House Hold Income 85K a month net

[cripplinglyalone]

My house hold income is 85k a month net. I am money rich but support /family poor. AMA.

I mean this in the kindest way, but maybe google or youtube could explain how us tech execs are paid. Our stocks vest, on schedule, we usually sell them upon vesting as the general consensus is you don't put all you eggs in one basket. Look up big tech salaries on glassdoor or levels fyi and you will see tech salaries are displayed as salary/ RSU'S/ Bonus which makes up TC - Total compensation. My TC gives me an income of 85k PCM Net. Now that income DOES NOT come with a finance degree and please please trust me, there are way way way way more than a handful of us on this TC. Look at house prices in silicon valley, they are my colleagues, my equals- not my seniors.

Your response seems more comfortable to doubt me and that's up to you, but tech salaries definitely arent your financial strength ihere, ts very very obvious in your reply. It might benefit you to do some reading up about how tech pay works, just so that you can complement your existing financial knowledge maybe.
Glassdorr, Levels FYI, Blind all rammed with these types of pay. The one rarer thing about me is I am fully remote which is getting rarer. My pay is top end but not unicorn in my field.

I commented last night but have come back to see your more recent posts. Two further thoughts that might help.

This is a great blog - not saying that you are neuro diverse but there is a lot here on feeling that you don't fit in/can't find your tribe https://helenjeffries.wordpress.com/home/a-letter-from-the-autistic-colleague-you-didnt-know-you-had/

Secondly, giving financially is great but I do find that volunteering on the coalface is fulfilling. As you have a working day geared to the US might you be able to volunteer at your local Trussell Trust foodbank one morning a week/fortnight? I find it helpful to hammer home how lucky I am and being there means I find out quite quickly what is needed urgently and can discreetly provide it. Also the other volunteers are all lovely and we share similar values so I feel I "belong" in a way I don't elsewhere.

I welcome this kind and tactile input. It is hard to raise a sensitive subject to an internet stranger.

A lot of people have asked about my husband and I kind of avoided opening the can of worms as might take all week- however, he codes and is ND, part of our struggles have been him shutting down and being emotionally unavailable. It's been a decade of him getting his diagnosis and trying to medicate that I guess considering myself in the same category just hasn't been a thing. Food for thought.....
Off to do some online questionaires😂, thank you

Thank you very much for both lovely helpful suggestions. I hope I didn't miss your post last night. This blew up waaaay more I expected and I don't want to seem rude missing questions.
Have just answered PP about ND possibility and will look into it thank you.
I will seriously consider food bank- I've let myself worry as health stuff means I can be limited in mobility and would rather not make plans than let someone down... but this has kinda not had the healthiest results as we see!

I’m glad my reply was helpful. Was based in a mix of similar experience of raising children and DH seeming more focused on work than us (DH and I talked and eventually came out the other side) but also in having trained in (but not practiced in) therapy/life coaching.

The advice from @SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato is brilliant and reminds me a little of the wheel of life coaching/therapy tool that you can google and download. A life coaching/therapist would talk you through each spoke of that wheel - marriage, career etc - and help you prioritise which areas you need to work on, formulate actions you can take to remedy them. The wheel is about balance - if you can fill up career and children but are empty everywhere else, you need to consider adjustments. This doesn’t mean filling up all the other spokes to the same degree, as that would lead to burn out, but it may involve dialling down some of the mum/career stuff to allow you space to address those areas along side them.

I also was pondering your comment that you may be perimenopausal. Have you considered booking a review at a Women’s Health Clinic and exploring bHRT (you can start this in peri) but also having a full MOT, so to speak? When I started they established I was low on Vit D, B12, iron/ferritin each of which alone can add to a sense of ennui, tiredness, feeling flat - ie make you feel something akin to being a bit depressed. When we have kids we tend to focus on their health, monitoring them like hawks, but not stopping to also ask ‘Am I okay?’ It’s a cliche, but you can only be the best mum, and the best professional etc if you are in optimum health. It’s the old aircraft safety message - you must put on your own mask before attending to fellow passengers.

Hope some of the replies here continue to help and support.
Best wishes.

ETA - am an ND mum of ND kids, too, and can really recommend being assessed as it helps you understand your responses to others, both social and emotional. It’s a bit like being given a reading glasses prescription after years of squinting and realising this what normal people experience! LOL

Ah I have find another one of me in the wild. Hello! I am glad you found success despite a horrid dad. Well done.

Thank you for backing up that this salary is kindof normal in this field, especially given timings of RSU grants or tenure. I tried to explain it but it's another language.

Your post made me laugh and no, not really happy at the FAANG level, its cutthroat and cold with no security. I will line my pockets then go join a bunch of codgers in a shed working on some outhere start up.

Your username is maybe reminding me it's lunchtime. Take care.

I am curious and I have a question. It's too late for me but I hope that my kids will one day earn well and have good lives. You said that you are coming from poor family and your childhood was horrible, etc. How did it occur to you to study computer science? Did you have a computer at home while growing up? Who inspired/encouraged you? And I guess you were one of very few female students? How does it feel to be a woman in this industry, and also in a senior role?

BTW, reading about unwashed guys in sweaty shirts, I kinda had a similar experience - when I used to work in a related field for a couple of years - many colleagues with long, unwashed, greasy hair wearing the same hoodies/pants the whole week... yuck!

I am sooo sorry about all my typos. I can write I promise. You are all typing out flawless replies, I am over here and can't type 'because'.

Now this will sound like a lie, but I swear my keyboard is sticking or something... back away from the desk snacks, lady.

I'm married to one of those!

Two ND in the same house is .... interesting.

I'm not doubting you at all now you've explained you sell the shares, that's the bit you had missed out and things didn't make sense without it. .

My DH now recognises he is ND but undiagnosed - but is married to an ND and with 2 ND kids. We all occupy our own little section of the spectrum, it seems. My DD started uni this year and came home recently (with an ND class mate) and said - ‘I had no idea how different NT people are as we’re an entirely ND family and, well, I think NTs are a little bit mad, aren’t they?’ 🤣

Thank you again for another gem of a reply. Genuinely.

There is a lot to consider here and it all makes sense. Saving your post for insomnia-induced investigative purposes later.

I am mid forties, I have not explored peri, but certainly have some signs.

I am really glad to hear you came out the other end with your DH stuff.

You sound like a Mum the kids are very lucky to have in their team.

Well yes explaining my ridiculous income isn't my strong point. I should have done some 'not financially savvy' disclaimer with my title.

I do believe I have the basics right and my money safe... and my tax paid correctly as that can be the absolute worst- an unexpected bill from HMRC. I will explore a better financial advisor in future, but do feel there is not rush as long as I have the basics down.

@cripplinglyalone I have worked in tech, but as project manager, I'm not technical myself. I could easily earn more than I do, I stayed somewhere for a while because I was happy working there rather than chasing salary increases but my priorities have now changed. Im going to move back into tech and need to brush up my industry knowledge.
Can you recommend some big tech companies where they renumerate so well? And specific industry areas?

My grandad was a 70's version of a software developer. He was my inspiration. No one really encouraged me, I got some college help with a levels to get to uni as was seen as promising but poor type kid.
The computer in my room was kind of my escape.

Haha at a recentish Dev conference, my lovely, sparkly HR colleague said, 'you know the main reason we give out so many free tshirts is to keep the smell down'
It sounds cruel and generalising but it is SO TRUE. I think coding= bit of a showering block. THANKFULLY I do not fall in this category as can't really function without a good hot shower.

If you just want the big bucks, go for FAANG. But be prepared for rejection, rejection, rejection and keep going.

Network, maintain connections, always exit current roles with grace, as you never know when your paths will cross again, so even if your boss is a douche, don't tell him that as you leave.as that could be your foot in the door when he turns out to be the hiring manaher at Apple 4 years later.

Things have got worse for project managers and non tech- like really really bad, so if you try for this route take nothing for granted. See it as a short sharp burst of wealth accumulation.

I am not very good at analysing others' roles but I think my field doesn't pay so well for non tech at all. I am seeing more and more tech staff encompass the non tech stuff- I have my own feelings on this as think people skills are critical but rare in this area. However, at the moment a LOT has to be said for getting one of the big players on your CV. Like I only half know what i am talking about here, only from my perspective sorry!

And you don't need me to tell you, the future is AI. Everything AI. Adapt accordingly! Good luck.

I’ve really enjoyed your posts, and your grace and openness, @cripplinglyalone. Thank you for sharing. My ex husband was (remains) a high earner in one of the professions, and global tech is just another level altogether.

One thing I notice about a friend of mine who’s a high earner in a global pharma role is that the higher you go, the less you need to spend on things. She travels a lot and the company pays business class. She gets very subsidised meals at work, and has an expense account for taxis, entertainment, clothing. Lots of perks including share options.

We go away on weekends a couple of times a year, and essentially her trip is ‘free’ because of air miles. Similarly, family holidays are often covered by hotel points, flight upgrades for the family, car hire, lounge access - so she doesn’t even have to buy a coffee at the airport. My envy lies there! I know you said you work remotely so perhaps you don’t get the same level of benefits, but her life is enhanced by so much more than just the pay slip. She loves the global life, and her husband has a very stable working life, and easily manages the household while she’s travelling (he also gets meals at work - their grocery bill must be tiny.) She buys lovely clothes, but I often think she must just bank her money and doesn’t really have to think of those saving pots for holidays like the rest of us.

Hope you don't mind me asking OP but I'm very curious - what do you spend 19k on per month with a modest 4 bed house, kids not in private school, a few hours of cleaner etc.?

Sorry you're feeling down - glad you've got some useful advice on this thread.

Thank you, it can tricky navigating high paid corporate world when you're the first in your family to attempt it - always feels there's so much unsaid knowledge I don't know!

What country are you from?

Thank you for reply!

i imagine AI feels very scary, it feels to be coming up on us all very fast all of a sudden doesn’t it.

unfortunately, whilst exploring private healthcare had been an option previously, I’m now just about making ends meet each month. Heartbreaking for me on a personal level, but I try to keep thinking about what I can do next to save us/my business. Unfortunately I provide a niche luxury service which whilst I’m exceptional at- and have had a strong business for the last decade, the sands have shifted.

anyways, this really isn’t about me! I don’t have family and have no guidance, so feel I missed the chance to invest while I could- I hope I can begin when I start to earn better again future.

with AI, it’s hard to know where to retrain or pivot to.

I’ve been thinking of this thread alot, and how I hope you find a genuine content ness and happiness with time x

Two more from me? I know I did one, but can't see my post history and barely use MN. I would not put it past myself if I have moaned twice before TBH. Hilarious if it is me and I do this every December haha.
See you this time next year peeps.

The OP has a lot of money, children and a husband, albeit one who is emotionally distant. There are elderly people living in my area who are totally alone and destitute. Life can be harsh but it isn’t for you, op. Perhaps you should volunteer every now and then and help people who have nothing. I think you might find it rewarding and it might then change your mind about what happiness money can buy.

@cripplinglyalone try not to let them get to you. 💐I think for some the idea of someone having that much money makes them bitter and angry.

It is hard when you see the freedom of choice that money brings, but past a certain level, once the stress of affording bills is a thing of the past, it does not keep increasing happiness.

It must bring you great comfort and joy to know that you can help out your dc in the future.

I think it's amazing that you give to charities close to your heart, and I wish you all the best with your life, and I sincerely hope that your health improves, as I know how draining that is.

Feeding this back gently, why do you assume that you’re the only person with a big salary who is down to earth, has a dry sense and is trustworthy?!

I’d say that description applies to me and most of the people I know in the same boat. It’s kind of weird to me that you’re writing off swathes of people on an assumption