Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

Honestly he sounds like a gaslighting dick. Your financial position is fine. The rest of the relationship sounds like a shitshow. Honestly you need to find a way to stop this now, or it will only get worse (I’ve seen people get older with horribly controlling miserly men running the finances and it is not pretty).

I think I would try asking him to set out a plan of what he sees as a strong financial position and then for him to go away to think about how you can get there with EQUAL contributions from both of you (I.e he needs to get a better paid job). If this doesn’t work and he’s still whittling on about it, I’d just shut the conversation down with a standard phrase “yes you’ve said this before, as you know we hold different views, I am very happy with our financial situation and have no intention of changing things at the moment. So there is no point in discussing it again.”

But, honestly, 2 decent holidays in 10 years and this crap at home, I think I’d bin him off and start having some fun.

I'm not sure if this is a stealth boast and you're trying to gauge what people think of your situation - which I get - because anyone thinking your situation is shit would be bonkers.

By comparison, me and DH are 55 & 53 :

House worth £325k with a £24k mortgage.
£55k savings
£142k due in Pension lump sums in 2027.

We earn £95k per annum (between us). No bonuses.

We feel really well off. And believe me, we have been poor, so we really appreciate what we have now. We would be doing better than this if there wasn't a nasty divorce of mine.

We take lots of holidays - have 3 long hauls coming up, over the next 12 months. Seems crazy to have money and not spend it - within reason. Otherwise what is all this work and saving for??

I was reading just this morning about a lady who just retired and died a few days later. It's rather sobering.

And I bet your kids will wonder when they are grown up "Mum and Dad had all that money, but never took us on holiday". Do you really want them thinking that??

I think this is very insightful. As, otherwise, on the face of your position and your relative earning power, your husband’s stance makes no sense.

I think you need to straight out ask him to reflect on what his issue is and then communicate it clearly.

If he’s so bothered about it, he should pull his finger out and get a new better paid job. He should be leaning into his career, not berating OP. Because right now, he’s being a CF.

You have a husband problem, not a financial problem.

I would bet he feels emasculated by earning less money than you. Knows that you have done an amazing job overpaying on the mortgage and so these little comments are a way for him to put you back in your place, make him feel better about himself.

Call him out on it EVERY time. “We’re doing bloody great, I don’t know anyone else our age living mortgage free!”

Well he is the one who needs to earn a bit more. You are doing great bringing around £70k including bonus! Plus you are the one paying more into your pension.

To have no mortgage in your early forties is a great position to be in especially given current mortgage rates. He needs to give his head a wobble as @Onthemaintrunkline says as the average age of first time buyers is 33. Plus you are building up savings and pensions.

Wow you're so well off!! And you've done really well to be in your situation so young... hubby sounds like a grumpy old man!! As for a Btl, they're not all they're cracked up to be... lots of maintenance needed and tenants to deal with.. you need a lot of luck in the Btl game.
Keep doing what you're doing.... and tell hubby to up his game or go away with all his negative thoughts, so you can enjoy your great lifestyle with the kids.
Xxx

Wow you're so well off!! And you've done really well to be in your situation so young... hubby sounds like a grumpy old man!! As for a Btl, they're not all they're cracked up to be... lots of maintenance needed and tenants to deal with.. you need a lot of luck in the Btl game.
Keep doing what you're doing.... and tell hubby to up his game or go away with all his negative thoughts, so you can enjoy your great lifestyle with the kids.
Xxx

He's ridiculously privileged to think your situation is shit
You've savings, no mortgage and best part of £100k income a year.

We slightly older than you with similar income, and minimal childcare costs still have £250k on mortgage and £16k in savings foolishly relying on Inheritance to pay off mortgage. We aren't lamenting our situation.

To sit on the fence a tiny bit.

Does he have a poor background?

Both myself and OH do, and it creates money dismorphia, which we are trying to manage.
We're able to cope with quite an extreme budget, and have done so for a long time, on low to medium average wages. This is so we could pay mortgage off in chunks, and invest.

Is there scope for seeing if his mental health is being affected by anything particular. Ie is he aware of compound interest calculators, would that reassure him?

Is he paying things 50/50, even though he doesn't earn the same as you?
If the bills are proportional and fair then he's got nothing to worry about.

Please take yourself on holiday and the kids even if he doesn't want to. We've been very driven, but always been on stunning holidays, everyone has different priorities (I don't buy handbags, take aways, shoes etc). But we've started to loosen up now, I still don't see us as being safe, but the replies on here make me realise we are doing very well. But maybe like your husband it is hard to see it.

Hopefully you can run through figures with him and if his reaction to date has been poverty driven, and so long as his bill payments are not 50/50 when he's earning less, he'll relax some.

I wish. This is Mumsnet.

Yes. It's not always happily ever after. Some later in life 2nd marriages can be good though and at least you know what you are getting.

OPs assets are 550+ 61k. So around 600k if we round.

OP has 60k liquid savings.

That is 10%. It’s not in the context of mumsnet. It’s in the context of math and language that that’s ‘only’.

It’s the equivalent of driving a 55k car when you have 6k liquid or living in a 5.5 million house with 600k liquid. No matter what level of scale you want to go to it’s the same %.

You’re completely missing the point.

No matter what % it is, it’s more than a huge amount of people in the real world. That’s the point.

No I am not. I am not the one being influenced by the numbers here. You are.

I am saying it’s unbalanced. Regardless of the numbers. And that’s probably why the DP feels as he does.

I feel similar. We have about 250k equity and 10k savings. If we don’t address that then in 10 years time we will have 300k+ equity and 20-30k savings. The house is over 50% LTV. It feels secure. That doesn’t keep me up at night. Our lack of liquid savings do. We are a few disasters short of being at zero. That doesn’t feel secure or like we are doing ‘very well’. Even if we have paid off lots of the house.

As many have said it’s a perspective thing. Some people won’t mind having no savings and would prioritise the house being paid off. I am probably of the same mind as the DP who feels what’s the point in that if your worrying all the time about having no flexibility, no nest egg.

Theres not a right of wrong answer to this but considering there’s few on here who have this perspective I thought it’s important to try to explain in case this is what the DP is feeling.

We are in a similarish situation except we are 51, our house is worth around £400k, we have £50k in ISA's and £20k in savings. I have a good pension but dh has been self employed much of his working life or been in basic auto enrolment pensions. He also has a medical condition which means he can only work part time and may have to consider retiring early.

We think we are in clover. Since going mortgage free we feel we can splurge on nice things but still feel secure for our retirement.

Nailed it

About 30% of UK adults according to the FCA have £1000 or less in savings. Honestly £60k in the bank is a very fortunate position. Could it be optimised - sure, but it’s hardly a bad place to be.

Oh the irony! 😂

Op, Please don't assume "financial" abuse. It quite common to have spates when you are both adjusting to the new reality of finances with mat leave pay. It is a shock for both people, you for having to rely on him and him for having to be the sole earner.

You mentioned this month was tighter for him? If he runs his own business then he takes income but that might not always be possible if work is less. Does he completely separate his personal and business accounts?

My thoughts are, you shouldn't fall out over £77, it's likely not the actual money but deeper than that.

You both need to sit down and decide if it's realistic for you to be a sahm, given you imply he wants expensive holidays and new cars.

Then you need to plan the joint financial goals. He will need to have a sinking fund for when work is less and the family should have 6 months emergency savings, especially if he is self employed.

A joint account for bills seems the most sensible, with each of you having spending money. It should be possible you get to a position where there is enough in the joint account for £77 worth of babies supplies.

This man needs a reality check before he wrecks your head and your marriage.

No I don’t think you are in a shit financial position. Mortgage free in your 40s with £61k of savings and no debt is extremely unusual. Next time he says it tell him to get a better paid job then. I would focus on living today as well as preparing for the future. Holidays, meals out etc etc are important for making memories. Strange that he is giving you grief when you earn more than him.

I also would not touch BTLs with a barge pole. What we always did was divide disposable in three after all bills and expenses covered and personal spends for each of us. One third invested in stocks and shares ISAs, one third in medium term savings and spend one third on holidays, travel, concerts, theatre, meals out etc or house or car. That way you are living today while also saving for the future.

Yes of course you know you’re in a good financial
position. Being mortgage free is your biggest advantage and if I were you I’d be putting what you would have been paying in a mortgage away every month into a S&S ISA.

We are a similar age with children and earn less than you and still have a long way to go on our mortgage. We’ve enjoyed lovely holidays the past few years although we will probably cut back on a big holiday this year as we need to divert some money into the house instead.

We’ve taken a good look at our finances this past month or so and really nailed down our budget. I’m embarrassed to say we coasted along before without really knowing what we were spending or saving. But now we have a clearer idea what we are spending, and what we are saving for holidays, emergency fund, house, kids futures. retirement etc. I now actually know what is in my pension pot and what income I might get in retirement.

One thing that’s really helped me is the book How to Fund the life you want. I listened to the audiobook in the car on my commute to work and it was an eye opener!

Honestly, I’m a bit older than you with a higher income, still have a mortgage and don’t have £60k in the bank - you’re in a secure position.

if he’s that unhappy with your financial situation, he should look at what he can do to improve it I.e. earn more so he can contribute more now and to his pension. Or, really think about what you want from your marriage and have an honest conversation with him about you feel.

But honestly, live a little. Squirrelling away money for the future at the expense of living in the moment is no way to live. I don’t mean to sound scaremongering, but I’ve lost four family/friends to cancer in their 40s/50s recently, you really don’t know what’s around the corner. I’m not saying blow everything on fun times galore, but make sure you’re not missing out on life. I find the ‘making memories’ social media hashtag cringy, but I agree with the sentiment. Life is for living (sensibly).