Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

if your husband has no extra money to give you then you will need to go back to work. The issue perhaps is he doesn’t sound very transparent on finances
so it sounds like your doubting that he does not have any spare income.

Could you get a part time evening job to fund your personal expenses?

In your job as a sahm you can't earn so of course he should support you and HiS child!

Tell him you're going back to work and for the first month without wages he will need to pay for childcare.

He's not even acting like the time of Dad works, Mum stays at home, because he's not even giving you an allowance.

Rather than putting all his worth into the future, the time is now to put some of it to support his family.

He’s done a good job of deflecting hasn’t he 🫤

Abusers handbook Deny, deflect, attack and reverse victim….

Have you asked him for all your savings back?

I'm so sad that this is happening to you. It's just unbelievable.

I won't harp on about my situation, but I suffered physical and mental abuse for many years. It was never financial abuse, on the contrary he earned the money and I developed a wonderful habit of spending it, which increased in relation to his abuse. Anyway, this is the process that I took.

• one day, my eldest child (9) said something to me which made me realise that I had to get my children out of a hideous situation.
• I then spent a year on a path of building my strength, speaking to lawyers, and investigating all possibilities. No stone unturned.
• And when I was ready, I told him.
• Then I took him to the fucking cleaners.

And it was the best thing I have ever done for myself and my children. The sun came out. It was wonderful.

So, I'm telling you this OP because I think that if you did wish to go down the path of leaving him, my advice would be the above.

Ducks and rows.

Oh, and these 20 properties, forgive me but I'm actually surprised at the 80-90k?

Dont mean to be rude op, but this is why I have always said to my daughters to NEVER have just a joint account and no income of your own. A woman should always have her own money. Although £2500 a month isnt much to live on really for a family of 3. My advice to you is to get a part time job, at least you have some money of your own coming in.

I have been contributing by caring for our child full time for the last 2 years and 8 months thanks...but yes, I always knew I would need to get back to work. Did not realise I would have to go begging for reimbursement for milk, toilet roll, soap, kids shoes and clothes etc.

I strongly suggest you look up the charity called Surviving Economic Abuse. Your husband is financially controlling you and it is terrible.

Nor should you have to do that, OP. You misjudged the situation. You had a baby with a guy you thought was supportive and loving. Turns out that's not who he is. Many men resent their own children and they feel almost betrayed by their partners when the attention they consider theirs by right is all taken up by the small person. You need more counselling. Ask your GP to arrange 6 sessions for you by phone or online. Stay strong.

Of course you shouldn't have to go begging op. Absolutely shameful on him. He should make sure you have more then enough.

You aren’t NOT a sponger x

Do not buy anything - tell him you are going shopping together and he can pay for it!
as a side line and it’s probably none of my business or anyone else’s but from experience things to not get better . You need to have a plan b. Talk to family friends they will all want to help and if you feel embarrassed do not ( I know how that feels) he is the one who has caused this and behaved this way. Keep posting here on mumsnet for support as I have and do find it a great source of reality and support x
ps. There’s always a few to give you their thoughts and values 😂 we need to stick together xx

This
But before anything i would secretly get as much information as you can about his earnings/ properties / savings/ pension / household bills and make copy's and save pics on your phone, hide all info you get maybe away from the home as he will lie about things if you were to seperate/ divorce to avoid splitting anything with you also try to pay bare minimum for his child.

“He hasn't meant to be secretive about the money, he has sheltered me because I had enough on...”

Why do women need to be sheltered from knowledge about the particulars of household & family money?

I manage pretty much everything to do with money in our household, I have a lot of other stuff going on, but I can’t fathom not knowing even generally how much we spend as a family on various things, how much is coming in/going out, as well as having a firm opinion on what is a fair amount of personal spending money in this type of scenario and holding my ground in terms of getting it.

When DH had a career break last year, he made a budget and I transferred that to him every month to do with what he needed and joint expenses came from the joint account, I didn’t make him submit expense claims for everything.