House Hold Income 85K a month net

[cripplinglyalone]

My house hold income is 85k a month net. I am money rich but support /family poor. AMA.

Loneliness tends to be exacerbated by money not alleviated if you don’t find “your” crowd.

it sounds like you’re looking for friends and connections so I’m curious why you’re not mixing with more people in similar situations to you.

I’m also in tech, make a bit more than you, 2 DC still in private school - 2 DC gone through the system - and (and this will really put the cat amongst the MN pigeons!) know loads of people earning/working similarly, between various work/school/gym/clubs/groups etc

Are you not meeting people or not gelling with people?

What on earth do you do with all that money? When you hear about so many people struggling to make ends meet, do you feel guilty? Do you even look at the price of anything before you buy it? Would you be able to manage if you had to last a year on 85k?

I’ve loved reading this thread, so thank you for doing it.

It makes my heart sad really, that you feel so isolated. Sad because I recognise it in myself a lot of the time.

I want to just say to you that you shouldn’t ever feel like you are letting your children down by not being so sociable, look at the incredible experiences that you have given them, they are so incredibly fortunate!

I was never a high earner (NHS Band 5 Nurse) but have had to stop working currently due to a lot of physical health issues, my daughter has never been on a plane ever, we struggle day to day, I manage to save maybe £100 per month, I won’t ever get anywhere near 50k for a very, very, very long time if ever.. these facts make me feel panicked and terrified most days, but reading your thread it’s made me realise that I am rich in other ways that perhaps I take for granted - so thank you for that.

You should be so proud of everything you have accomplished, for you and yours. You sound like a fantastic person, and people that you have invited into your life are very lucky indeed.

I really do hope you have a wonderful Christmas, OP.

You sound like a fantastic mum and lovely person. I hope you find the peace and confidence you deserve (which is tonnes of peace and confidence!).

Really hope you’re ok, OP. I’d definitely recommend talking therapy- keep going until you find a therapist who you like. Just be aware it can be a bit exhausting at first.

Can you try and join some groups/hobbies to meet like minded people? Somewhere where people won’t know you so you know they’re not just befriending you for the money? Choir, book club, volunteering, a sports club?

Keep trying on the friends front- a few good friends could make a huge difference.

I'm genuinely sorry that you've had a traumatic childhood and clearly are unhappy and lonely but many many poor people have this life without the backup of huge wealth. At least you dont have to worry about being homeless or wonder if you are able to feed your children etc. The stress of poverty is in my opinion is one of the worse things to suffer, especially because often its a life long trap. That's not to say that your pain isn't real, its just hard to sympathise with. Correct me if im wrong but to me you sound more unfulfilled than lonely. Giving money to charity when you have huge amounts is easy. Why dont you do something that actually makes a difference to people's lives. Go and work in a homeless shelter or a mental health setting and do it with a genuine desire to help people. It's a good feeling knowing that your existence actually contributes to improving the lives of people who have probably suffered as you have, but who didn't have the opportunities that you've had and never will. I've worked in the mental health field for over 30 yrs and am piss poor financially and always will be, but I can honestly say that knowing that doing what I do makes an albeit small but positive contribution to peoples lives gives me a great deal of personal fulfilment. Take a yr off of OP and do something meaningful. It may be what you need to help you build connections and feel part of society rather than feeling like an onlooker. Loneliness isn't always cured by deep connections to individuals.

What does AMA stand for?

Would you give up your income to be slim and attractive?

I am not well off .but I did move to another town and have to start again so I know about having to make new friends.
The best advice I can give you is let your kids invite people for play dates have birthday party's attend birthday party's and never talk about money. That way you will naturally get speaking to the other mums. Its hard I found it difficult at first and I will normally talk to anyone.

There are two more of these threads in Dec 22 and Dec 24 so this must be the annual update

Some therapy would help work through some of the issues you’ve mentioned here OP. Wishing you all the best 😊

You know what OP, I started this thread feeling cynical but now I'm sorry and really do wish you the best. I'm earning fine, nothing dazzling but plenty to support myself and my cats, live in a regular flat in a pretty nice village that I own, and my biggest financial worry is job insecurity rather than wage (it's a lot of contract work in my field at the moment). But I have a loving if slightly overbearing mother still living round the corner, a few real solid longterm friends who I truly love, and plenty of light friendships with colleagues etc. I also had the best father in the world, though he died young. I'm lucky and I shouldn't complain.

I do envy you that private healthcare though, I'll have a bit of that if you don't mind, I'll be thinking of that in my four-minute appointment later probably running an hour late, while I try to hurriedly explain to yet another new face why I need a particular medication and not the other one, please its on my records , I'm aware its a more expensive drug but I have a raging contradication for the usual, yes I'm sure 😅

That's mean

Op I get it, my dad died and always put his new wife before us and my mum is a narcissist who only cares about herself. I too got the you're not good enough, why did I have you, I should have drowned you at birth speech, if I got 10/10 it was why didn't you get 11. Telling me I was fat but not to my face, just buying me size 24 pants when I was barely a size 6 etc. I get jealous of people with loving mum's but it just makes me more determined to love and treat my children. Sure I make mistakes but they know they are my life! Sending lots of love 💕

And on that note we will all take a fiver via PayPal for being supportive queens. I’m joking of course, but I do hope this thread has made you feel a little lighter and you have a good day ☺️

I wanted to hop on and say I do believe this is genuine. Years ago I nannied for a wealthy family, 3 children, 3 nannies. They were so isolated, no real friends, horrible marriage, didn't even share the same bed. The wife would offer me a glass of wine, I think because she was so lonely it made her feel she was talking to a friend. It was bizarre to have so much in life, but the stuff that comes free was so far out of reach.
I really hope you find a way forward through this.

The sad thing is that, when I look at all the people I know, the ones with the most money seem to also be the unhappiest. I really do think it's true what they say, money doesn't buy happiness. I think all you need is enough not to have to stress about money. Being truly rich is having a supportive family and good friends, as you're discovering.

Do you have time for hobbies? I go to line dancing one evening a week and a writers group once a month. I also go to church occassionary where I've met some lovely ladies of all ages. They all meet up once a week just for a chat in a coffee shop and I join them when I can. All these things have helped me make friends and not feel isolated.

I don't know how many hours you work but getting a healthy work/ life balance is really important. Having some YOU time is important too.

I would love to know more about your education/career path? Are your unique skills learnt or a natural talent (or combination)?

Also do you think this has affected your marriage? I’m in the opposite situation where redundancy and recession affected my career path and my husbands thrived. We have worked through it, but it’s not always easy.

I wanted to share something with you that my therapist said to me recently which was super helpful. You said you tend to isolate yourself?Think about a situation where this is the case and where you wish you’d open up a bit more.

Now ask yourself: what ‚negative’ thoughts do i need to allow myself to feel so that I’m able to open up a bit in that situation?

See it, name it, allow it. No need to change or fix anything. sit with the emotion. That’s all. Scary at first to not stuff this down. But feeling, expressing takes the sting out of it.

I can relate not with the money side of things. But the lack of family after a traumatic childhood. But I made really good friends that became my own family. Could you perhaps start a hobby you may enjoy to meet new people.

What stops you paying for support? You could have a full time housekeeper?

Are people literally nuts? You pay about 50k for this. Remember if you employ someone you have to deal with employers nic and pension contributions etc.

Absolutely! And those people are not your friends!!

Why is it nuts? OP earns £1m a year. If £50k plus contributions makes her life much easier, it’s a small price to pay.

Just wondering, how many hours a week do you work? How established are you in your career (years, education, network) to command this salary?

I think this time of year when people are arranging to meet up with family and friends can really make you feel quite lonely if you don’t have that kind of support network. I hope you find family in friends OP and be kind to yourself. You sound like you are a wonderful mother and providing so much for your children. In so many ways.