Feeling very foolish, is our financial arrangement fair?

[Rubberduck76]

I have got myself in a sticky position, basically, I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted. Obviously with no income my money has been running out, when I've discussed with husband about my money difficulties, he says he doesn't have extra to give me, he covers the bills. On tracking my spending I buy petrol (I don't use the car a great deal, but it is the family vehicle so is used most weekends), food shopping, toiletries, clothes mostly from the charity shop or vinted (never new) for child, and shoes for dc.

I appreciate people will be quick to point out how foolish I have been and I already know but I would appreciate an outsiders take on the situation.
My husband works full time in a management level role and has money from a properties he has with a close relative. They own and rent out approx 20 properties. I am at home with our young child, I look after the house, domestic stuff and childcare obviously. Husband mentioned awhile ago that on meeting with his accountant he had had a good year and had earned £80-90,000. I can't remember the precise amount, but I was shocked as it seemed alot compared to what I had earned when I was working full time. I asked him about his earnings, and he said he earns £2,500 per month from his management role and tops up from his property income for the extras we need. He doesn't want to take too much as he wants to build up the money from the rentals. I know that our mortgage is about £700 per month and our utilities are about £250 per month. I'm not sure of council tax but we live in a 2 bed terrace.

I don't wish to sound a sponger, and I understand he can't give me money he doesn't have so I don't bring it up anymore. He advised me that I need to tell him what I'm buying, and he will reimburse me rather than trying to figure out housekeeping/personal spending money. On raising this as an issue with our couple’s counsellor they advised this arrangement was fair in their opinion. Do people think this is fair, does this add up to other people? I don't like the power imbalance in having no money (I know, I should have gone back to work or not had a child I couldn't afford) I don't like the feeling of going cap in hand asking for money but do I need to get over myself. Please be kind, I feel in a right mess.

When you originally discussed what the arrangement would be re childcare after your maternity leave ended, did he want you to stay home or did he need persuading? I ask this because I wonder if he’s “punishing” you for not going back to work.
Is he aware you have no money coming in?
I do think you need to change your mindset though as you say “he helped” you pay for petrol.
I think to make a point, I would be putting food down for myself and DC and saying to him, sorry but I couldn’t afford food for you because I need to save that for x, or sorry you can’t use the car because I need the petrol for something else, I can’t afford both, that’s essentially what he is saying to you about the money he gets from the properties he owns.

Couples counselling is not advised for people in an abusive relationship and you are being financially abused. You need your own counsellor and to contact Women's Aid.

If you can look for work. I know that's so much harder than that, but try to find a way back into the work place, even part time or as a consultant in your previous work. It will help protect you so much going forwards. Divorce does bring some costs and you already have your back against the wall financially. In the long run, you will be much better off. In the immediate, you need some access to funds. Talk to family if they are supportive. They may be able to loan some money pending the settlements.

You say you feel uncomfortable asking for money - he has made you feel this way, hasn't he? Does he roll his eyes, huff or puff or sigh when you ask? Does he drag his feet about transferring money? When he actually pays for petrol or shopping does he make a big song and dance about how helpful/wonderful he's being? Does he talk about money as if he's "giving" something to you or "helping" you out, as if he shouldn't bloody well be paying his way for his own children in the first place?

The fact that you are even here, asking whether this is a fair arrangement shows how well he is managing to gaslight you into thinking that you're in the wrong.

I have no idea why people marry if they are not planning to work as a team.

I was a SAHM for 5 years before returning to my career, but there was none of this faffing about with who pays what. We just had joint bank accounts and everything was shared. No problem.

Your set up is totally unfair and I am not surprised you have felt the need for couples counselling - although the advice from him/her makes no sense.

We took the view that we were both contributing to the family in different ways at different times in our marriage - indeed for the first few years I kept him while he finished his medical degree. By having joint accounts we did not have to quantify each person's contribution either in terms of effort or money - there was nothing to discuss. We just shared everything.

@Ponderingwindow please don't tar churches with this accusation. I go to what many would consider a 'conservative' church. We would value everyone but also see family as being important, bringing up children is a privilege and a shared responsibility. We had a joint account from day one, husband is highest earner and I did have a decent length maternity time off but I didn't have to use my savings as everything is joint. This is financial abuse, possibly other things too. I hope the OP can reach out for help.

As others have said, if he earns £80-90k, then he is bringing in more than £2500 a month. And that’s before the rental Income on 20 properties- these are no doubt mortgaged and he runs this business with someone else, but he will still be getting a share of a healthy profit, because what would be the point of doing it otherwise?! And still you are paying for petrol, food and clothing yourself and your child from no income whatsoever. He wants to reimburse you for any personal spending? So if you need tampons and fancy a book to read, you need to tell him and he will transfer the money? I'm sorry, but this outrageous and you really should not be tolerating it.

What the fuck?! You are being financially abused and need help. Can you contact Women’s Aid?

I have used my savings to support myself since Mat pay stopped. It was agreed with husband I would stay at home and care for our dc a toddler now and this was what I wanted.

I don't wish to sound a sponger

Why do you think, in this situation, that having your husband pay the costs of raising his child (costs which include your lost income) makes you sound like a sponger?

And what the hell is wrong with your husband that he thinks the situation is OK?

If he can afford to pay the costs incurred by his child, and other relevant household expenses, he needs to step up and do this - and not by you giving him receipts and begging for money, but by proper access to funds. It sounds like he can do this easily, just doesn't want to. But why does he not want to support his wife and child?

If he can't afford it, you need to get a job and then you both share the expenses arising from childcare. Just send him some figures from local nurseries, it will be eyewatering and might wake him up.

I am a sahm and bring in very little. My husband ensures I have access to all accounts, I don’t need to ask for anything. There is no hidden money. You are being financially abused.

OP, this is shocking. When I was very young, I was married to a guy who hated me. My parents forced him to marry me so he had good reason. When he got paid, he put his wages in the beside drawer and told me to use whatever I needed for the house etc. He hated me but still understood at 20 years of age that there is an appropriate way of doing things when one is married with a child. Please, OP, start working on a way out of this horrible situation. Be brave. Also remember that love is a verb and words are cheap.

Jeez, again another of these threads...
I was born in Eastern Europe, both parents always worked full-time, but whenever my dad got his wages, he gave it all to my mum and said, 'you know better what to do with this'.
I swear only after coming to the UK I've heard of women here who have to save for their own maternity leave or maintain herself and a child from her own savings while married. How is this normal? Isn't that the 'equality' taken to the extreme? Isn't it obvious to everyone that women, who are having a child at the moment and caring for a baby, are never equal financially due to, well, biology?
Eastern Europe has solved it largely by granting 100% paid maternity leave for 1 year + a monthly salary to a granny/childminder for up to 2 years after that, so that mom can go back to work. Meanwhile British women seem to keep being used and abused...

This. I am sorry, but I have had to be a SAHM for the full 21 years of raising our kids - no local family, DH travels a lot with work and does long hours, and both kids ended up with AuDHD so there were years I couldn’t even hope to have a part-time job due to home schooling and therapy sessions.

Everything he earns, everything he buys with it, belongs to us. I don’t even have to justify/prove what I need money for, I just say ‘ I need x to pay such n such’ and it is transferred. On top of a base monthly allowance that I have ALWAYS received, I can tell him if it’s not going far enough and he increases it without question.

Obviously there have been times when money has been tight - after a new boiler, or the final balloon payment of the car is due and he will give me a heads up that we need to reign in spending for a bit and stick to essentials - but I cannot imagine the mentality of a man treating me like yours is @Ewg9

As other will already have said - it’s financial abuse. Get your child booked into nursery asap, get your free hours, and get back to work.

And absolutely start - in MN parlance - getting those ducks in a row. This does not bode well for your future together. You deserve better and your child deserves a mother who is independent and free.

He’s being financially abusive. Which means he’s a toxic person.

Why can’t you get a job now?

Shocking! What an ar*ehole. My goodness, he should make sure you have more than enough. My dad let my mum have control of the money. He worked very hard to provide for a big family. He would ask mum for a few euro every now & then and of course she gave it to him . But that's the way he wanted it. He saw how hard she worked in the home and didnt want to leave her short for getting things for herself and her children.she wasnt wasteful. We did have hand me downs etc. How things have changed. It's shite. Men are supposed to be the leader, protector & provider of the family. Praying that he will see sense

You have married a financially abusive arsehole.

You are a family, a unit. You should be approaching finances as a unit.

It's a household income and a household budget.

How was the decision made for you to stay home? How did you know you could afford it? Where's the budget? The list of outgoings and income?

You need to sit down together, make a list of outgoings - including those you've been covering, and then look at the monthly income. Allocate money to each area AND savings, AND have individual spends as well.

If your DH isn't willing to do that, then I'm sorry, but that's financial abuse and you need to leave him.

OP, this is financial abuse in my mind. Are you married? My DH and I were not married when we had a child but we put our money together as soon as I was pregnant and the money has been ours ever since. We are married now. Either you are in it together or you are not. This would not work for me. How can you make plans when you don't know what money you jointly have? It sounds like you have a child and he is letting you live in his house and paying the bills but that is the extent of his support. Is your relationship fair in other respects or is this just the tip of the iceberg?

He is taking huge advantage.

A monthly wage from £85,000 a year is £7000. Perhaps £5500 a month after tax and NI. Then he tops that up with his property earnings. He does have money to support his family but he’s choosing not to.

Does he not support his own child?
He can do half the childcare to allow you to get a job.

Id say the most important thing to do is divorce and force him to support the child you didn’t make all by yourself.

Best of luck OP 💐💜

It's okay to not have your own earned funds if he values your contribution to the family unit. This is usually done by money being jointly held and you having equal access. As a minimum he needs to agree to an appropriate sum you can spend on yourself, should you want to. You are not a slave. What he is doing is likely a form of financial abuse. If he cannot see this then you should find a job and consider whether you want to stay living under the same roof.

He said to Bill you expenses then bill him for childcare then. Also if he is out of the house I would 100% be looking though all bills and paperwork to suss things out including payslips if they arent all digital.

This is crazy. Glad you are realising and starting to ask the questions. You said he is putting money aside for kids so ask to see the bank balance and what the current total is..lets see how transparent he will be

It is massive red flag for a man to assume the woman will take the entire financial hit of maternity leave for a joint child while he remains unaffected.

I saw women in this position and the next step seems to be that if they get a job, they must pay all the childcare as it's them choosing to get a job when he doesn't think it's necessary. It's a trap and all about control.

Look at the difference in your financial position from having a child with him. Look at the difference in his. The absolute minimum you should do is split that difference, so you are the same amount of "out of pocket," but I think it might be best to really think about leaving. It isn't just financial, it's also your freedom - you can't do things on a whim, even buying a cute baby outfit, it's a joyless way to live while he's off hiding money from you are having a great time.

Your husband is a disgusting pig. This is not a true marriage or partnership. You are being treated like a breeding mare - worse than that even. I would not stay married to a selfish pig like that.

Girl, you are not a sponger. Your husband is meant to take care of you and his child. I’m absolutely disgusted. Sorry to say but he doesn’t like you none. Get a plan in order and get rid.

My 3 sons would never have treated their wives this way. You are being financially abused

Maybe I missed it in OPs original post, but how do you pay for groceries, cleaning stuff, activities for your child and petrol etc etc with no access to money?