Husband has hid HUGE debts!!!

[Pixiedust70]

I've been married 18 years, and have 2 teenagers. I feel so sick right now, I don't know what to do. I knew he had debt as we renovated a house we bought 4 years ago, but he earns a good wage and I trusted him to manage it. We had no debt moving in here, so in 4 years he's ran up £116,000 in debt. I never thought it was possible to even get that amount of debt. I'm so upset, I don't even know how I feel, I'm just numb. I have lost all trust in him, I'm also a childminder, so if the house goes, so does my job. I'll have nothing 😞
I suppose I just want an outsider perspective because I can't speak to my friends as it's too embarrassing

I totally understand. You are doing your part so you assume the other is doing theirs.

But the reality is , is that the things you are covering, do not affect the long- term financial stability of the family. Eg, the mortgage, investments, loans etc

And it’s these things that need both partners involved.

Otherwise - the family is left in a vulnerable state - should these things be mishandled.

He may have gone to Stepchange already, but you still need to see everything. There has to be no secrets from now on. I know that Stepchange send you a summary of everything as I have seen this with a friend, so get your DH to send the Stepchange emails on to you, and when he gets back you still need to go through everything.

He needs to accept that he has to show full transparency now, or the marriage is over anyway.

Sorry he's done this to you op. What a shitbag

i would ask for his banking app log in info so you can log in and have a look through whilst he is away, if he says no then that's a problem, and his credi score log in details

Agree that you mainly need to communicate to him that transparency now is the only potential way to salvage your marriage.

It is really no wonder women are finding men less attractive with these behaviours also being blamed on them for "not being aware" when the man is usually the one who wants full control over the finances. You let them have this and they will screw you, but you deserve it for trusting them is the message.
OP this isn't on you, you thought that you were both being frugal and you were paying for holidays, raising kids and running your own business. He has been a deliberately deceptive prick and spent long periods out of the home and is currently avoiding all accountability while expecting you to pick up the pieces.

On what basis is the house ownership? You need urgent legal advice on this situation to try to salvage and protect your share of the house.

Id be divorcing him over this, what an absolute shit he is.

So sorry op. Is he definitely on an oil rig?

debt of that magnitude means drugs, gambling or sex work. More likely than a second family.

why aren’t you named on the house? X

It's totally fixable. I can understand it's a huge shock for you and the lying will be a big part of it.
Obviously he needs to be complete honest with you. Where has the debt come from? It could easily have been renovation overspending, expensive interest rates, a tenner here, a tenner there, late payment fees etc etc but he and you really need to know what's led to this.
It might be gambling with him each time trying to win the money back (so maybe that's why he didn't tell you) or perhaps he didn't want to worry you.

Whether you continue the relationship will I think depend on if he lays all his cards on the table, understands the mess he's in and the impact on you and knuckles down and makes a proper effort to address things.

In the meantime I would take advice yourself, just to make sure you are protected. Start by checking your own credit file to check he hasn't taken any credit out in your name and to see if you are associated financially with him in any way and take it from there.

Good luck.

The way I see it there are 2 options here:

1. divorce. No matter why he has ran up this debt it is unacceptable. Completely and utterly unacceptable.

1. you decide to continue the marriage which would mean you take over all the family finances. You check his credit file monthly to check he hasn’t taken out any money. He essentially gets pocket money on a card every month to spend- that’s it. He gets not other access to the accounts. He creates a repayment plan. Honestly can you be arsed with this option? It’s lots of work but you might think it’s ok (or ok for now).

You let them have this and they will screw you

This is actually the point I and another poster was making - it is a really risky way of living.

Not OP's fault at all.

It's just that unfortunately, some men will put you in this position - if you are hands off with the bills.

So for OP - full transparency is needed now - and for others who may come across this thread - it maybe something they may consider - to avoid being put into a similar situation.

Make sure he gets advice from a free independent service such as citizens advice or step change.

A debt management plan (dmp) is an informal agreement with your creditors. IVAS and bankruptcy are forms of insolvency and may affect your house and any assets. It is really important that he (and you) understand exactly what he is signing up for, especially if it may affect your house.
He should also be aware that bankruptcy (and possibly ivas) can affect people's jobs/careers. Certainly he may never be able to work in certain industries and it may make life more difficult in other industries. It is therefore vital that he (and you) understand exactly what he is signing up for.

How is he currently explaining not giving you access to his banking apps/all statements?

I wouldn’t be thinking of divorce.. surely she leaves with half the debt in this case it will financially ruin her if their isnt enough equity in the house to even pay it off ..
I would stay until at least he has paid the debt then think of your options .

Theres a couple scenarios, and given hes an offshore worker...

Gambling, especially on rigs is prolific, so easy done (online i mean)

Cocaine.....again prolific amongst offshore workers. Boredom.....

If hes gone to a debt charity, they want proof on where the money has gone. So a card paying off a card etc will work.

I guess your saving grace is that its all in his name.

Not if its in his name and theres no proof it went on family living.

Citizens Advice Debt Help

If you’re having issues with money or debt, you can:

• talk to us online about a debt problem using chat - we can usually help between 9am and 8pm Monday to Friday and between 9.30am and 1pm Saturday
• call our debt helpline - it’s available 9am to 8pm Monday to Friday and 9.30am to 1pm Saturday

Debt helpline: 0800 240 4420 Relay UK - if you can't hear or speak on the phone, you can type what you want to say: 18001 then 0800 240 4420 You can use Relay UK with an app or a textphone. There’s no extra charge to use it. Find out how to use Relay UK on the Relay UK website. The debt helpline is not available on public holidays. Calls are free from mobiles and landlines.

Might be best to be as calm & smiley as you can manage OP, just to get the truth out of him, pretend to believe him but investigate as much as you can. If he thinks you're likely to go forensic he'll work harder to hide things.

True. I kicked my husband out and promptly divorced him over money. Wasn't even so much the debt he ran up it was the lies and secrecy. Trust was gone

She should take legal advice on this- question being, are debts run up in the marriage by one person only- will they be considered in the divorce settlement? Because if he had admitted he run these debts up himself without her knowledge then that could be taken into account.

what I’m saying is she shouldn’t assume the debts will be split 50/50 in a divorce settlement in this case.

A lot of the amount could well be interest that has accrued which would make me almost a mad as any of the other reasons as the interest and the position you are now in would have been more avoidable if he had been open and honest

If the renovations were £40k, you could get to £100k+ debt over 4 years with £1000 over spend a month at 5%
It is still an eye watering amount of money but equates to more like £30 a day rather than the £300 another person calculated.

I wouldn't accept taking over the finances this is his mess to sort out. I would request full transparency and to be involved in all conversations in terms of engaging with payment plans and sorting everything out, he's to take responsibility for it. The first thing for him to do is to go through his possessions and sell any with value.

I wonder if it started around the time of the renovations and he started spending more as if you are borrowing £30k what is an extra £1000 on buying whatever it is he's spending the money on and it's snowballed.

What sort of contact do you have when he is away, would a video call be possible? I think right now you need to have full oversight over what the debts are, which are the ones that will cause the biggest problems and go from there.

We have a spreadsheet which covers all the money we have. All our outgoings are on one tab, our savings on another. It has the details of mortgage, dates when deals expire and we both update once a month and once every 3-4 months we go through it together to check on where we are. I would look at doing something so that there is a track of his spending and debts for him to complete but you have oversight so you can see it's moving in the right direction.

How do you usually manage money with in the relationship? Would it be worth mirroring what you ask if him? I don't need permission to buy things but I would say I talk to my partner about 98% of what I buy. It's not in-depth but can be, Child has had a growth spurt. I've found leggings, t shirts and PJ's in Sainsbury's. What do you think? Often "fine", some times would she want shorts for when we go away or mums bought some PJ's. In many ways it is unnecessary but also it means we have a very open dialogue about money and spending and means that the big money conversations are easier.

My DH and I are very much “involved in our finances”, we both pay towards them, we both know what our bills cost and when they get paid each month - but our accounts are separate. So if he was also paying for something I was unaware of that wouldn’t be because I’m not involved in our finances. It would be because he’s doing some secret thing with the rest of his money that I’m not privy to.

It’s financial infidelity.

Get into that garage and start digging out documentation and get some info. Tonight. It didn’t just go up in smoke.

You cannot CANNOT recover from this, without answers. If you can’t push him for answers , then it will happen again. Do not let him say ‘I can’t undo this, there is no point looking back etc.’

there is every point.

DO NOT FIX THIS FOR HIM

Do not let him gaslight you. This is serious and you could all end up homeless.
This is a chance for him to dig himself out and turn his life around. HE DID THIS.

do not back down and do not fix this

Set up a clear score account using his information but your email address. You’ll be able to see all the debt - in which time frame - who the loans are with, the credit cards, how much is owed to which. Any missed payments etc.

Its sneaky - but I’ll admit - I did it with a ex who racked up a load of debt and wouldn’t be truthful. And it was all there in black and white. No lies - hard truth.

Anyone I've known who has worked offshore has random drug tests from their employer - cocaine on an oil rig is a recipe for fatalities! Gambling, prostitutes or both are the most likely scenarios.