Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

No no no no

Get out now whislt your off and can get half of the assets.
otherwise he’ll drop his hours, open a Ltd company and live off tiny ‘dividends’ making him look poor for child maintenance.

how many of the rentals are in your name?

You married a cunt.

If your savings have run out, how are you supposed to pay for stuff upfront and then wait until he reimburses you?

Also, I don’t know if the “advises” bit are your words or his but I would be “advising” him (if he were my husband) that he can either give me access to funds the easy way (ie he gives you money himself) or the hard way (through the divorce courts)
💐

We share everything. We have a joint account and most bills food mortgage come from that. I was on maternity leave for 6-7 months with each of 2 children then went back part time. Continued to put a proportionate amount in joint account. This is a partnership. We discuss big purchases together.
so sorry you are being treated this way.

Oh my goodness ffs, what a tool. He wants to go to a 4 day week god love him . Seriously, read back what you have written there and let it sink in , I don't mean that in a bad way. If he loved you he would be give give give to you and your child. It's upsetting to read it and I really hope you see sense asap because it sounds like a miracle is needed to change is dispicable attitude/behaviour

I am so sorry to read this OP, but you are the mother of his child and if you don’t work he should really support you. Or you go back to work and you each pay a pro-rata amount towards childcare and a cleaner as well as other family costs.

If you were to decide to end the marriage, you’d be entitled to 50 percent of the marital assets (house, pensions, his share of the property portfolio acquired since marriage…)

Also…£2,500 a month from a management role seems very little - maybe £40-50K annually? You can Google salary calculator and tap in a few numbers to check. I don’t think he is telling the full truth here.

This child is his child too. He should be paying for what his child needs.

I agree with PP that this is financial abuse.

I have an update and I have spoken with my husband. He advises I must ask for the money to be reimbursed, he doesn't want to send me an amount each week/month.

How ridiculous that you have to ask to be reimbursed for family spending.. it puts the onus on you to ask for money over and over and over again!

Fuck that, tell him you want him to "float" £1000 in the joint account, which you will use for shopping and all these costs that he has to reimburse to you anyway, then every month he can check it and top it back up to the £1000.

That way you don't have to ask for the money, and he doesn't have to ask you what you've spent to be able to give it you back.

You're a family! All money should go in the same pot!

So so weird. It’s his child too?! He’s acting like you and the baby are a unit who are absolutely nothing to do with him. You might as well be some woman down the street considering how much financial involvement he has. Does he not understand how marriage and families work?

It can’t even be cultural because I can’t actually think of any culture that operates like this

It's not about what was agreed. You need a job to protect yourself. He's proved he can't be trusted financially. Sooner or later your marriage will end and you're going to have nothing.

You need to get a job to protect yourself financially.

I’m sorry but this is insane - this is so unfair - it should be 50% if he earns more, he should pay more - he is not ‘paying you’. You are the childcare - this is a job - start making a spreadsheet and get advice from women’s aid - he is financially controlling you

Wow he’s very controlling and in my opinion financially abusing you. He’s reasons for not telling you about the running costs of the house because “he’s protecting you” is straight out of the gaslighting handbook!

He is being financially abusive. Forget counseling, you deserve better. Find someone who truly loves and cares about you and not someone who only cares about what he wants and his bank balance.

OP read this back - he advises and he’s giving a year’s notice…

This is not a relationship. Get a job as soon as you can and get out.

He sounds like a nutter with his “advice” and years notice 🙄. You’re a family not a limited company. He is definitely not normal. How the hell did you get lumbered with him?

Wow. I wouldn't consider any of that an answer to this issue. Why on earth married couples don't get joint finances I will never understand. But beyond that question, he sounds like he's speaking in bad faith her and just trying to shut you down.

I think they should just have a joint account. Why on earth not in a marriage? But your idea is at least better than his!

@Ewg9 , He didn't like that and called me negative and that I don't appreciate what he does financially for me and our dc.

I don't think you do appreciate what he does financially for you and your dc - he's financialling abusing you.

10 Signs of Financial Abuse in Marriage

Financial abuse is a form of domestic or family violence where someone controls, exploits, or restricts another person’s access to money or financial resources.

What Financial Abuse Is
Financial abuse, also called economic abuse, occurs when someone uses money or assets to control, intimidate, or manipulate another person. This can include preventing access to bank accounts, forcing someone to take out loans, controlling spending, or misusing shared property or assets. It often happens alongside other forms of abuse, such as emotional, physical, or elder abuse, and can occur at any stage of a relationship, even after separation or divorce

If you keep personal accounts you also need a joint account that is paid into via a direct debit at an agreed amount. You should calculate how much it would cost to put your dc in nursery and he should also pay you a % of that as your personal money until you go back to work. Dropping to 4 days should be something you both talk about and agree on, not something he decides independently and you have to accept.
In all of these negotiations where do the fees for nursery come? Who does he expect to pay them? Because at the moment it looks like he regards all childcare expenses to be yours.
As others have said it is financial abuse. Do get advice.

@Ewg9 He is being financially abusive. Your last update says it all. He is benefitting from your free labour and keeping all the cash for himself. The money he is now 'saving for your future', expect it to become only his if you were to divorce him. Believe me. Ive been in your shoes.

Hi op I think when the woman goes on maternity leave she should not have to use her savings a baby is a joint cost just because the man works does not mean he shouldn’t contribute to your expenses. I think when you go back to work you contribute whatever but take back all your savings you used then you get a job that suits you and dh can worry about drop offs and pick ups. He has more flexibility than you. He’s quite controlling its his money, his choice of spending. I wouldn’t have a 2nd kid without money been discussed first. If something happened to him you wouldn’t have a clue where to start with bills and companies that he’s paying, if you divorce you will get half of everything and see his bank statements I’m not saying divorce but you need more transparency he’s treating you like a kept woman.

Is your name on the deeds to the main house and mortgage? I assume you are not renting as he owns so many rental properties.