Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

13 years.

Yes I know what you mean. Well, the equity in the house will at least help 😞

As others have said he's being silly! You're in a far better position than most.
Perhaps doing a budget together monthly might help? Budgets sound restrictive but actually they're like 'permission' to spend. Allocate some for short term, long term savings, holidays, pensions, ISAs etc but also some to enjoy. If you allocate X amount for family fun and you stick within that amount, he can't complain! You can even make use of the Monzo pots.

I’ve edited your post title to ‘Husband a shit’. Less wordy, same sentiment.

Oh, sorry I didn't see this before I posted a jokey emoji earlier.

Hope all will be well, OP

Have you always been the highest earner OP?

Do you think him moaning about your finances is his way of keeping you in line/controlling you because he feels inferior/small man syndrome at not even earning half what you do?

FWIW mortgage free at your ages and with £61k savings, you are in a fantastic financial position and he’s the one chatting shit.

You’re also a better person than me, I would be clapping back with “go earn some more money then” whenever he’d bring up the topic 😂

I would agree with him, and ask what he is going to do about it.
maybe a 2nd job for him then he could get a ' buy to let ' mortgage...

Jesus , he doesn’t know what he’s about . Tell him about my neighbours, a 45-year-old and a 42 year-old ,two kids age 5 and 2. No savings in the bank, live pay to pay . Need to borrow sometimes from relatives. No house , will rent forever. Of course , their life choices . You are doing fantastic.

(Repeating my post because the previous version was auto-hidden, presumably because I mentioned the B-word)

Regardless of your objective situation (which seems pretty good to me), it's a bit worrying that he seems to be fixated on the past. Even if you were indeed on your uppers, this wouldn't be very helpful, unless perhaps you were proposing to buy yet another pair of Gucci shoes to go hill-walking in, or however it was that you got into that situation. You can hardly be expected to buy a time machine (and he's probably veto the expense, ha ha), so what is the point of his criticism? And whose fault is it that you didn't buy 100 (B)(i)(t)(c)(o)(i)(n) for £350 in 2012, which would be worth £8 million now?

You're in an incredible position for your age.

You don't have a money problem, you have a husband problem. He's a negative misery-guts. I was married to one of those, too. They suck every bit of pleasure out of life.

He’s ashamed of earning less than you and doesn’t like the feeling so he’s unconsciously projecting the discomfort on you. He sees you being comfortable with the financials and he can’t help messing with your peace because he’s jealous of it.

They do?

You accidentally married a miser!
Someone told me once about people that are like him:
They become "accumulators" and anything that is accumulated is "theirs" and they want to hold onto it - sit on their little money pot as it were.
They also want to accumulate more, and more, and more. And the unfortunate result of this is that they forget to enjoy spending money on stuff that makes life very enjoyable.
Someone in your financial position should be enjoying life, not scrimping & being whinged at about money. I mean, not blowing money like there's no tomorrow - but there's a happy medium.

You are in a very healthy position. Your husband is being unreasonable. if he want's more stability he should get a 2nd job or look to get a salary increase.

If the worst happened - you got divorced or one of you became too ill to work you have a buffer or a healthy deposit. That's a great position to be in.

I personally wouldn't buy a buy to let. I don't think it is fair on people trying to get on the housing ladder.

You both need to find out what your pensions are worth currently. Then you can decide what you should be doing, likely it will be top up your pensions at this stage.

Financially you’re in a sound position.
The BTL proposal will commit you to a reduction in available funds and tie you down. He moans about you spending to restrict your life.

Imo for him money = your freedom and happiness which he doesn’t like.

I couldn’t live like this. You should be having the best of times. Either he STFU about money/your relationship or you seriously question if you want to continue with him.

You beat me to it - he’s talking absolute codswallop

Tell him to get a second job then!
for what it’s worth I think you’re in an amazing financial position. We are more ‘have fun’ than ‘save’ but still make sure we are secure.
£400k house with £140K mortgage, £15k savings. No pension for me, starting in Jan, husband has a decent pension. Spend at least £10k a year travelling. No flash cars and both paid off. Earn £70k a year between us and it is rising and will likely continue to do so

😀😀 As your husband earns so much less than you, maybe he ought to be the one doing the washing?

How on earth can he feel you're not in a good financial position? Is he aware of how most people live these days? I would give anything to be in your position. It's actually quite depressing to read about all you have and how it's not enough.

£200 to yourself seems quite low when you have over 100k joint and a 60k+ wage...is everything else being spent on your family/joint savings? Is your husband also getting similar (or less) for himself rather than more?
I might just be a little out of touch but like you I am higher earner in relationship and have no mortgage - but earn 40k, pay all bills except car and contribute jointly to grocery shop and still keep £800 in savings and £400 for personal spends. Only have 1 child who is currently a baby though!

If he wants a BTL, he can buy mine. I am getting rid as soon as I possibly can.

I agree

Why

I’m wondering if yr H is the sort of person who would never think enough is enough. I mean what figure would make him happy?

Is he a negative thinker who is basically dissatisfied with life in general, incapable of seeing or finding contentment in anything.

Both of you have done very well indeed, mortgage free, comfortable savings and two incomes, one a very good wage. He needs to give his head a good wobble, otherwise his dissatisfaction is going to get you down. I really don’t understand the cheek of him finding fault when he’s contributing half of what you are!!