it or take loans against it without you being aware

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

Regarding the debt, there’s nothing you can do about what’s already happened. What you can do is take charge of the situation now.

As a married couple, you must have full transparency when it comes to finances. You should both have access to all accounts and discuss your monthly budget, savings, debts, and financial goals together.

You need to start doing this ASAP. His debt will affect your shared financial future, so you need to understand the full extent of it and work together to come up with a plan. You should be budgeting everything, figuring out how much you can realistically afford to pay each month, and making a clear plan to tackle the debt.

Honestly, I find it hard to understand how someone can accumulate so much debt during a marriage without their partner knowing. It sounds like you weren’t involved in managing the finances, and that needs to change now. You need to get a clear picture of where you stand financially and make sure you’re both on the same page going forward.

I’ve seen people come back from far worse situations, but that requires both partners to step up and work as a team. Clearly, you haven’t been doing that, and until you start acting like a team and taking responsibility for your finances together, nothing is going to change.

What’s your source that men do that? Some maybe but not all.

Apologies if this has already been asked, but why has he told you now?

You need to ask for his bank account log in details so you can see exactly where the money is going. If he refuses, then he obviously doesn't want you to see (maybe he's using sex workers whilst working away).

Also, maybe set up an experian account in his name so that you can see all his credit details?

@Loverurarliving01

As a married couple, you must have full transparency when it comes to finances. You should both have access to all accounts and discuss your monthly budget, savings, debts, and financial goals together.

100% agree with this. It's what we've done virtually ever since we met. Even before marriage/living together, we knew each other's finances, wages, savings, etc. There has to be 100% trust and visibility between spouses or when you've tied your finances together such as buying a home together. It's really a sign of abuse when one spouse/partner won't be honest and open about finances as it usually means they're hiding something.

Plus ADHD + gambling are a lethal combination.

DP has ADHD and is also very impulsive with purchases, I look after the household bills + big purchases because of this, he’s always second guessing himself if it’s something we need or just something shiny he wants.

He hasn’t gotten in debt while with me but he has in the past. He ended up blocking himself from all gambling, I think it lasts 5 years and then he just blocks again? He has no impulses or anything towards lottery tickets and such, it was only on his phone and he found it very addictive.

Of course NAMALT, only the hard of thinking get upset about that. You could just google it yourself of course but seeing as your testes might be in your eyes:
Financial distress and severe debt are primary triggers linked to family annihilation (familicide) and escalations in coercive control. When a male perpetrator faces catastrophic debt, his response is often driven by rigid gender expectations, a desire to maintain absolute dominance, and a perception that his family is an extension of his economic status. In a study on British family annihilators published by criminologists Elizabeth Yardley, David Wilson, and Adam Lynes, financial distress was identified as the primary motive in 29% of all cases. It was the second most common driver, trailing only the breakdown of the family unit (47%). It is well known as a psychological trigger.

Do not agree to sell now. Get legal advice about separation and divorce and debt while he is away, not because you are planning on leaving but because you need to be armed for what comes next. Personally i would leave him as thats a massive betrayal of trust but i would not leave the house. Move half of all money in joint accounts into accounts in your name only. Check your credit record to make sure none of it is linked to you and damaging your credit rating. Put a notification on theland registry so if he tries .to borrow against the house or put it up as collateral you are notified

Why are you not on the house deeds. Notthe mortgage the deeds. You need to register an interest with land registry straightaway. You need urgent advice about matrimonial homes rights. If you don't he could just sell it without any reference to you.

When you take out the mortgage you register who owns it then. So it is linked to the mortgage. Tenants in common or joint tenants or sole ownership.
It cannot be changed without the mortgage company knowing.
Astonished you are not on the deeds.

Irrespective of any payments towards the cost of the mortgage. But you are married which is likely to be helpful.

You need to see evidence of the debt.
Not just him saying it exists. Evidence of it. All of it too.

Do not sign anything, do not move out or agree anything yet.

If he cannot show you evidence of the debt or refuses to then tell the Solicitor that. But do not tell him you are seeing one until you do.

Awful OP. But please always be on the deeds of a property you live in if owned.

What did he say when you said 'you've just trashed my life and my future'?

You say he definitely doesn’t do drugs. Honestly I’m struggling to see much else that could account for this kind of debt. Drugs, gambling, sex workers. 🤷‍♀️