Page 11 | House Hold Income 85K a month net

cripplinglyalone · 2025-12-01T17:53:04+00:00

My house hold income is 85k a month net. I am money rich but support /family poor. AMA.

TheSnowiestQueen · 02/12/2025 10:26

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cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:26

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I am really sorry but yes, yes we absolutely do get payslips. People on 250k or 2 million like me, we get payslips!! WTF!

OP posts:

TheSnowiestQueen · 02/12/2025 10:28

Look at the reply to your post by @lifeisgoodrightnow · Today 10:09

I'm not the only poster questioning the thread. Many, many posters have questioned what you say.

Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:31

tensmum1964 · 02/12/2025 10:04

I agree, it does. Maybe OP you would still have had this life of feeling lonely and unfulfilled but without money and choices. Life is just shit like that sadly. Im fortunate to not feel lonely. I have wonderful kids and some siblings who I love to bits and a couple of close friends so I do consider myself rich in that sense. I wouldn't give that up for money, but God I would have loved not to have struggled financially. Being poor is absolutely shit and has caused me many problems over the years. I cant help thinking that you feeling this way is more than just feeling disenfranchised. You are in an amazing position so maybe you just haven't found the thing that makes you tick yet or fills up your cup so to speak. Instead of donating money, why not role your sleeves up and actually go and work in an area with disadvantaged groups. I can honestly attest to how rewarding and humbling that is.

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Thanks for the head shake, I need it. I came to post that I should be so much happier as 'rich' but life is complicated and yes, my sadness would be the same or worse with poverty thrown in.
Thank you.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:33

DancingNotDrowning · 02/12/2025 03:07

Loneliness tends to be exacerbated by money not alleviated if you don’t find “your” crowd.

it sounds like you’re looking for friends and connections so I’m curious why you’re not mixing with more people in similar situations to you.

I’m also in tech, make a bit more than you, 2 DC still in private school - 2 DC gone through the system - and (and this will really put the cat amongst the MN pigeons!) know loads of people earning/working similarly, between various work/school/gym/clubs/groups etc

Are you not meeting people or not gelling with people?

I dont know anyone in the same situation. My colleagues are mainly US based and I dont want to rub shouders with the local elite. I like down to earth, dry sense of humour, trustworthy folk and it's a me problem, here, I have isolated myself for sure.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:35

Lastfroginthebox · 02/12/2025 03:18

What on earth do you do with all that money? When you hear about so many people struggling to make ends meet, do you feel guilty? Do you even look at the price of anything before you buy it? Would you be able to manage if you had to last a year on 85k?

85K P/A was probably the turnig point where I began to feel less money worries. Now its silly amounts, I am making it up as I go. See my post about stock appreciation to know it wont last forever so I guess I am just riding the wave for now.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:36

Potaytoecake · 02/12/2025 08:20

I have a friend who was in a remarkably similar situation to you, different business area - but equally short lived. They retired before 50 with crazy savings, but next to no friendships that didn’t depend on money or her job and divorced.

Now, they work in the charitable sector supporting a very specific area in several places (sorry, deliberately vague). Life seems to be much more fulfilling, but they have a good safety net. They tried not working and hated it, so chose to give back the knowledge they’d gained in previous business; some positions are nominally paid and others are voluntary.

Friend is much happier, refuses to mention finances to new friends and lives in a ‘regular’ house in a normal area. They have a close family after remarrying.

what would you like to do when you retire @cripplinglyalone ?

Can relate to this so much. Thank you.

The answer was ALWAYS travel, travel, travel... but world got smaller now I would be grateful for good health and set routines.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:39

TheSnowiestQueen · 02/12/2025 10:28

Look at the reply to your post by @lifeisgoodrightnow · Today 10:09

I'm not the only poster questioning the thread. Many, many posters have questioned what you say.

Edited

I am very sorry my words have upset you so. If you would like to lay out clear examples of how I am lying, I will help you out with clear responses to each doubt. . Your comment about people who earn high not getting payslips- can any corporate employed high earners on here please come and tell me I am wrong? (UK/ USA is all I know to be fair) I have never ever not had a payslip. I have earned over 100k for at least ten years,

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:40

RainbowBagels · 02/12/2025 08:50

The problem is that you could have the same emotional problems and loneliness without the money and it would be a lot worse. You say you have a nanny so dont you have a partner and children?

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I have a nanny and husband and kids. My work is USA hours mainly so I need help at latter part of the day.

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Justthetonicandgin · 02/12/2025 10:41

What do you think they get? If you’re a banker on £2m, you get a payslip.

Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:44

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 02/12/2025 08:43

l am often surprised by the Mumsnet Crowd who love to boast about their earnings and Conspicuous Conunption.

Bur this just sounds like an idiot piss take to me.

Grow up

I think if I was lying as much as you think I am, as well as sharing that my mood is low, the I would clearly be someone in quite a deluded mental health crisis right?

I think you could find a kinder response to someone so clearly mentally unwell. Why would you need to be so vicious if I am here having a prolonged delusion about my bank balance?

I believe so so much in karma, I am not saying thats why I am rich, but I will say that shooting out desperate little hits of venom on the internet, won't make you happier.
Try being kind.

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CautiousLurker2 · 02/12/2025 10:47

Money aside, I think parenting is actually quite isolating. Whether working or not, you are forced into an artificially created bubble and made to interact with people who you have nothing in common with aside from children born in the same school year and in the same postcodes/parental income bracket. Any chance to be yourself, to pursue things that enhance personal development or friendships are shelved for a significant period because you have to prioritise the children, even if you have help in the form of a nanny. It isn’t healthy for your children to only live through them or for your time with them to be underscored by the guilt you feel over working long hours or laced with disappointment in your marriage.

As it does also sound as though your husband is emotionally unavailable? This may be a separate but also significant issue - could you seek relationship counselling, or is it time to consider the future of that relationship given - in effect - you don’t really have one now? It sounds as though, financially, you could manage without him even if it means a significant income drop. If you are emotionally unfulfilled in this area it tends to impact how you parent (you can become over-invested) which may not be healthy for you or your children. You deserve to have balance in your life - space to be appreciated for who you are as a whole, not just as a mother, a tech professional, someone’s wife. This includes making time to pursue fun interests and to make/be with friends so that you have some of this from other quarters.

My first suggestion would be to book some 1-2-1 counselling to explore what it is you want out of life and then make steps to achieve it. A could therapist can help tweeze out what is life stuff and what is tinted by pesky perimenopause hormones!

tensmum1964 · 02/12/2025 10:47

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:33

I dont know anyone in the same situation. My colleagues are mainly US based and I dont want to rub shouders with the local elite. I like down to earth, dry sense of humour, trustworthy folk and it's a me problem, here, I have isolated myself for sure.

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I totally get that. If I won the lottery I would have to make my friends and family rich so that I still had them in my life. I have one friend who is well off (nothing like your income) but the rest of our social group aren't so she goes on a lot of holidays by herself as none of us can afford to go with her. Occasionally she will suggest that we go for meals in expensive places, or concerts with ridiculously priced tickets. Ive known her for so long that I just tell her to not be so fucking stupid and to live in the real world.I wouldn't want to socialise with "the elite" I wouldn't have anything in common with them. I know i keep plugging this but if you did something fulfilling with real people you may not find deep connections and friends but you might find a community where you feel comfortable and seen, if that makes sense.

Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:50

Starship74 · 02/12/2025 08:54

Cleaners are just so cheap for me, my cleaning company is 13p/h, I pay her £20p/h but its £60 a week so I don't notice this amount.

How small is your house that you only need 3 hours a week for cleaning? I've also never heard of an agency charging minimum wage - where is their markup?

My cleaner takes 5 hours per week for a 4 bed 2 bath house. On your income I'd expect your house to be a lot larger than mine...

Edited

I use a maid for you type company, they take about 3 pounds an hour or something, I think the base for the cleaner is now 14p/h.They dont look after their cleaners well. For instance , he cleaner could turn up for her weekly clean, I send her home coz dont want a clean that week, and there is no charge or penalty to me! There should at least be a cancellation charge, the cleaner has just used her petrol and time to get to me!

I live in a modest 4 bed, I eye up the bigger houses, but we all like it here for now! and my nanny is paid way above market for light housekeeping becasue the kids are now at school, this was very mutaully agreed by us both and she helps a lot where my health has declined. so the 3 hours offical cleaner does work for me for now.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:51

AmusedOpalShaker · 02/12/2025 03:19

I’ve loved reading this thread, so thank you for doing it.

It makes my heart sad really, that you feel so isolated. Sad because I recognise it in myself a lot of the time.

I want to just say to you that you shouldn’t ever feel like you are letting your children down by not being so sociable, look at the incredible experiences that you have given them, they are so incredibly fortunate!

I was never a high earner (NHS Band 5 Nurse) but have had to stop working currently due to a lot of physical health issues, my daughter has never been on a plane ever, we struggle day to day, I manage to save maybe £100 per month, I won’t ever get anywhere near 50k for a very, very, very long time if ever.. these facts make me feel panicked and terrified most days, but reading your thread it’s made me realise that I am rich in other ways that perhaps I take for granted - so thank you for that.

You should be so proud of everything you have accomplished, for you and yours. You sound like a fantastic person, and people that you have invited into your life are very lucky indeed.

I really do hope you have a wonderful Christmas, OP.

You sound like a lovely person. I am sorry your job was imacted by health, it is so hard. Sending hugs.

OP posts:

MNHQ

PipMumsnet · 02/12/2025 10:54

Hello there,
We just want to remind you all that troll hunting goes against our Talk guidelines. If you have any concerns about a thread or the OP please report them to us and do not air them on the thread. Those who continue to troll hunt may have their accounts suspended which is something we want to avoid.
The OP of this thread has been with us a number of years now and we have no reason to believe they are anything but genuine.
MNHQ

Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:57

CautiousLurker2 · 02/12/2025 10:47

Money aside, I think parenting is actually quite isolating. Whether working or not, you are forced into an artificially created bubble and made to interact with people who you have nothing in common with aside from children born in the same school year and in the same postcodes/parental income bracket. Any chance to be yourself, to pursue things that enhance personal development or friendships are shelved for a significant period because you have to prioritise the children, even if you have help in the form of a nanny. It isn’t healthy for your children to only live through them or for your time with them to be underscored by the guilt you feel over working long hours or laced with disappointment in your marriage.

As it does also sound as though your husband is emotionally unavailable? This may be a separate but also significant issue - could you seek relationship counselling, or is it time to consider the future of that relationship given - in effect - you don’t really have one now? It sounds as though, financially, you could manage without him even if it means a significant income drop. If you are emotionally unfulfilled in this area it tends to impact how you parent (you can become over-invested) which may not be healthy for you or your children. You deserve to have balance in your life - space to be appreciated for who you are as a whole, not just as a mother, a tech professional, someone’s wife. This includes making time to pursue fun interests and to make/be with friends so that you have some of this from other quarters.

My first suggestion would be to book some 1-2-1 counselling to explore what it is you want out of life and then make steps to achieve it. A could therapist can help tweeze out what is life stuff and what is tinted by pesky perimenopause hormones!

Such a beautifully written and well thought out reply. Are you a professional in this field as you have summed so much up in a couple of paragraphs? That or just a pretty intelligent human?(being serious)

So many posts here have absolutely encoutaged me to revisit the therapy. I thank everyone who has taken the time to reply. I am going to pay it forward with internet kindess myself. Thank you

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 11:01

tensmum1964 · 02/12/2025 10:47

I totally get that. If I won the lottery I would have to make my friends and family rich so that I still had them in my life. I have one friend who is well off (nothing like your income) but the rest of our social group aren't so she goes on a lot of holidays by herself as none of us can afford to go with her. Occasionally she will suggest that we go for meals in expensive places, or concerts with ridiculously priced tickets. Ive known her for so long that I just tell her to not be so fucking stupid and to live in the real world.I wouldn't want to socialise with "the elite" I wouldn't have anything in common with them. I know i keep plugging this but if you did something fulfilling with real people you may not find deep connections and friends but you might find a community where you feel comfortable and seen, if that makes sense.

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I have been your friend. I book the best restaurants and business flights, top hotels and insist its my treat and my friends don't love it. They say 'no handouts' etc. It is hard to share wealth- you have to see it to believe it, I guess from either perspective.
As much as you say 'I will stay in touch with money' you lose it. I grew up poor, I am very waste averse but still £400 to be driven into London and back for lunch becasue I dont want to catch the train, is a very real thing. This is a crap example, but others see you do that and their like WTF girl.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 11:03

Justthetonicandgin · 02/12/2025 10:41

What do you think they get? If you’re a banker on £2m, you get a payslip.

Thank you! I have reported their accusations in return, just to hopefully show admin that I am very genuine and dont appreciate being accused of lying with no concrete examples of how that is. The payslip accusation is next level.

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Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 11:07

SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato · 01/12/2025 23:36

I am a Holistic Therapist, so look at treating the person as a whole, mind body and soul, rather than 'parts'.

I am sure you've done this million times if you've had therapy but this is a really good place to start

Get a large sheet of paper and draw about 8 big bubbles on it

In each one wrote an area of your life ie
Health
Family
Work
Finance
Hobbies
Fun
Relationships
Home
Love
Wellbeing

In each bubble using one coloured pen write down all the things you're already doing in each of those areas to make you life fulfilled. Anything at all, nothing is too small. Some bubbles might be full and some might have only one thing in.

Then in a different colour pen write the things you wish it were. Doesn't matter how extravagant, its literally just getting your thoughts down on paper.

Writing it down so clearly like this might seem really obvious or simple, but you'll be able to see really clearly which of your life areas are leaving you the most unfulfilled

Then choose ONE area and one thing that you can do in the next week to make it better. Could be something really small.

For example in hobbies, you might write that you don't do anything but as a child you loved to draw. Your action for the week could be something really simple like buying yourself a little sketchbook and some fun colour pens and spend 15 mins (start small and you're more likely to do it) making some doodles.

That's it. Something really small and easy.

The trick is to work theough picking something really small each week to focus in. One tiny thing for YOURSELF. one little thing that will be one thing more than if you'd never had a go

If you want anymore help at all or an example of what it could look like please feel free to message me 😊

This nearly got lost in the nightowl replies, but thank you so so much. I really will do this, My last therapy was remote during covid, I can't rememeber if I have done similar, but I will do this... today! If I stop typing on here.
People who take the time to reply like this, you are the good in the world Don't change❤

OP posts:

tensmum1964 · 02/12/2025 11:08

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 11:01

I have been your friend. I book the best restaurants and business flights, top hotels and insist its my treat and my friends don't love it. They say 'no handouts' etc. It is hard to share wealth- you have to see it to believe it, I guess from either perspective.
As much as you say 'I will stay in touch with money' you lose it. I grew up poor, I am very waste averse but still £400 to be driven into London and back for lunch becasue I dont want to catch the train, is a very real thing. This is a crap example, but others see you do that and their like WTF girl.

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Haha, sadly you aren't exactly like my friend. She is as tight as a ducks arse so never offers to pay. Not that I would accept it if she did. Anyway OP, you sound to me like you have a lot of insight so im confident that one way or another you are destined for inner peace and fulfilment. You've just got to start the process of finding it. You will no doubt have a few disappointments on that journey but the important thing is to start the journey. Good luck, I wish you all the best. Maybe at some point when you are in a much better place in your life, you can come back and tell us what is was that made the difference xx

Original poster

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 11:12

miniaturepixieonacid · 01/12/2025 23:39

Are your children in private school?

And, oddly specific question:
I was in Harrods the other day with my sister playing a highly childish game of find the most outrageous prices. We found:
Little boys smart blazer jacket abut age 7ish - £2100
HUGE stuffed toy giraffe (about 2.5m tall) - £4500
Gold (prseumably real) ornamental elephant - £45,000
and wondered who would actually spend that on kids' clothes and toys or home decor. You're the highest earner I've ever 'met' so ... would you buy those things?

In a typical month, how much of that 85K do you manage to get through?

Have you ever been taken advantage of, financially?

Kids in normal school for now.
I dont like Harrods, think its flashing wealth for the sake of it so those items seem more of a humblebrag or keeping up with the jones's. Your trip sounds like a LOT of fun.

I have not been taken advantage of as depite my sadness, I am savvy.
I spend about 20-30k a month, but lots of that is investments. Lifestyle is probably about 19k and that includes paid help and luxuries.

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JustAn0therUsername · 02/12/2025 11:13

OP I’ve just read all your posts. I can see you’ve had a mumsnet healthy mixture of grief and support!

You’ve had lots of good advice, but I have one experience to share. The one thing that helped me most when I was lonely was joining a theatre group. It didn’t matter what money people had, where you were from, what your education was, everyone just came together in a team doing what needed to be done. Friendships formed without pressure and, what might be helpful for you, is that the socialising tended to happen at the theatre. So any disparity in income wouldn’t be noticed.

It’s not the only solution, and I think reconnecting with therapy might also help you, but just thought I’d chuck the idea out there of a ‘safe’ environment to meet people.

You’ve done well for yourself professionally, there is no reason you cannot do the same personally.

Imdunfer · 02/12/2025 11:22

cripplinglyalone · 02/12/2025 10:11

The income will honestly make complete sense to anyome here on the same field as me. I will try to explain arghghg:

When you join the big tech company you are given a monetry value chunk of stocks as part of your sign on- these then vest over the next 3, 4, 5 years. So if the company gives you a stock grant when you start of 1 millonusd, that is determined at the stock price the month you start. So if the stock price for your comany is 100usd per stock and you got granted a million, you then hold 10,000 unvested shares. Your company will have a vesting schedule, but lets say its yearly over 3 years, it means 1/3 of your shares will vest- become yours- each year so 3333 shares. This is determined at hire stage. So now you have your yearly vest figure, the stock price does and has skyrocket during those three years, so each stock was worth 100 USD when it was granted, that same stock is now worth 610USD, but your vest of 3333 shares is set in stone as long as you don't leave- its your stock just not vested, so now you are getting 3333 x 610 usd this year - that's 2,033,033million USD, just for that one year.
There are videos online that explain this a LOT better than me.

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The salary might make sense, there are possibly a handful of coders in the world being paid what you are.

But your explanation makes no sense as written to anyone with half a knowledge of finance.

Your shares are worth diddly squat except on paper until they are sold.

At no point is holding stock ”income”.

Your £85k a month is not coming from share values and if it was coming from dividends from building shares then you'd be a multi millionaire.

You write as if you are continuing to hold the shares when to make your £2.5m a year they must be being sold. Are they?

One thing is for sure and that's you are desperately in need of the financial advisor that most employers of people like you would have put you in touch with.

Imdunfer · 02/12/2025 11:26

OP I hope you take this the right way. I am ND myself or I wouldn't write it.

Most people writing code at the level you are will be neuro diverse. It's what makes us great at those roles. If this is true of you then that neuro diversity might also explain some of your social issues.

It could perhaps help you to explore this?

I wish you well.