Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

You're mortgage free at a young age! We purchased our home at a similar time to you for about £20K less, 4 bedroomed, and its price value has increased to a little less than yours. We have savings but we're in our early 50's and won't be mortgage free for another 10 years at least!! You are in a very fortunate position. Did your husband grow up in a household with little money? He seems to be fixated on having as much money as possible, because it makes him feel secure. No one has a crystal ball, so your husband's grumblings, of 'should have done that, or this', are pointless. Neither of you did, so the situation is what it is. Your financial situation from my point of view is very good, and if your husband is concerned, I'd suggest HE finds a different job that earns more money!! Rather than grumbling at you, about what he thinks YOU should have done, whilst looking into your imaginary crystal ball!!!

You have a DH problem. He is far wealthier than he has a right to be on 37k- funded by spiralling house prices. Is he like this about other things: entitled and unable to see how lucky he is? I couldn't stand the glass half empty attitude, it'd genuinely get me down. Silver lining is you're definitely rich enough to divorce if it gets unbearable!

Ah, just saw this. Yep- think relationships is the place. Grumpy old men before their time is a bit of a theme on there...

Sounds like you are possibly in a good position because of your actions and attitudes, whereas he has been rather late to act in comparison. You are doing it to live a good life now, he is going to be negative whatever the situation.

He’s being ridiculous.

Next time he comments on your spending maybe you can comment on how he should get a second job and improve his earning ability. Cheeky sod.

I wish I was as poor as you.

He can't seriously think him making £37k and owning a house worth half a million is doing poorly? What is this really about? Surely if he want s BTL he can do research and come to you with a plan in how to aquire one. Does he actually handle any of the finances?

I'd suggest saying that you are getting tired of the continual negativity around finances. Say that if he genuinely wants to understand what options are that you together meet an IFA for an assessment.
An IFA will outline the reality of BTL (which will NOT be attractive to your DH if he has an ounce of sense when he sees the reality of outlay, expenses, risks and v low margins).
It will also likely make v clear that the most impactful things you could do is to both maximise your earnings and pensions in the coming 20 years, plus find a way to save that fits your risk appetite.

You are in a great financial position. Formalising a budget may help. From your current savings set aside an emergency fund of 6 months expenditure, house improvement amount and holiday for next year. If your DC may go to university then look at the MoneySavingExpert guide to student finance and start putting aside money for that. Then think together about how to split any spare money for days out/meals out, extra in pension and long term savings.

Why don't you say anything? He is being ludicrous! If this thread is even real...

You’re in a good place.

BTLs are a pain in the arse. Look at Rebel Finance School.

You're in a fantastic position. He's being a prick about it. I highly doubt this is the only thing he's a prick about, but if it is, go and see an IFA together. Do that anyway, then have a strong talk with him about his attitude. My exh was (and remains) just like this about money. Nothing was EVER enough, financially or any other part of life. He doesn't contribute to dd17's maintenance at all but manages to take his gf on European weekend breaks every year, so his priorities are sound.

In a nutshell, if this is his view on everything he won't change and all his perceived injustices in his life will be your fault. If he's genuinely just insecure and worried for your family, see an IFA and once reassured by a professional, he should change his tune. I suspect he won't but I wish you luck. People like him are beyond draining.

Most of us know what's happening here, right? An average-at-best man trying to put down a significantly more successful woman. In addition to the financial whining he's also pointing out OPs flaws in the marriage (which OP says she's happy for him to do).

I would put my foot down, OP and be very, very clear with DH:

1. You think that your financial situation is solid. If he thinks it to be otherwise you suggest he takes action and starts earning a bigger salary. Ideally one to match your own. Once he has achieved that you are happy to have the conversation again - not before.
2. One of the best ways to ensure financial stability is to not get divorced. In order to achieve that you suggest he doesn't voice his negative attitude about finances, your flaws out loud unless he has a clear action plan how to improve and what action HE will take to improve finances, improve his flaws ( ie negative attitude). Some CBT counselling might help. Did the trick for my DH when he was on a negative spiral which I was no longer prepared to put up with and told him so in no uncertain terms.

I also suggest you have a joint account for joint spend (decide how much that will be each month and pay in proportionate to both your incomes). Keep the rest in separate accounts so you can spend on little treats for the kids, for yourself and even holidays with just you and kids from your personal account and you don't have to justify every expense. I have done this for years with my DH who is incredibly and unbearably tight with money. I am convinced it has saved our marriage. I also enjoyed holidays with just me and the kids - sometimes holidaying together with friends who were single parents.

He could be a whole lot worse off if he doesn’t start to enjoy life and stop moaning and being miserly as I would consider divorcing him! I can’t imagine living with the fun police for the rest of my life.

Sounds good to me, we were in a similar position at around the same age and for the last 10 years have been able to invest what would have been spent on mortgage in other areas. My husband will be retired at 55, me at 50 (we have an age gap) and we will be very comfortable.

What is he really worried about? It sounds like something deeper is going on. Can you ask him? Which part of our finances concern you the most/what do you worry will happen about that, etc etc.

i think you could be in a better position. I think you should own 2 houses by your 40s and £250k in the bank because 61k is just too little to cover a rainy day. And I think your garden probably needs to be bigger.
Sorry OP. I know you don’t mean to and everyone tends to look up, I’m sure you have friends who have more than you and this post is looking for reassurance that you’re doing well, you are doing very well and other people are no where near this

😆😆😆

He's obviously just projecting unhappiness about other things.

We did what he wants to have done. Bought an investment property and a half, only bought our house late, and because we did that we bought our own house after prices had shot up and with a small deposit (our money being in the investment properties). We couldn't afford something nice, so now we live in a not-so-nice house in an otherwise nice street.

I am sure it makes financial sense, maybe, but it does not make me happier! I feel worse off than the people in the nicer houses, plus we paid a lot more for our much shittier house than they did.

Either way, he is just oozing negativity for other reasons.

It sounds miserable OP. You dont get any prizes for being mortgage free so young. Live a little. The kids are young for such a short time - take them places, experience life. I see so many peoples slog away to reach early retirement and then find out that they can't travel due to ill health or pricey insurance premiums. You honestly cannot predict what's around the corner. Balance it out a bit!

Not to be horrible, but I've been there. This sounds to me like he doesn't love you, he doesn't want to be with you, but he's staying with you because as the high earner you are subsidising his life.

When he's talking about your bad financial situation he isnt thinking about your lovely house, he's thinking "I can't afford to leave, and if I do I'm going to end up in a 2 bed flat" and he thinks at his time of life he deserves more.

Id start speaking to a solicitor before he does

I feel your pain op. I also have a negative moaning Minnie to put up with. Mine constantly moans about how crap his pension is, but then says he won’t live to claim it! It’s probably much wider an issue than just the finances - no real advice other than ignore him and I’d be putting some of your wages away in an account he knows nothing about.

You're in a decent place financially. Mortgage free in early 40s. You need a cash buffer, but £61k in cash might be bit high unless it's got good interest rates. Do you have decent life insurance and unemployment/sickness insurance? Your pension sounds ok. What you are now not paying into mortgage you could start putting into investments - ISA or pension top ups or for the kids.
And I'd probably make sure I got some nice holidays in too while kids are youngish.
I've made different priorities to you - on track to pay off mortgage in early 50s rather than early 40s for example. Paying more into pensions and starting savings for kids. And holidays.

I think you need to do 2 things:

1. See a proper financial planner who can advise you on pensions & investments.
2. Get a bank card that doesn’t report all your spendings. Or change the settings.

I am a little more financially careful than DH, and it would absolutely send me into a state of anxiety if my phone kept pinging me every time he bought a cup of coffee or something.

Move your money to your own bank account . I’d be livid if my dh was penny pinching in your situation. Doesn’t sound like he’s a nice person I’d be considering my future with someone like that . Nothing worse than a mean person

I’ve not read all the updates but £61k in the bank is silly. You need to speak to a FA but I would think the best thing you could do with that money is get it in a good pension.