Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

Yep, agree you are being financially abused. I was in a similar situation for a long time. All the money was his, I had to ask for money for specific things but could never save or buy something not necessary. He made sure we moved frequently for his job so that I would never build a career and that I was out of a job every few years. I was definitely considerably poorer than him.

I left him after 2 decades of this, largely thanks to mumsnet actually where people helped me open my eyes, and I have never been more financially comfortable than I am now, being single. He probably won't ever change his mindset so I think you need to just leave. It's soul destroying feeling like you don't have the same worth as your husband. At least not in his eyes. It's also a crap example to set for your children, believe me I know.

I don’t have children and earn 3x what DH earns. He has full access to all money and doesn’t have to run anything past me or ask for reimbursement. We generally won’t spend over £150 without discussing it first, and if we’re overspending within a month I let him know and we both rein it in a bit. We decided together on our savings goals and know if we want to spend more it means sacrificing that.

This is how a normal, healthy relationship works. I would not have accepted having no viability over finances. You need to sit down and work out a budget - what comes in the top, what has to come out of it etc etc, how much is left for you each to spend. It might be that it doesn’t change anything you need to go back to work to afford to live, but without seeing that it’s impossible to know if your set up is fair. I’m surprised your counsellor hasn’t advocated for a more transparent position.

Do you only have separate accounts and only personal money? It confuses me that a spouse is not finacially supporting the one that isn't working? When my husband didn't work i paid for everything and the same, when I didn't work he paid for everything. How are you supposed to pay for anything if you don't have any income? Tell him to pull his finger out and support his family like a man.

Get a job. Get a divorce lawyer. Find your anger. Then find some self respect.

You need a joint bank account. You’re not staff, you are enabling him to eat a wage whilst caring for his home and family.
the couple counsellor is wrong,

Def not a fair arrangement as he controls effectively all the income and you have to ask for money. A couples counsellor should not be advising this as fair. All money should be going into a joint account as you are staying home to look after his child rather than forking out on childcare. Where is the acknowledgment of this? Sod that he has all the chips and you are getting scraps. Go back to work and make him pay half the childcare and child’s expenses then get the he’ll out of there if he will not come to a fair arrangement. In this case u would say all money into a joint account and real pin money

“I don’t wish to sound a sponger”

Are you nuts?? If you actually think him contributing to his children is sponging, you are stupid as well as foolish. You’ve married a selfish man. Very selfish. So you need to realise that and at least take care of the kids. Because he’s selfish, you’ll need to work full time. Possibly split from him, remains to be seen. But begging for pennies is like something from a bygone era. The mind boggles how you think this could be remotely okay.

Wow 😮 this is awful.

As a bare minimum all income needs to be joint income and you both need to have equal and the same spending money - this is what dh and I do, I’ve been a stay at home parent for 16 years now. My dh earns a lot less than yours and we make it work so there’s no excuses. Your dh is a selfish arse.

This !!!! My god I can’t believe you are letting this happen! Divorce him, take him to the cleaners, he is financially abusing you and you seem to think it’s ok?!!

This is deranged! He’s loaded, and taking total advantage of you. Twenty properties is mad, you should be very comfortable not scrimping.

Why are all the childcare costs yours?

Fuck that! I'd be straight back to full time work and I'd bill him for the last year of childcare, cleaning and cooking you've provided.

Your counsellor is shocking - Are they genuinely recommending you submit an invoice to your DH at the end of each month to reimburse you for essentials?!?

You’ve made a mistake by letting him get away with it for this long, draw a line now. You need to create a budget that allows for all joint expenses, that includes everything DC needs. You should then have an allowance each for personal spends. If DH wants you to stay home that’s what he needs to cover each and every month.

errr… stop buying groceries (except for baby) but that’s just the tip of the iceberg

This is significant financial abuse. For comparison, I know exactly how much my husband earns. He earns around £20K more than me, but our contribution towards bills and savings is split so that we have the same amount of spending money per month.
When my maternity pay ended, he covered all the bills and we split the remaining spending money, I never had to touch my savings.

I would not put up with your situation.

You need to get out of the mindset that you don’t want to be a burden, you don’t want to sponge off him. It’s just as much yours as his. The only acceptable arrangement in marriage is that you both have access to all the money. All of it. 100%. Anything else is financial abuse and would be divorce for me.

There is a reason that the courts take into account all assets when making a financial order and it’s because the law agrees with what I’ve said.

This is financial abuse OP. You are allowed access to the joint money it is both of yours.

HE is sponging off you- not the other way around. Your labour in minding your child and paying for so much from your savings for your joint lives is enriching him. he is happy to have you stressed about money while he is earning good money - think about that and think is this what you deserve? Find your anger. I hope you are actually married legally and you aren't just using the 'dh' to mean life partner. Either way get out now before you get truly stuck.

Get a job. Get a divorce lawyer. Find your anger. Then find some self respect.

This. except I would say take your self respect back from the abusive, using twat who deliberately stole it from you.

Crazy, once all the bills are paid whatever is left at least half (or more) of that is yours.

He is stealing from you and being very manipulative.

To be kind but also clear: this is called financial abuse. This is one of the main reasons women divorce because their stories are the same as yours. I’m sorry; I could write loads but I know you already know what I’m saying in your heart of hearts is true which is why you’ve posted. I don’t think this is unfixable; get a proper counsellor who specialises in financial abuse and you may get through. But likely I think you will divorce. Either way you will need to find out what he is actually earning so that lies with you

You need to take steps to get back to work, so that you can support yourself after the divorce.

Do you have a clear idea of- and proof - of his earnings, pensions and other financial assets? Start digging and copying so that you have clear records, because he WILL try and hide them.

Check out…

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites
• Form E

And consult with a competent family solicitor with experience in dealing with self-employed men who may be hiding assets - someone who is used to working with a forensic accountant.

I’ve just realised that this is possibly not a marriage and maybe the OP is referring to a ‘husband’ but might not be in the legal sense? . And also that the counsellor is probably a man and not qualified? No counsellor who is qualified and regulated would advise a woman to stay in an abusive relationship

Check the nanny rates in your area and calculate the price you would pay for hiring one for the hours he's at work and you're home alone with your baby. Start charging him half of this amount for the childcare you provide at the cost of losing your own employment income because you look after the child which you both are responsible for.

Thankyou for all the replies. We are legally married and it is a female counsellor and I found her through the BACP which is an accredited register for counselling. I thought it was where to go to find a legitimate counsellor. I am thinking to look for another as I am not happy. I 100% know this situation isn't okay, that is one of the reasons we are in counselling. I really appreciate the responses acknowledging that my instincts are right and this arrangement isn't fair.

OP, what would happen if you said to your DH that you don’t think you (as a couple) can afford for you to stay at home with DC anymore?
I am assuming as he doesn’t even cover food, he isn’t paying into a pension for you? You need to know if he earns enough to prevent you claiming the childcare subsidies (“free” childcare but it isn’t really). If so you need to decide as a couple if it’s better for you to stay at home (with him paying all bills and into a pension for you) or go back to work and suck up the childcare costs from your joint income.

Or if he’s not up for that, or if there are other problems (I bet there are), start to work your mind round to separating.

Financial abuse is a form of coercive control. And where there’s one type of abuse there is always others, whether that’s emotional or verbal abuse or worse.

You should speak to women’s aid urgently. You would be better off away from this man who is deliberately keeping you in poverty. Don’t go to anymore counselling sessions with your abuser.