Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

Mortgage free in your early 40s with £61K in the bank and (presumably?) no debt doesn't seem shit to me. Most people overpay their mortgage and then divert what they would have paid on their mortgage to investments once they're mortgage free, surely?

£61k is very low. Have you thought about taking in washing?

You seem in a good place

Most people are trying to get out of property - the BTL story is much earlier than he’s thinking

If he doesn’t believe you look at the rebel finance school return on equity sheet - pick any random local thing you might have bought

Maybe check your pensions - what fund charges / funds - are they doing the best they could do

And DC up to you - could save/invest for them or for you but also what is the purpose - what is the life & lifestyle you want

Is this more about his salary / personal feelings? Is he feeling his job is risky or unstable?

Tell him to go and earn more money next time he comments on your spending!

Well....I don't ever say this to him but by god it's always on the tip of my tongue. It won't stay on there for much longer

61k in savings and your a mortgage free on a house thats worth half a million plus and you are only in your early 40s.
Unless hes hiding a secret habit you are unaware of......... hes talking nonsense!

I will absolutely suggest this to the fool 🤦🏻

My house is worth under £100k, I'm paying a mortgage as a single mum and I have around £25 in my savings at the moment. I have not accidentally left off a k. I'd feel utterly minted in your situation. And there are people far worse off than me.

Thank you for that, I will take a look.
Yes I've heard the same about BTLs and landlords laws getting tighter,.I don't know why he's fixated on it. I would rather invest into our pensions more if his concern is having a better nest egg in 25 years.
I definitely will take a look at my pension pot and its investment strategies as to be honest, I probably haven't tinkered with it enough as I should

You’re in your early 40s, mortgage free and huge savings and good pension.
you’re not Elon musk, no, but it’s hardly shit. Other than having a crystal ball or winning the lottery what does he want you to do. Presumably you have 20 more years working earning over 100k a year and paying no mortgage so lots of surplus cash to spruce the house or whatever
He sounds like quite a negative person though?

I know, I'm so sorry. 😔 I really think he needs a big reality check.
Wishing you all the best for your future, it must be so difficult, I really hope it improves over time

His pension doesn’t great (at all!) but about from that, you’re in a great position. Maybe he’s just got so used to scrimping that he can’t break the habit now?

You are only 5 years older than us and we have same age kids and a 300k mortgage. Obviously won't be clearing that any time soon. You're in a far better position than many!

He is a very negative person; he isn't happy in lots of areas of his life (which includes our relationship) so I know he's projecting a lot of the time and he's just in a very negative mindset. I'm happy for him to point out flaws in our marriage and things that I do wrong but I'm not happy for him to come at me about the money situation or how it's evolved. I just don't think he has a leg to stand on. Anyway, I'm conscious I'm moving into 'Relationships" forum territory 😅 I may start a thread on those issues in a few days!

Combined income of 100k, no mortgage and 61k in the bank?
Yet you've had 2 overseas holidays in 10 years And he's carping about you taking the kids to the playbarn or whatever....

How are you not responding 'OKAY SCROOGE MCDUCK' when he starts??

He's being ridiculous.
I think you might have to buckle up & prepare to have an argument about this, because what you accept will continue.

Ok trying to take an objective view. Assuming you have an otherwise good relationship and you consider all savings, assets, pensions to be joint ?

Hes wrong about buy to let. Having said that I have friends and relatives who have done it and I get wistful about it sometimes. But. Have to give my head a wobble as you can’t change the past.

perhaps he’s felling the pinch and feeling vulnerable. We are all feeling the pressure of COL and we are surrounded by economic gloom with a budget coming.

perhaps divert thoughts into making the most of what you have. Look at your budgets objectively check you’re getting value for money on spend, claiming anything you’re due ( aka money savings expert). collate pension details, do some sums and projections to see what that would mean if you put your excess cash across savings and pensions ( bearing in mind how tax efficient the latter is), hopefully these will free up some money for fun or house refurbs and quell fears?

Tell him to get some shifts down the pub

Of course you are in a good position, the man is a tool. I would

a) go for full transparency with finances (so you know what he's doing re pension) and then go see a financial advisor together so you know what you have to do to retire comfortably and cover uni fees

and

b) tell him to shut it

Some people are miserable and like to make others miserable too. Does he have any positive qualities?

Might be good to redirect the conversation to what he would like to happen now. As we all know we can't change the past. I would like to go back in time and buy Apple stocks.

It sounds like your net worth is approaching a million pounds so I would have short shrift with him. In any case, the easiest way to get more financially secure is to increase income - looking at you, husband.

An element of that I think, but more so projection of other issues in his life. Sigh

Why the heck is he carping about your amazing (and I mean amazing) financial good fortune (mostly down to you, by the way). You’re mortgage free in your 40s with very young children, and £60k in the bank - plus decades (you) of employer pension contributions.

Sounds like he is feeling inferior and therefore needs to make a right fuss and bother to distract. He needs to pull his finger out and earn more, obviously.

Your only problem is your husband OP. Get rid of him and you’ll be in financial paradise.

Just seen this.

Ugh.

I’ll bet you aren’t happy for him to come to you complanijy about money, as well as the relationship, his happiness, and all the rest of it.

Why is it your problem to solve? He sounds like a giant fun and financial sponge to be honest.

Is it a long marriage ?? Fear the answer is yes, in which case the solutions are financially unappealing to you, unfortunately. Still, what you may lose in finances you recoup in joy of living: swings and roundabouts 💐.

Not the greatest relationship at the moment but hopefully we can get out the other side. Yes all joint, we have had joint accounts since marriage really (although I keep £200 a month in my personal account from of my wages before transferring them, which I use for all sorts of shit, for myself. He knows about it

Really good practical advice on what we can do thank you. I liked another PP's suggestion of full transparency and seeing an IFA so will take this all on board.

😂