I owe a friend

[Applebaby]

I am in a bit of a mess. I had some time off work with MH problems and my bills were mounting up. I borrowed money from my friend - £1600. I am back at work now, but only recently. She is asking for her money back and I’m finding it really overwhelming to pay all at once. I keep making promises to pay and breaking them and making excuses. I am due to pay her today after yet another excuse last week and I just don’t have it.

I am embarrassed and really low. I am worried it’s going to affect my MH again with the constant anxiety.

i want to contact her to ask if I can pay it back monthly to clear it and make it a bit more manageable. She has previously messaged me saying I am putting her under stress and making threats to come to my house with another family member.

can anyone advise how I go about fixing this? I really am so low

That’s not right, I think you misread, she threatened to bring a family member after the op repeatedly lied and made excuses when she didn’t pay when she said she would. All the op had to do was say I can’t pay, can I do monthly, as she did now, and it was accepted. This isn’t the fault of the friend who kindly lent her a lot of money, it is the op’s for lying and letting her down.

Yes the OPs friend was a bloody idiot for lending her the money. To expect that person to pay it back so quickly was naive of her.

To OP - don't borrow off a friend ever again.

To the friend (and the rest of the world) - don't lend money you can't afford to write off.

Repeated lied after not paying it back when she said she would, that's not really true either, once again, how did the friend honestly think she's be able to pay back £1,600 within 2 months of being lent it? Her friend demanded it back as soon as she was back at work, how can you repeatedly lie in such a short period of time? She was only lent it 2 months ago, how much of that time was the Op actually back at work? Presumably the pay is every month, realistically I bet the friend asked for it back as soon as the Op was working even before her first payday. It's pretty obvious the Op lied due to being under pressure.

I would be too. Especially if you are thinking 'oh she won't go short so I'll pay it later'.

Doubt the friendship will survive this.

That's ridiculous 😂 The OP's friend lent her loads of money ... the OP is openly admitting to us that she lied about when she can pay it back... and somehow the money-lending friend is the bad guy, and the OP the victim?! Only on mumsnet 😅🤦🏼‍♀️

How much do earn a month? Its hard to say without knowing what is reasonable. How many hours do you work?

The friend should not of leant you £1400 hard lesson for you both to learn OP.

Repeated lied after not paying it back when she said she would, that's not really true either

How is that not true, @BusterGonad, when OP said herself that "I keep making promises to pay and breaking them and making excuses"?

FWIW I do agree that it might have been naive of the friend to expect quick repayment, but then we don't know the original story OP told her

Be honest, figure out what you can realistically pay back each month and set up a direct debit on pay day. Not much more you can do.

The money lending friend isn't the bad guy as such, but it's pretty shit to lend someone 'loads of money' and demand it back in one swift payment 2 months later within the first month of your friend, who's just suffered a mental health crisis, getting back to work. I certainly wouldn't do that, unless said friend had a well paying job and I knew that she could still afford her mortgage/rent, bills and to buy food for her family. I must, quite obviously, be the weird one here thinking that it's easily affordable and most must earn enough to have an extra £1,600 hanging around every month, after sickness leave too. Silly me.

How many excuses can be made within such a short space if time??? Obviously I've got it wrong and the Op should pay up immediately! She should use her overdraft... Get a bank loan..

Firstly, you need to stop avoiding your friend and don't make any more promises you cannot keep. If you don't feel able to speak with her then write her a letter - apologise to her and THANK her. Tell her how embarrassed you feel and how grateful you are to her for helping you when you desperately needed it. Tell her honestly how much you can pay her back each month until you're in a better financial position or the debt has been repaid, whichever comes first and STICK TO IT. Our children grow up and go off into the world soon enough.

It sounds like you need some practical help from Citizens Advice about debt management (some debts can be frozen or written off) as well as any support you may be entitled to. Reach out to Citizens Advice and any local charities like Home-Start who help families going through rough patches.

Our MH is an integral part of us, not a separate entity. Every time we respond to people and situations, we are making choices. The mind is a very powerful thing and learning how to assess and decide are vital life skills. Avoiding difficulties doesn't mean you're conflict averse or can't cope with confrontation, it's because you never learned how to deal with different situations, usually as a the result of a bad or negligent role model as a child. The good news is, it's never too late to change that. Good luck to you 🙏

I wouldn't say you'd got it wrong exactly, BusterGonad, just that we don't know what OP said about repayment. As mentioned upthread - and given that she's said that banks won't lend to her - she could even have pulled the old one about "expecting a big lump sum" as a bait, but I'm not going to assume that either because I wasn't there

What we do know is that, faced with having to pay, it's a well worn path for all kinds of excuses to be made and even reasons found to fall out with the lender to paint them in a bad light. OP's told us the first is true, and the second is why I wondered about the friend's "threatened" visit

Very true. We don't know the circumstances and the Op could've made things up to get the money. I guess I'm sticking up for the Op as I know how hard it can be to be stuck in a corner with no where to turn. Hopefully all ends well and both the Op and the friend can sort it out.

It was totally unreasonable and unrealistic of your friend to expect you to pay all you borrowed the second you went back to work. Repayment was surely part of the agreement? Am really glad you've managed to agree a repayment plan but electronic transfer via your bank as a formal record would be better or at least make sure you've got it in writing - even as a text as the bare minimum.

FYI - extortion - demanding money with menaces (threatening to bring a family member for a failed payment) is illegal under the Theft Act 1968. Just because you owe her money does not mean she can treat you like that. If she does this, you should call the Police.

Sorry, but this is hands down the worst reply and that's saying something because there are some real stinkers here.

Are you deliberately trying to give the OP a heart attack!?! Small claims court is for "goods or services" where a contract exists. NOT a private loan agreement between 2 friends!

That’s not actually true- as a last resort- and if they can prove the money was loaned - they can go to small claims court - even though it is difficult to prove and would take years. From what the OP has said about her ‘friend’s’ behaviour. I wouldn’t have put it past them to threaten it. Good to have all angles covered. https://www.netlawman.co.uk/ia/lending-friends-family?srsltid=AfmBOoq5hnqv043LRPmDMDzYmih-6pjqUNtPgD4UuXFjg6U7SUWNXqPc

You need to come forward with a payment plan which is affordable.

No excuses, no anxiety.

That’s immaterial. You owe your friend. So, work out a payment plan.

Bank transfer! Much easier.

OK , it’s good that you have made contact and made an agreement.

She must have known that you wouldn’t be able to pay the whole lot back as soon as you got back to work.

She will have been pissed off and unnerved because of your messing about and not being straight with her.

Make sure the agreement you have made IS possible for you, and pay her each month first, as soon as you get your pay.

Can you set up a standing order/ auto pay?

I hope things get better for you now OP. Money problems never get better by ignoring them!

@FormidableMizzPit is true it happened to me.

I hope you kept to the meeting last week and paid her back @Applebaby

I think that’s probably highly unlikely

Sounds like you destroyed your friendship.