Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

I have been in this situation with my sisters...now ex partner. He has £1,000's and £1,000's, she had next to nothing. They had 2 girls. Bottom line he loved his money and having control of his money more than he loved her and the kids. He was never happier than when she had to go cap in hand when her account went into the red. He's an ex for a reason. This is unsustainable. He might change but I very much doubt it and if he does he will resent it. Sorry.

Not RTFT but you shouldn’t be claiming if one of you earns above £50kish, which he will do from employed and self employed rental income.

My intention is to go back to work once child is settled in nursery. We are thinking he will start in September but I will obviously need to find a job and hours that work round nursery. We agreed that I could be off and take care of dc. Child will turn 3 end of this year.

Child benefit is now only withdrawn completely if one person is earning £80,000 and it’s reduced on a sliding scale from £60,000. So it makes sense to still claim (for most people) up to the £80,000.

Why do you need to be the one to find a job to fit around nursery hours? Your child is also your husband's responsibility.

No you go back to a job and he pays for any childcare arrangements and gets stuck in and picks up his kids too

Whose decision was it for you to be a SAHM until your child is nearly 3? Did you decide this together or was it your decision to stay off and use your savings? If the latter, I think you have got to take some responsibility here. Lots of people would love to be a SAHP and their household could theoretically afford it, but this has to be agreed upon. I am in this boat; my DH’s wage could easily cover me being a SAHM but he was very clear he would never want to financially support me in this way as he wouldn’t want to carry the full financial burden of the household. I do think it’s a joint decision for one parent to become a SAHP, you can’t just chose that your DH will provide for you.

However, it’s not right that you don’t have any visibility over the household bills and outgoings but I’m assuming this has always been the case, pre DC?

You really need to go back to work and make it clear to your DH that you will be working as many hours as you can to build your savings back up and he will need to spilt childcare and all bills proportionally with you. You need to insist on seeing how much is going out for bills every month, and agree a set amount to send to him or to both add to a joint account, including for food and petrol and bits for your DC.

PS, you can find your council tax rate online or contact your local council and ask.

Totally agree with this. The system is so wrong. Women get paid f*ck all whillst on maternity leave and even that is not near long enough. They have to go through the heartache of leaving a young baby or child into a creche while really they should be at home with their mama. Especially these days when men don't have the right mindset that THEY should be supporting the famiily. It's rewarding but hatd work taking care of children and raising a family. The woman should have no financial worries at all if she's the one minding and taking care of the children her sole focus should be this, not worrying if she has enough money to buy what they need. MEN NEED TO MAN UP

You both need to work around nursery opening hours, not just you...

Ffs this is abusive.

If it's just 'legally married' then if I were you I would definitely leave him . Do you have family you can stay with.. That will say it straight out to him that he's being a complete selfish arsehole. Nothing less than this will make him cop on, if this even will

He is absolutely LYING about his income .

See, this is your mistake. You need to find a job that allows you financial freedom. HE will need to do his share of dropping off/ picking up/ sick days etc. HE will also need to pay his share of nursery costs.
and bill him for looking after his child.

Claim CB either way as it builds up your NI contributions. (It will be recovered from your husband’s tax code if necessary.)

I concur with everyone else’s sentiments on this current financial arrangements needing to be revised.

@Ewg9 From an outsider’s perspective, or at least my perspective your relationship does not sound balanced at all. Think about this - this is not just your child it’s his child too - why have you been supporting yourself out of your savings? Why are you trying to find a job that fits nursery hours? None of that is fair. You are meant to be a partnership! I particularly didn’t like the way you said I don’t want to sound like a sponger whilst you are raising your child.

Sit him down tonight and give him two options:

1. ALL the money goes into a joint account and you can both access it as you want.
2. You go out job hunting, starting tomorrow, and he organises childcare.

I really don’t understand this - H and I ALWAYS have had a joint account and both salaries go into it. We don’t have separate accounts (although our married kids do and we don’t understand that either).
When we got married in the dark ages we just never thought there was another way. Sometimes I earned more, most times he earned more but we shared everything and discussed/agreed our spending.
Why wouldn’t you…. I just don’t get it. Spending your savings and H won’t SHARE his money?????

Thanks again, I think some have got confused on the finances. Husband's total was £80-90,000 for that particular tax year according to his accountant. That included his wage and rental property income.

I have an update and I have spoken with my husband. He advises I must ask for the money to be reimbursed, he doesn't want to send me an amount each week/month. He advised that 80-90k was a particularly good financial year, that's why it was so much. He hasn't meant to be secretive about the money, he has sheltered me because i had enough on... He has also advised me that in a years time he wishes to drop to 4 days of work and expects me to be back at work so that I am contributing and he can help out more at home and have time with our DC. He advised that he's giving me a years notice and didn't think I should have a say on him making this decision...He advised he wants to help with drop offs pick ups and I was wrong to assume I'd be managing that and sick days etc. I have made him go through the monthly and annual expenses with me. I worked out what it was just for the house last month, it was about £1,332. That didn't include car running costs, mobile contracts, or awareness of annual costs so the calculation isn't completely clear. Just turning it all over really but thanks again for the outside perspectives. I pointed out that I feel like he holds all the cards, and I feel in the dark financially and vulnerable. He didn't like that and called me negative and that I don't appreciate what he does financially for me and our dc.

That conversations sounds like a hostage negotiation. You should have a joint account where all the money is pooled. No one should be reimbursing anyone else because it's just family money.

How can you appreciate what you dont know? He's giving you notice.....its not a contract of employment...your meant to be a team. Just feels weird to me. I'm glad he's opened up about expenses but it doesn't feel like he was 'protecting' you. You're a grown up. You should know everything, then you can appreciate if its appropriate. Def officially request reimbursement!! Wow again whats that about? There's a lot more talking needs to happen here but well done OP for sticking up for yourself and making in roads.

I can't get my head round the fact that you are married yet don't have joint finances or at least mutually supportive financial arrangements.

What sort of relationship do you have? Married but only for sex and children and not so far as it affects money?

What the actual fuck?

The Dark ages comment made me chuckle. I assume that we are not the same age (as my kids are still small - well my eldest is 13) but this is completely normal in my view. We are either in this together or not at all! I just couldn’t have had a child with someone that treats it as “my money” as to “our money”. It’s such a vulnerable position to be in as you put your career on hold to raise the children. I find it bizarre. @Ewg9 OP your post keeps saying “he advised this and he advised that…” is English your first language? I’m only asking because I found it odd that it was written like that. I couldnt give two figs what my husband advised me… it’s either WE decide together or not at all.

Sounds like a business meeting not a relationship. So fine OP go get your job and then tell him to bill you for expenses and then you can tell him how mu h in debt you are ergo your lost savings so until thats replaced he cant ask for any of it. Unbelievable attitude from your husband. I would be plat the long game, get back to work make sure your financial independent and then leave him because I could not stay married to someone like that for the rest of my life.

Why dows he have to wait until you go bsck to work to omdo drop offs he can do it now if he wanted to. Why dows he need to drop down to 4 days a week to do that. Crikey.

@OP I’m glad you have managed to have a conversation with him… however, please be cautious and maybe see all the responses on here as well as your initial reaching out as a sign that something in your head/heart/subconscious knows this is not ok or right.
as others have said, it sounds like he’s holding you hostage, making promises he hasn’t so far even shown he’s willing to keep ie. Pick ups etc and then expecting you to just CONTINUE like this for another year so he can then nicely drop down to 4 days a week whilst I imagine you then basically run a job AND all the childcare and he enjoys his nice big fat salary with an extra day off a week.
please take care of yourself and see your reaching out as a sign that you know something isn’t quite right - you’ve been brave and made the first step but you don’t have to live like a slave for the rest of your life. Imagine if it was the other way round and man started telling us that their wives/partners make £90k/ year and ‘reimburse’ the FAMILY for food and toilet paper!!! Basically don’t shut yourself off now and get your ducks in a row and know there are people out there to help you xx

I mean why have a baby with a man who won’t share all his money? Why would anyone do this? Why did you agree not to go back to work. Either way sounds like financial abuse. I suggest going back to work full time and split the childcare costs between you.