I owe a friend

[Applebaby]

I am in a bit of a mess. I had some time off work with MH problems and my bills were mounting up. I borrowed money from my friend - £1600. I am back at work now, but only recently. She is asking for her money back and I’m finding it really overwhelming to pay all at once. I keep making promises to pay and breaking them and making excuses. I am due to pay her today after yet another excuse last week and I just don’t have it.

I am embarrassed and really low. I am worried it’s going to affect my MH again with the constant anxiety.

i want to contact her to ask if I can pay it back monthly to clear it and make it a bit more manageable. She has previously messaged me saying I am putting her under stress and making threats to come to my house with another family member.

can anyone advise how I go about fixing this? I really am so low

I wish people would read the whole thread, or at least the OP’s updates.
Well done OP on sorting a repayment plan.

I don't blame her. And it's irrelevant whether or not she has money. If you agreed to pay her back by a certain date, and you've not paid her back I'd be fed yo with you too. Use a credit card if you have to. But don't blame her.

Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t right

It isn't right. It makes no sense at all to blame someone for wanting their money back, while at the same time tsk tsking at someone for 'stealing' from Tesco.

Hope for repayment? This is literally the most nonsensical post I've read on MN.

The definition of a loan is "a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest."

As for your other 'theory', it very much depends on how 'desperate' the OP said she was as the majority of humans won't see someone else suffer more even if it means going without themselves.

Ok I’ll bite.
I said of course op should pay the money back BUT NOT 2 months after getting a job.
If she was so broke / unemployed to need to borrow that amount , it was
unreasonable/ and unlikely that the op could pay the money back within 2 months, of getting a job , and should be allowed to pay the money back in monthly instalments instead.
Which is actually what happened.
Do you understand now?
I’ve tried not to use any big words.

Ugh I hate your form of posting.

The OP ignored contact with her supposed friend which would make most people concerned that they would never see their money again. This was very possibly what led to asking for the money back along with the threat of calling to the OP's door.

It is very probable that the friend would have come to an arrangement if the OP had initiated the conversation before being chased and indeed that is what did happen as per the OP's update.

Therefore the poster you have written to in such a condescending manner was correct.

Being an online bully is much more scummy

What are you on about?
my form of post ?
I have been putting my point across to the aforementioned pp, who had ‘twice ‘ had messages to me removed for personal attack.
i wish I could be as eloquent, as some of the very kind , lovely posters, on here in the defence of their helpful advice.
but I do my best.
it was 2 months.
i challenge anyone who had been out of work , to find a spare £1600, in 2 months of returning to work.
of course op should not have avoided her friend.
of course op should pay her friend back.
And this is what is happening.
the only bulling going off here was the person threatening to go round to op’s house with a relative, to get her money back.
The morale of this tail is , never lend money you can’t afford to loose , because there is no guarantee you will get it back and it will destroy friendships.

Never borrow money off friends to pay bills. You could have come to an arrangement with the vendors instead of taking money from your friend that you probably knew you couldn't afford to pay back. Now it sounds like you have left your friend in a mess whilst YOU are sorted out.

I'm afraid you are a sh!t person to be fobbing your friend off. Ask her if you can go over and come to a repayment plan and stick to it. I'm afraid it's YOU that needs to live basic until that money is paid back.

Edit: I see you have come to an arrangement. Thats great.

Yeah agree - think the OP has had some unnecessarily shitty responses here. If she was just going to default and not bother repaying the friend then I doubt she’d come on here asking for advice…

OP is planning on repaying in instalments. Unless they have explicitly agreed friend would be repaid in full weeks after the loan was made then I think that’s fair - like you say, it’s a lot to magic up when clearly the OP is having financial difficulties (otherwise wouldn’t have needed a loan in the first place!).

Try not to borrow money again from a friend especially not from this one. I’ve read all your posts and you’ve had some harsh comments, even after you said you are paying in instalments.

Anyone watch Judge Judy or Judge rinder?. If you lend someone money you should really be setting up a payment plan or repayment due date as well as taking into account their finances.

If you knowingly give money to an unemployed person it’s a bit daft expecting them to pay the minute they get a job. It often takes people a few months of working to get back on their feet.

And Op hopefully you’ve learned a lesson from now on , if you do borrow again agree a schedule for paying it back. And if you can’t for whatever reason make that deadline, then let them know asap how much you can afford to pay back in instalments and pay that first amount quickly. Don’t try and give people the run around.

I understand why your friend was upset for you not being straight with her, and not having her moment back - but she is also partly to blame for the latter by not agreeing repayment terms and considering your financial situation BEFORE she lent the money.

why would you borrow so much and why complain about paying it back?

perhaps she is fed up with you because she doesnt feel you spent the money wisely?

I lent money to a 'friend' as she had lost her job and she told me she was having health issues. There are few buses in our area and it was £20 here and there for taxis from the hospital and once to put on the electricity. In the end it came to over £200 and she kept promising she'd pay it back when she got a job. Well she got a job, never paid and deleted all the messages. I work part time and we are on UC and it really stressed me out. I've accepted I'll never get it back and she's moved.

Why would anyone borrow or lend this amount of money and not have discussed the repayment terms - to avoid all of this.

I do think it’s unreasonable to expect you to pay it back 2 months later when you’ve only just started your job.

However you ghosting her and blaming anxiety is also completely unacceptable.

Why don’t you bank transfer it so you’ve also got a record of repayment?

Yeah just chalk it up to experience really. As a rule they say don’t give away any more than you can afford not to get back.

I had a childhood friend who I must’ve “lent” about £500 over the years. She would ask can I borrow X amount of money and if I was able to just write it off I’d send it to her and say pay it back if you can but don’t worry if you can’t. Spoiler: she didn’t pay a penny back on any occasion.

BUT I was never stressed about it as it was money I could afford not to get back. I had set my expectations of getting it back quite low.
I did eventually pull back from that as I felt she was relying on me too much considering she had a partner who should’ve stepped up.

And I did close the bank of Fileaafogg as it dawned on me I was basically subsidising her useless partner who spent all his money on weed - a situation she had accepted . She had also never worked more than 18 hours a week in her life despite her kids ranging from 9-14 and her partner did casual work and then they relied on benefit top ups, so I felt the situation was partly of their own making really. Her kids are now 13+ and she still doesn’t work full-time.

So now for me I would rather help a friend who was single - parent or otherwise - and making better choices.

@Fileaafogg totally agree! I think there were no taxis from the hospital and it was her partner's weed I was paying for! It was almost 2 years ago and her partner has been in prison for the last year for gbh. Anyway lesson learned!!

I think the issue here is lying to her when she asked for it back, instead of saying I can’t afford to pay all at once, I’m just starting back, can I pay 300 a month starting from x date, lying and saying you’d pay it then not paying it and keeping lying is the issue.

Look at where your local Credit Union is. I saw a presentation from them once and they are there to help with situations like this.

Ugh that’s so annoying, I feel this dynamic with the partner squandering money on weed happens a lot unfortunately :D

Yes we live and learn indeed!

A plan should have been in place prior to you taking the money.

However, this is (a tiny bit) on her to have this laid out as well - the terms and conditions of the loan.

I would be too in your friend's position. Set up a monthly direct debit

OP is lucky no interest. My bet is she won’t pay it back, but if she really means to then she should pay one slice back with diarised dates to pay the remainder. Can she sell something?

It is rare to know someone else’s financial situation, which may look rosier than it is. You’re making assumptions here to justify to yourself why it’s ok to default.