Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

I watched The Other Mrs Jordon (still on ITV caatch-up) which showed in UK bigamists often go undetected and debt like this was a common factor for all of the women. I worry he is away so frequently and regularly.

I just want to thank everyone, I can't reply to everyone individually, but just wanted to say I'm truly grateful for the replies and support, it's a hard thing to say out loud.
So far he hasn't really answered me about what the moneys gone on, he just says excessive spending, he says he's willing to let me control the money, so I guess that's something.
He can't come home as he's on an oil rig, so I'll have to wait for him to come home.
He's contacted step change now himself and initiated a debt payment plan, so hopefully that means the debt won't go any further now. He's obviously hit the wall of no more borrowing and that's why he's told me.

Have you asked for his banking log in details?

Would he be able to do drugs (indeed even drink alcohol) on an oil rig?

Don’t agree to anything until you have full access to all his accounts and his credit score. So you can look at absolutely every spend. I’d also google some of the names of the transactions as sometimes an elicit site will use a cover name.

He can't get up to much out there, but he has mentioned before that there's a bit of betting out there and theirs a lot of masculine outdoing each other energy.

I'm just mentally exhausted now, I know I need to make some big decisions now, but with 2 teenagers to think of as well, I just don't know how I'll do it 😞

Is he actually on an oil rig though? Lots of these men say they are spies or in the forces...they are using women's money to travel to their other families and pass some of the money on and say it's salary. Then the loans on each property, etc.

Oh bloody hell..yes, I hadn't thought about that 😳..

It’s strange that everyone is jumping to gambling, drugs, secret families, etc. Not that those things are impossible, but I think this case might be much simpler.

I know people who work on oil rigs, so the salary must be decent, which would explain the amount of the loan they were approved for.

It’s very easy to live beyond your means nowadays, especially if only one person is managing the finances.

Our combined household income went from £60,000 to £120,000, and it was shocking how quickly the money disappeared. We didn’t buy a new car, go on holiday or anything like that. It was just everyday expenses and a few more luxuries, like buying £70 face cream instead of £20 face cream.

When I decided to become a SAHM, we had to go back to our previous income, and it was bizarre to realise how much we had to cut back on. And we’re not people who go out or eat at restaurants regularly.

It’s surprisingly easy to spend money without realising how much you’re spending. If you don’t have shared finances and communicate regularly about money, it’s very easy to lose control.

Don't do an IVA, and don't use a debt management company.

Get advice from Step Change and don't get tied into anything that will charge him a management fee or whatever they call it, otherwise a %age of the monthly money he's paying towards the debt is lining their pockets, rather than 100% going towards paying off the debts and it will take much longer.

It is very hard to spend over 100k without your partner seeing any items appearing in the house...

Sorry you're going through this OP. You need complete transparency from him about where the money has gone, without that, you're nowhere good. If you get transparency then you can make a sensible plan going forward, whatever that may be. It may be that he overspent by 20k a year for 4 or 5 years, with mounting high interest on credit cards...it's shocking how it adds up. Or there is a gambling issue or spending on sex workers which has contributed to the debt. At the moment anything is possible.

The most appropriate solution depends on how much disposable income he has. It could well be that an IVA is worthwhile as a percentage will get written off and he also has certain legal protections. If he can't complete a debt management plan in 6/7 years at the most (to account for the fact he's not had an IVA on his record), then a 5 year IVA is likely to be the way to go. He will get advice on this if he talks to Stepchange.

To complete a DMP in that amount of time, with interest frozen, and without his creditors pressuring him to increase his payments to them, he'll likely to need to be able to consistently repay about £1400 pm after covering his share of household expenses including anything annual/irregular, eg car costs, insurance etc. If he can't manage that, then an IVA will require a lower repayment set at whatever is affordable on his/their budget.

Not so when £30k+ is home improvements that the OP knows about. A similar amount could be interest, which is only visible on statements that the OP hasn't seen. A lot could be food/drink/socialising, again not translating into 'stuff'.

The OP mentions 2 motorbikes that he orders things for and potters about with.

There's likely a lot of truth in the old joke that the easiest way to not have your DW notice that you've got a new (motor)bike is to just make sure it's the same colour as the old one. In any case, motorbikes require helmets, leathers, insurance, servicing etc. All expensive.

Let's hope he has just spent it but I would want to see proof. No point trying to solve a finance issue if it is actually a gambling/drug habit/other family as it will just continue.

he says he's willing to let me control the money, so I guess that's something.

Oh, so now he has hit a wall and can't borrow any more - he will let YOU sort it out??? How magnanimous of him

You couldn't make it up could you. What a prince.

Don't control his money, he'll end up resenting you for it and it'll put more strain on you and your marriage. I've been there, this isn't the answer, it's just a cop out from his end.

Sorry to come back to it but there are renovations and renovations aren’t there? Costs can quickly mount up. I think very few stay exactly within budget as there are always some issues that require a bit more money/time than anticipated. And many people don’t allow sufficient contingency.

I might be surprised but some people are coming up with what seem to me to be some fairly extreme reasons. £100k is a lot of money but not with a renovation, some other borrowing and interests being added in over a number of years. Some annual credit card interest rates approach 30%. So just approx numbers, if he owed £20k on credit cards that could be £26k at the end of year 1 with just minimum payments. Add in a couple of loans as well it’s really not that hard to see how one could arrive at £100k. There might be some “new spending”. As we all know just general cost of living has gone up massively.

if there’s no household budget containing costs as well, then it’s not hard to see how it could have spiralled.

I agree with this.

This was the red flag in the situation I mentioned upthread.The family hadn't purchased anything flashy. Hadn't gone on ANY holidays with the money.

When you see people go through things like this - your spider senses go off when you see a similar situation.

I hope its just over-spending/mis-calculated rennovation costs etc ... but I doubt it.

Exactly. Let him sort his own mess out. He's not a child.

Also, I'm not 100% sure on this, but I think the company can extend the IVA, under certain circumstances, one of which being under the equity clause, which could affect him, seeing as you own your home. He'll have to remortgage and use the equity to pay towards the debt.

@Pixiedust70 here something that explains what I mean.

There has been another thread recently where a woman's partner ran up debts she was unaware of and was unable to say where the money went. Weeks after the discovery he still won't show her the statements. He just won't do it.
You absolutely need to see where the money was spent, all the logins, everything. If it's a gambling problem you might think you've almost sorted it out and then go straight back into debt. You could lose everything. I really think knowing where the money went is so important because this could all just happen again. Insist on full transparency with all the statements.

Do you have many holidays OP ?

I pay for the holidays, I suppose he does pay for a few meals out and outings when we're away, but I wouldn't say it's luxury holidays, usually all inclusive, so all paid for, but we only go once a year for a week normally.