Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

Agreeing with everyone else, you’re in a good position. I’ve got a decade or n you, earn more, but still have a substantial mortgage.

What is he wanting more money for? Life is for living, with your family, while you have them at home. I’m not saying don’t be savvy about pensions etc., but honestly, I’d ask him to stop moaning about the past and think about enjoying life. I’d also say that if having more is so important to him, he should think about how he can contribute more. In the meantime, on £70k, you want to be able to go on holiday, get a new car, splurge occasionally etc.

Every time he brought it up, I’d likely roll my eyes and say ‘moaning about this again??’ Not mature I know, but he’s being ridiculous. Being mortgage free and having money in the bank at his age on £37K is good going.

This isn't really a dilemma tbh - which is why it will read as a stealth boast.

Communicate this to him. Tell him to use AI to assess your financial position and this it compares to others at your stage in life.

Beyond that, it's a non-issue.

Well, if your partner is unhappy, it’s a good time to have a budget summit where you get a glass of wine and all the financial records, pension forecasts, and talk hopes and dreams [I know how to live emoticon] Pointless to say he’s a miserable shit etc, you live with him. Maybe the day to day bill contributions need a bit of tweaking so he doesn’t feel as if he doesn’t have the cash to spend. Maybe he needs to look at the reality of what you have and will have in black and white. Or maybe, as you say, this is all really about other things.

As for buy to let, I do know someone who went into that at not a bad time and is embroiled in a horrific legal dispute, plus another accidental landlord who rented out her house when taking a job elsewhere in the country, only to find a marijuana farm in her house with her beloved little place wrecked and heavy time needed with the police. It is a hell of a lot to take on and absolutely not free money even back then.

Does he have some work colleague or unhelpful relative filling his head with crap? Or was he just happier when you were counting the pennies as he is comfortable with that based on his past? My brother had therapy to unpick some of that thinking, he can go out to dinner now. Given his experiences as a teenager/young adult, it’s not surprising he struggled.

Forget btl - start investing in index funds and let compound interest do its magic. You're heading for a very comfortable old age and won't have to scrimp to get there. Well done!

I see someone's already mentioned Rebel Finance School - you and your husband should do the free course on YouTube - it"s brilliant (and good fun too).

And for the love of god - book a summer holiday for your family somewhere sunny. Look at Port de Pollensa in Majorca. Enjoy!

You’re in a great financial position. But don’t forget about making memories. I’d be booking some holidays with the kids. Your husband’s attendance is optional.

I am not very financially savvy.

But I really do think that you are in a ridiculously envious position to be mortgage free. A lot of people in their 40s nowadays are only just starting to climb a 25 year mortgage mountain.

I'm also an experiences and make memories person and with children of those ages I'd be planning amazing trips away and adventures with any spare cash I had. (I do this anyway but v much haven't paid off my mortgage, do not have £61k in the bank etc etc)

Whilst none of us should be racking up debt on credit cards etc, once you have a degree of financial security (and you have oodles), then you should also enjoy the here and now. No future is guaranteed. So many friends are hitting massive health issues or caring responsibilities in the 40s and 50s, I'd enjoy travel and trips with the money you have.

Your husband needs to decide what his real issue is. Because it's not your finances.

I think he's lost perspective. I'm on the same as him, and if he was a single parent like I am he'd be struggling with basics, not mortgage free and sitting on savings. My kids haven't had a foreign holiday, and I don't have the money to replace my 20+ year old car. He's forgotten how fortunate he is.

I’m very financially prudent but I do believe you need to have some joys in life particularly if you have kids.

i wouldn’t have taken them on holidays as toddlers as that has never seemed like a holiday to me but they are now at an age where I would think it would be nice to start showing them the world and even a weekend in a UK sounds like your dh will suck the joy from it or try and change it to a living room camp out. I think if you don’t stop that kind of thing you will regret when the dc no longer want to holiday with you.

Sit down and work out a budget that is realistic and has some holiday money and days out factored in. I do agree that planning for the future is important but so is time with your kids.

I think you need to be more assertive and stand up on this point

I would say no. You are far better maintaining a mortgage and investing from an early age so you get the benefit of compound interest especially with mortgage rates low in historical terms.

Can I just say you are doing great.

Well, I asked, I didn't assert. The relatively few people I know who have been in a position to overpay their mortgage have concentrated on that first, and have then tried to save or invest what they would have been paying in mortgage once they are mortgage-free. Because they wouldn't have been able to afford to over pay and risk a buy to let that stood empty, for example.

It's swings and roundabouts. You might have invested in a BTL, but it likely would have been breaking even at best, possibly you'd have been subsidising in the last few years with tax changes meaning you couldn't claim mortgage tax relief. Which would have meant you not be mortgage free on your own property now. You might have had grief with bad tenants, big repair bills. And you would likely be looking to sell your BTL right now as many many small landlords are. So it might not have been the easy street he thinks. But you likely can't reason with him! I would put it back on him, 'well you should have advocated for that more strongly at the time'. You are, as a couple, in an enviable financial position. I suspect he is unhappy with his lot as the lower earner. Storm clouds ahead.

It’s not a competition to see who can earn the most! I’ve always earned more than my DH, but I have never considered telling him to get a higher paid job.

Does he have the same amount in his personal account?

If you are now in a good place sit down and make a few long term plans. Book family holiday for next year plan some savings for your kids. Check both your pensions are both balanced in amounts I note difference in salarys but either he’s moaning for no reason perhaps comparing with others or maybe in a rut. BTL are a pain and have to be treated as a business in reality most small scale landlords are now selling up as sums don’t add up. yes financial security is good but with your savings you can both afford to splash out on some fun too. All work and not much play can make most people wonder what exactly they are working for.

You could do the Rebel Finance school course which is absolutely brilliant and could give you some ideas on how to grow your capital. That’ll give him something to focus on. They have a fabulous and informative Facebook page too. I think you’re doing brilliantly!

Objectively you are in a great place, considering how young you are.

What is his background? My husband grew up surrounded by bankruptcy and poverty. He is extremely financially prudent, always has been, because he is terrified of losing everything he has worked for. Is there anything like that going on?

Others are right about BTL. We recently sold a rental as the sums didn't work out anymore. And quite frankly we got sick of tenants deliberately damaging the place.

Oh, you mean most people who can afford to overpay do that/invest. You said most people overpay their mortgage, and I was feeling like, Does everyone do that except me??

I think this goes deeper than money. If your marriage is shaky at the moment and he's saying he's not happy, maybe he's in the mindset that if you had a BTL, you'd have a separate property for one of you to move into? He's obviously aware that if you do separate, he'd struggle financially on his own.

I think you might need a candid talk about him wanting out of the marriage and whether his dissatisfaction about your financial situation is a reflection of him feeling trapped, in the same way women who earn less than their husbands feel trapped.

Sounds like you're not very happy generally so
have a think about that.

If it’s just finances, maybe ask him to explain what a good position looks like to him. Possibly you have different aims or expectations- if he wants to retire at 50 and live sailing round the world drinking champagne then sure, you’re not on track for that- if you have different aims then best to spell it out so that you can discuss it sensibly.

Yup. Grumpy old man syndrome. I became free of an abusive marriage in mid life and often feel low about my dream of a lifelong romance being dashed, and envious when I see longtime married couples around me benefiting from their jointly accrued financial advantages later in life. And then I remember how many of them are stuck with a complete grump.

He's not happy so he's blaming it on money and you, what a little treasure he is Op. He needs a wake up call _ you own your home, you have your DC, good jobs, you are very fortunate and he's still whinging. I'm afraid my patience would have worn very thin by now

Tell him to get a better job or retrain for a better job if he's that worried.

Tell him to earn more, sit in the dark alone and contemplate how lucky he is! You have to live or would you rather be my In-Laws, save for what, sit in, then find you're too old and ill to spend anything and the only one that benefitted was private equity, as they owned the care home! You are doing fine, it's a partnership and time is not a infinite for humans, so do something joyful when you can, and you can!

Oh right! No, that's not what I meant. I didn't overpay mine, for what it's worth, because I was worried about not having anything put aside for emergencies, but the people I know who did really threw everything they had spare at it.