Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

I would search for previous threads on this topic, there have been several with great advice.

What do you get paid for caring for your child at home? Serious question. If the answer is nothing then that is a problem.

Do you not have a joint account?

Does your husband pay for the couples counselling because that is terrible advice?

Have you pointed out to him if he doesnt want to share money ypu can take a large chunk of 'his' assets and he can pay 15% of his income a month instead, aa well as having to fend for himself?

Because that would be marriage ending for me.

Where is the head slamming against the wall emoji?

no, nothing about this is fair.

You gave birth to his child and are sacrificing your own career and earnings to care for your shared child. He should be covering half of your losses, both direct and long term.

You should also have full access to money without needing his permission. The easiest way to accomplish this is to simply have joint accounts. All money earned by either of you is considered communal.

There are other systems that can work, but the net result should be the same. Free access to funds and you both feel the equal economic impact of having a child and going down to one income.

If he won’t change the setup, you need to go back to work full time. I would also reconsider the marriage in the long run, because a man who doesn’t think about your financial stability is not a good man.

Good lord this is not okay

Why is it your responsibility to pay for child's clothes and not a joint responsibility? It's his child too!

Agree that it sounds like you'd be financially better off divorced.

If he won’t change the setup, you need to go back to work full time. I would also reconsider the marriage in the long run, because a man who doesn’t think about your financial stability is not a good man.

Agree with this. Sorry he's doing this.

Have you considered saying to him 'Either we change our finances or we get divorced?'

Where did you find this couples counselor? It is the kind of counseling I would expect to hear from a conservative church counselor that wants women to leave the workforce and let men run the family.

This is not a normal sahm dynamic, or at least not a healthy one. However it sounds like the plan for you to quit after mat leave was fairly temporary if the plan was to use your savings? Was there a discussion for what happened after the savings ran out? Was there any conversation about money?
You can only be a stay at home parent bringing in no income if everyone in the partnership is happy with that.
I am a sahm but our money is totally joint, I have as much access to our current account and savings as my DH and can spend as I please. I would never have to justify personal spending to my DH let alone things for the household, but that’s because we understand parenting very young children is a job and that’s my role so our money is equally earned. In your case you need to be going back to work unless you have a joint account going forward.

Either your DH is willing to support you financially or not. And looks like he isn't. So you need to get a job and start contributing.

@Ewg9 ,you posted elsewhere "This doesn't sound fair but it is my reality...hubby and I are in couples counselling I do 100% for our DC but i am a SAHM and think hubby thinks that's my job, unpaid and all my responsibility. "

Divorce the skinflint and take him to the cleaners.

I will be kind as you are in a mess.
In a marriage we expect to be able to trust. He has used and abused your trust. You have nothing to berate yourself for. He has. Oh, yes he has.
Unless he shows you ALL his financial dealings and there’s an immediate change, use @Glenthebattleostrich’s advice and don’t hesitate to follow through.

I don't get paid anything for caring for our child. I try to make up funds by selling on vinted. I receive child benefit £108 per month. We have a joint account with £100 in it. We have seperate current accounts. I do not have any idea of his spending. Thank you for your reply.

Thank you. This is really hard, appreciate the brutal but honest view that this isn't right.

I never understand how women put up with this. You have had his child, sacrificed your own career whilst he builds up his own money and savings for himself!
Since myself and my husband bought our house 25 years ago we share literally every penny we have. He earns 5 times my salary but it all goes in one pot and we never question each other on day to day spending. We only discuss on bigger purchases.

In your position I’d get a job and then find a divorce lawyer.

He's financialy abusing you. I your shoes I would demand joint finances or I would divorce him and take half of everything including his pension and the house

This is not ok. At all. And you know it. Is he very convincing? I cannot get my head around the response of the couples counsellor....a man I assume?

I’d be heading off back out to work and saying ‘you thought I was going to be your unpaid birth unit and nanny forever? Sorry, I’ve got a career to build! What?Cleaning, cooking? No time for any of that. Too busy with my Management Job and Property Portfolio.’

He can do all the stuff you are doing for himself, and see how much he values it when it’s his time it’s eating up.

You'd probably be better off divorced, being paid CM and claiming universal credit if you need it. He's not a good husband and father. Don't have more kids with him.

You are being financially abused.

I bet you arent even being told the truth about his income.

Just to check - are you actually legally married? I know sometimes people on here will refer to a 'husband' and it will turn out they arent actually married.

You absolutely need to divorce and move on from this man because he doesn't love you - men who love their wives and mothers of their children don't treat them this way.

You should have full sight of family finances, all accounts, and equal access to family money - and to be clear all money should be family money, he should not have income streams /pots of money he's keeping only for himself, that's not how marriage works.

First of all, you're being severely financially abused.

Secondly, you're not eligible for child benefit if his salary is £80-90K so check that first.

Also, his money isn’t adding up.
I got more take home pay than £2500 for a job that paid £46,000 (6% pension contribution).

So for his job he is lying about his earnings and that doesn’t even take into account how much he must be making on his properties.

It is not fair and it’s not grasping. You are not equal in your marriage. He is seeing you struggle while having lots of money to himself. That is awful and abusive.

Are you on the deeds of the home you live in?

Houses, if he has other properties in his name too surely?

My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties.

I think you need to find a different counsellor as your husband's approach would be financial abuse.

The abuse needs to end. Now.

As I understand it, she is eligible (and it sounds like it's essential) but Mr Skinflint needs to pay it back on his tax return. Have the rules changed?