Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

No of course it isn’t fair. I know this doesn’t help but I told my husband before having children that having a child together is a joint commitment and I would not be shouldering the entire financial burden. Luckily he isn’t a jerk so we pooled our finances. I know not everyone is happy doing that but if you have no income but obviously do have expenditure I would be telling your husband either you return to work and he can pay the largest proportion of childcare costs given he earns much more or you come to a fair financial arrangement which doesn’t involve you going cap in hand. He is financially abusing you.

also sack the couples counsellor. He has obviously got to them.

Crikey I'm so glad I never married a man like this, from day one of being married dh covered everything, never asked or wanted him to and once kids came along and I gave up work he still continues 16 years on and several kids on..we have a joint account which he transfers all other than bills and we share as we see fit no questions asked

You don't find another counsellor. You find a lawyer.

It is abuse and he doesn't love you. You don't do this to people you love.

So basically he wants to keep all the money for himself and not support his wife and child. It sounds like he’s earning a high amount too and probably building up a nice savings pot meanwhile you’ve used up your savings and selling stuff on Vinted just to live.

I would have one more conversation with him asking for a joint account ideally and full transparency of what he’s earning or he needs to be transferring a decent amount to your account for spends for yourself and child. I would make the points in this thread that he is financially abusing you and you won’t put up with it anymore.

If he doesn’t agree then I couldn’t stay married to someone like that. I also think whether you stay with him or not you should look at getting a job and him obviously paying half the childcare costs.

How have you got to this stage and you don’t know his salary or how much the household bills are?
Owns 20 properties and his wife is penniless and his child gets nothing new?
Id divorce him, men like this don’t change.

Make a to-do list:

Find a solicitor. File for divorce. Get half of everything, including his pension. Get a job. Get yourself financially savvy so you don’t get in this situation again.

Of course it isn’t fair but you know that already. You’re married with a child and are a team. Money coming into the household is shared and should be able to be accessed by you both. You should have enough trust and respect for each other so that day to day spending on groceries etc is just spent without asking for permission or money to do so like you’re a child. Money spent on bigger purchases such as holidays is discussed and agreed.

You should also both have agreed on what you are putting away for the future and how this is invested. If you do not have an income currently and are not contributing to a pension, he should be contributing to a private pension in your name until you go back to work.

This sounds very much far removed from the situation you are in. Has he always been financially controlling? What was agreed about finances before you made the decision to give up work?

Personally I would be eager to get back into the workplace. Working part time can be a great balance when you have young kids.

If you were to separate from your husband tomorrow, what money would you have to put a roof over your head and pay the bills and feed yourself and your child? You’re in a very dangerous situation if you wouldn’t have means to do those things, and if so, you need to take serious action now.

This is financial abuse.

I would start looking for a job and making an exit plan

Fuck me.

Yet another example of counselors being crap.

This is financial abuse. He clearly has a huge amount of disposable income and is keeping this to himself whilst requiring you to spend all your savings.
Having a family, household and child is a joint expense. If you aren’t earning to look after a young child, his income supports you.

Humiliating you by making you ask for every penny you spend to be reimbursed ( no doubt whilst he checks if he thinks it’s reasonable spend or not) is shameful. To put this in context, I read a book written in the very early 1900s on marriage advice for husbands and wives and it said very clearly that men need to give their wives their own allowance, that they have earnt by their role of wife and mother: wives shouldn’t have to ask for money for every stamp they buy, it said. So this was recognized over a century ago.

I agree with pps. You need a job and a divorce. And expect the divorce to be nasty. This man will only ever be looking after his own interests.

Any man that won't pay towards feeding and clothing his child is a bastard.How are you going to feed your child once your savings are gone? What you need to do is gather every shred of evidence of his financial situation and the properties. Then you need to divorce him.

2500pcm isn’t an excellent salary but it’s terrifying that you barely seem to know all of the household income and outgoings let alone had an agreement on how maternity would work. This obviously should have been discussed before conceiving but you know that.
you need to sit down with him and and look at all income and outgoings with a fine tooth comb. Go through all bills and bank statements etc.
if he won’t allow that - it’s financial abuse and I’d be divorcing him.

Obviously with no income my money has been running out

This sentence is so sad, because this isn’t obvious and it’s tragic that you think that it is.

What is normal, is that people assume it’s obvious that the husband uses his income to support the wife who stays at home with the children.

My husband and I pool all money into one pot, and take equal amounts of personal fun money to put into our personal accounts, regardless of how much we each individually bring in. Honestly OP, I absolutely see and respect the value of being a SAHM, but you do make yourself incredibly vulnerable if you have no income and a spouse who is financially controlling in this way. There has to be total trust and equality in a relationship for one person to stay at home and for it to work fairly. In your position, I'd get back into wotk ASAP.

Separate money rarely works out. It doesn't matter who is the higher earner. But I would say the way he is treating you is financial abuse. Do you have to beg for sanitary products too? You aren't a sponger.

When you went to see the counsellor, was it explained to her exactly what each of you are paying for or does she think that him “paying the bills” includes food, clothes, petrol etc? As that’s the only way I can see that she’d say this is fair!
As a PP has said, if you’re paying for these other things how are you going to pay for them when your savings have run out? I’m sure he’s not going to not eat because he doesn’t want to spend the other money he’s earning, will he just buy food for himself and let you and your child starve to death? Will he go on holiday without the two of you because you have no means to pay?
A PP mentioned that you wouldn’t be entitled to some benefits because the government see you and your husband as a unit, which is more than he does!
Something in this situation has got to change as it’s not sustainable.
💐

He covers the bills.. um no he doesn’t if you pay for the families food, toiletries, kids clothes and petrol. Asking you to account for spending then reimburse you oh how generous that’s more like an employee filling out expenses claim. He obviously sees his money as his not a family. I don’t know how you have had couples counselling with her thinking it’s fair. look for part time employment if he won’t change.

Thanks again, so he does help me with petrol if he is with me on a weekend and sees we need it. He is meant to be doing the weekly shop but it is not consistent. We were all going together on a weekend but for the last 2 weeks we haven't. He has sent me the money that I have paid for the shopping but I am very uncomfortable with asking for it. I'm also uncomfortable/ feeling vulnerable with not having much money myself and being very much in the dark of what his funds are. When we have discussed it he advised that he is saving £250 each month for our dc in the future and for us and that this is mine too...the issue for me remains that I don't have access to that money. He had the nerve to advise me that when I do return to work he thinks that my income should go towards paying off the mortgage and I pointed out that I needed to build my savings back up after my financial hit but i would be willing to contribute to bills. He pays for things out, trips and meals etc if we are having them, but there is a lack of housekeeping/personal spends awareness.

After one of our counselling sessions i advised that I wanted a clearer picture of our household running costs. I had made a list to work it out together. He then reeled the costs off to me in the car. I think he said he wasnt being secretive about it but i felt it also dismissive. Neither of us have shared finances before, so I think that doesn't help. Thanks again for the replies. It is giving me the confidence that I must try address the imbalance again with him and then take it from there.

He is lying

£2500 net per month is about 35k ish

so where is the rest of the money 40-50k

you need to fixed budget for house kept and personal spending per month

having to ask is controlling

Would he have been bothered if you wanted to go back to work full time after you had your child?

Also OP I dont know how old you are and how long your gap from earning will be but please think about your own pension- as yet again you will be at a disadvantage at retirement if you are not paying into one

You need to get out and get a job. Seriously - build yourself now, as you are going to be divorced in the future. He is not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Get your ducks etc but get earning

It sounds like she has heard the situation in its entirety.

This . . .

Seriously, you need to get a job. Get ready. A marriage to him isn't sustainable with his attitude. And do not get pregnant again.

He earns 90K and joint owns 20 properties and you have to scrabble around buying clothes in charity shops?

He doesn't love you @Ewg9.