Husband thinks we are in a "shit" financial situation, I genuinely don't agree

[Tungtungtungsahur]

Husband 43
Me 41
2 kids 6 & 9
House worth £550k in today's market, mortgage free. 4 bedroom detached with big garden, so big enough for kids as they grow

We took out the mortgage in 2014 when we first bought the house, house was £280k, mortgage was around £210k. Made overpayments over the last few years when interest rates shot up. Sacrificed a fair bit to achieve this, only 2 overseas holidays in last 10 years, 2 cars, both owned outright but 15 and 10 years old respectively. Kitchen needs doing up and house needs a spruce

Both have private pensions. I contribute about 9% monthly which employer matches. He does less, around 5% I believe. I've been working since 22 and have been in private employer pensions in all that time (not always as high as 9%though) , he only really got started around 10 years ago in his early 30s.

Cash in bank £61k

Nothing like ISAs for the kids yet but now we are mortgage free, we're hoping to plough the max amount into those for each of them

Husband keeps saying to me that we aren't in that much of a good position and that we could be in a much better position we if we made savvier business decisions like buying a buy-to-let when the prices weren't this high (neither of us have a crystal ball), or if I'd (yes I, not we) remortgaged at the start of the rates going up rather than paying that extra interest. My argument is that we haven't made any disastrous decisions that have cost us life changing amounts, yes we haven't made savvy investment decisions but we are mortgage free and can now use spare capital to do that - of course it would have been great to be in this position 10 years ago but that's the way the cookie has crumbled. I just feel blessed that we have what we have and we haven't just graduated uni now trying to get on to the housing ladder in this current economy.
I also feel like we have sacrificed enough, he rarely wants to go out for meals, barely any holidays here nor abroad. I make sure I take the kids out on day trips on weekends/school hols and anything that they want to do, but if it was up to him, we'd go nowhere except the local park. We have a Monzo joint account with the live debit card notifications and he's constantly light-heartedly commenting on any spending.

He's said this to me again tonight and I'm feeling really deflated. I earn significantly more than him but I never initiate these negative conversations about our financial situation- he's on £37k and I'm on £60k plus annual bonus which takes me to about £70k usually.

I have hated writing this because I KNOW we are fortunate and so many aren't, but he keeps saying it, it's really making me question everything.

He’s jealous and insecure about your earnings so trying to take some control and bring you down, to make himself feel better. You have done really well sacrificing so much for ten years to pay your mortgage off instead, and I admire wanting ti save for the kids, but you’ve all got to live a little,

id sit down and talk to him, say things are changing, no more little snide jokes about spending, you’re booking a holiday with the kids, he can come or stay home, and you’re taking them out to dinner at the weekend, again, he can come or stay home.

its your earnings op he’s trying to control how you spend. Not his.

Mid 30s. Not on property ladder yet. £1k in savings but DH has been made redundant and I don’t earn enough to cover our bills, even though I’m qualified and have a professional role. 😅 you’re absolutely fine, DH needs a check up from the neck up.

Defo recommend Rebel Finance School, lots of couples doing it.

He's living in a mortgage-free 4-bedroom detached house with £61k in savings on a wage of £37k and he's moaning about the household finances?

He's fallen on his feet and needs to shut up. He is in such a fortunate position but doesn't apprecciate it.

How condescending, and this whole post appears like a massive stealth boast.

Christ how do you put up with this misery OP. You should be enjoying the extremely comfortable position you are in … take the kids abroad, go out for nice meals and weekends away. That’s what money is for … who knows what is around the corner!

My DH has a different view of money to me … not to this extent, he’s not miserly. But his parents lived until their mid 80s so he does like to save and sort pensions out etc.

My dad died suddenly at 62 after putting everything off for retirement …

So sad that so many people can’t appreciate and take joy from what they have and focus only on what they don’t.
He’s one of the most fortunate people on the planet.
I would be very strongly emphasising that you have an equal say in your finances and you want to make the most of your lives for all your lives and not focus 100% on the future.
Agree with PP on budgets being put aside for ‘now’ stuff. Days out, holidays, fun.
He is lucky to have you. About time he realised it.

Why doesn't he get a better paying job if he is so 'worried' about your finances? Why is he moaning to you as though it's your fault when you make by far the biggest financial contribution? He sounds like a twat.

It's getting the balance right- no point of working hard and be mortgage free by sacrificing the family holidays. These golden childhood years of your children will fly fast ,please make memories with your children and enjoy life. Money is never be enough. If he is unhappy with 61k in bank and he will still be unhappy if has 200k in bank.

As it sounds like he doesn't enjoy life with what he's already got and presumably doesn't want you to, either, I'm assuming no amount would make him happy. You might want to remind him life is supposed to be for living as well.

To have paid off such a large mortgage in that time frame AND have tens of thousands in savings suggests a level of frugality I couldn’t get on board with, given your salaries.
Yes you need to plan for the future but remember -life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

Why don't you say it? You need to address this he's either just flexing as he secretly feels bad about earning less so bigs himself up by spending less. Or he is an entitled twat or should realise how lucky he/you are. I'd ask him if he resents me as that's how he's coming across. I'd also state simply and clearly that when he matches your earnings and pensions he can comment on your, very low level spending and he'll still be ignored as it's reasonable. You have all the power here stop allowing him to behave like this it's not reasonable

This.
We were financially great but my DH had the same complaint.
Turns out he had got himself a secret habit and we promptly lost the lot.

You're not in a bad position, you're in a very secure position. I could have written this post with almost the same numbers.

If you'd bought a buy to let, you'd have very little liquidity in future to help your children with eg. Weddings/uni and housing, also you'd be taking away housing stock for people to buy homes to live in with their families. It's not financially savvy, it's selfish and drives up housing prices for people ensuring they can never put themselves in the same position as your family.

In my opinion it's far better for your husband to invest in your SIPPs/ISAs/LISAs and load up your children's pensions and JISAs than to add in a buy to let, where the returns are often comparable to just investing the money sensibly (except long-term investing may have hugely reduced stress and uncertainty).

This post is an attempt only to gloat and make others feel inferior.

you know full well that your situation is good. You don’t need strangers on the internet to say that.

You are in a really good position - particularly given your income.

To have paid off your mortgage by 41 is very good and means a huge amount of spare money for further investment.

@Tungtungtungsahur your financial situation is fine. Your marriage is not but I suspect that's stating the obvious. Deal with it before the children get any bigger. Divorce is dreadful post 11.

buy to let can be a money sink if you get unlucky with property repairs and bad tennants.

your dc will need financial help if they decide to go to university. student loans don't cover all expenses these days and with some courses work is impossible. plan for that now.

I think you’re in a pretty decent position!
Far, far more stable than a lot of people.

Divorce him then he will appreciate what he had.

As you already know you have a good financial position. I would certainly keep improving it by putting money in your ISA and the usually into a cheap, simple ETF of the stock market (not financial advice but I think most people know over time the returns have been better and you don’t have to deal with the hassle of a BTL). But as you also know you’re problem is he is being a misery guts when you should also be enjoying your life in sensible ways. I’d probably be quite snide even if it’s not healthy - “I know you feel out of control with our savings so why don’t we swap to seperate accounts where we share the shared costs (house, kids, etc) 50/50 and then have the freedom to do what we want with the rest of our income. That will give you the freedom to save as much as you want of your income”.

You need to listen to the unsaid words. What he is actually telling you is that he is unhappy that you earn more than him.

Sounds like you want/ need a divorce.