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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
bombastix · 27/08/2025 21:59

You need a lawyer, not a financial adviser. He’s as good as told you.

He is also very unpleasant to you. Don’t imagine it will get better. Do you love him because it doesn’t sound like he does you.

Winter2020 · 27/08/2025 22:01

That sounds awful. I think it's time to tell your husband that school runs/childcare are his responsibility from September - he can do them or pay for a childminder to do them as you need to get back to work and start earning. Ask him how it feels to get to his age and not stepped up for his kids. Time for change.

Dabberlocks · 27/08/2025 22:01

I agree, it's a divorce lawyer you need.

Shakethedangertree · 27/08/2025 22:02

He’s going to leave you and is attempting to hide money. Claim some of that money and get a good divorce lawyer.

My only other advice would have been not to be so stupid 15 or so years ago but we see it every day on here

Nifty50something · 27/08/2025 22:03

That is absolutely awful. How is the marriage generally - do you love him and want to stay with him? Because if I were you I think I'd leave and take (at least) half and show him that's not his money - it belongs to both of you.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:05

@RachelBee How old are your kids and do you work? How long were you out of work for?

Btowngirl · 27/08/2025 22:05

Winter2020 · 27/08/2025 22:01

That sounds awful. I think it's time to tell your husband that school runs/childcare are his responsibility from September - he can do them or pay for a childminder to do them as you need to get back to work and start earning. Ask him how it feels to get to his age and not stepped up for his kids. Time for change.

Edited

This nailed it.

SpryUmberZebra · 27/08/2025 22:06

I’m sorry but your DH is a selfish dick, you’re married and should be sharing finances especially when one of you has taken a step back career wise to look after the kids and home. This is the issue and risk with being a SAHM or women stepping back in their career, it gives the man financial control and if he ends up being such a selfish man like your DH the woman is in a precarious situation when the kids get older and move out.

YANBU and you need to make it clear to him that if he pushes you away to the point of divorce you will get half anyway. You should be working together financially not this is his money alone while you’re struggling in overdraft and he has lots of savings.

I feel so frustrated reading your story and I hope it’s a message to other women out there, do, not give up your financial security for any man.

My advice is to sit him down and explain how unfair it is that he has had a successful career while you have had to look after the kids and home and how that has affected your career and earning potential, and how unfair it is for him to see his savings as only his and not wanting to see a financial advisor with you, and as I said earlier let him know if things get to the point of divorce he will lose half. Also start the ground work, make notes and get proof of everything, savings, earnings, investments etc so he can’t hide anything or lie.

i do hope you are able to work things out and reach a fairer agreement but jeez he is a dick.

Reminds me of men who expect their wives to continue to pay their share of the household bills while on maternity with little to no earning, feels like many marriages are just room mates sleeping together and having kids rather than true partnerships.

Frankly, I would be looking to leave but I know that’s easier said than done, and should be the last resort.

reyann · 27/08/2025 22:07

Did you make a joint decision for you to reduce your working hours over the years? I find it incredulous that he does not think you have any entitlement to the money he has earned when your career has taken a hit to raise the children and keep the household running. You are meant to be a family and he seems very individualistic.

Fragmentedbrain · 27/08/2025 22:08

You were daft to give up work without explicit provision but plenty do

Divorce him now

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:08

It all depends how.old her kids are? No reason to be out of work for years.

Showflake · 27/08/2025 22:10

This will only get worse. I’m pretty certain absolutely anyone who has been in a similar situation longer term will tell you this, I’ve NEVER heard of a situation like this that improves , they just get greedier and more resentful as they rewrite history and magically forget the sacrifices you made in the early years.

Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2025 22:10

It’s only common if you are married to horrible men. Real partners view all earnings as shared.

We pool our incomes. We both share equally in success and failure. We are financial
partners. If my husband thought otherwise, I would have never agreed to anything less than a completely equal split of child and household responsibilities. That would not have been the best thing for our ND child, but it would have been necessary.

You need to put your foot down. If it is his money, you can’t afford to be the caregiver another day.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:12

@Ponderingwindow I'm not sure the OP has an income so how can it be pooled? She refers to a career but think she gave this up quite some time ago?

sesquipedalian · 27/08/2025 22:14

”he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it.”

If it’s in a joint account, then legally half of it is yours, irrespective of who paid it in. If you took out half and bought an ISA in your name, would he have a fit? You need to tell him (as he seems not to understand) that marriage is a partnership to which you both contribute, and while he may earn the money, you look after the DC and run the house. He is a crumb, asking you how it feels to be overdrawn “at your age”. Ask him if he’s prepared to step up with the childcare so you can get a job in order to do the things you want round the house. It’s really not OK for your DH to humiliate you - you’re not his unpaid skivvy, and in a marriage, money should be for the good of everyone. I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH about just what he thinks marriage is, and why he thinks that you should have no say over financial decisions. OP, he’s being appallingly unreasonable, and you know this.

MeetTheGrahams · 27/08/2025 22:15

I'd be withdrawing half the joint account this evening. Put as much as you can into an ISA in your name, and if there is more, open a fixed interest account. Then all your half of the savings are locked away

Marriage and children are a joint enterprise. If you dont take control now, he will and will withdraw it all.

Tomorrow I'd be contacting a divorce lawyer. Remind him when you tell him that, you are entitled to a good share of his pension. And likely the house as part of the divorce settlement. And child maintenance and spousal maintenance until the youngest is 18.

That will rattle him nicely :-)

socialdilemmawhattodo · 27/08/2025 22:15

SpryUmberZebra · 27/08/2025 22:06

I’m sorry but your DH is a selfish dick, you’re married and should be sharing finances especially when one of you has taken a step back career wise to look after the kids and home. This is the issue and risk with being a SAHM or women stepping back in their career, it gives the man financial control and if he ends up being such a selfish man like your DH the woman is in a precarious situation when the kids get older and move out.

YANBU and you need to make it clear to him that if he pushes you away to the point of divorce you will get half anyway. You should be working together financially not this is his money alone while you’re struggling in overdraft and he has lots of savings.

I feel so frustrated reading your story and I hope it’s a message to other women out there, do, not give up your financial security for any man.

My advice is to sit him down and explain how unfair it is that he has had a successful career while you have had to look after the kids and home and how that has affected your career and earning potential, and how unfair it is for him to see his savings as only his and not wanting to see a financial advisor with you, and as I said earlier let him know if things get to the point of divorce he will lose half. Also start the ground work, make notes and get proof of everything, savings, earnings, investments etc so he can’t hide anything or lie.

i do hope you are able to work things out and reach a fairer agreement but jeez he is a dick.

Reminds me of men who expect their wives to continue to pay their share of the household bills while on maternity with little to no earning, feels like many marriages are just room mates sleeping together and having kids rather than true partnerships.

Frankly, I would be looking to leave but I know that’s easier said than done, and should be the last resort.

Edited

Please don't do this. No need for any lengthy conversation. Men really do seem to forget how difficult it is in the early years to raise families. Consult a lawyer now, and gain access to ALL financial paperwork. You will be better off now to divorce before all your children are adults. Sorry. Not ideal.

bombastix · 27/08/2025 22:16

Sorry but this is actual contempt. He is telling without saying it. I agree that he will hide money. Copy all the finances. Off to a lawyer pdq

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:17

Again, I'm not sure we are talking about the early years? I'd like to know how old the OPs children are?

HardworkSendHelp · 27/08/2025 22:19

Ah OP what a nightmare. Your husband is awful but as a mother of teens and I live in the countryside I can still work. I would def say you are going back to work ASAP. I couldn’t live like that. How cruel of your husband to have you using an overdraft and then saying such a nasty thing like you should be ashamed. We do all our financial planning as a team. I used to pay very little attention to our money but after a few years on Mumsnet I am actively interested as you never know what could happen.

Namechangeforthis88 · 27/08/2025 22:22

She says two teens to go and in a couple of years she'll go full time, so sounds like the youngest has two years left at school, and she can't go full time until as she has to do school run, as they live in a village.

I wonder is there really no alternative to school run? Bus, cycling, lift share? That is a huge bind.

I wonder if there was discussion about reducing hours and how that would work financially.

On the face of it though, financial abuse and op would be better off divorced.

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:23

There is no difference made in divorce law between earnings and work in the home. It makes no difference if he puts it in his name it’s still a joint asset in divorce. Your role is considered equal. Ignore questions about why you are in this situation the court is not interested in dissecting your marriage it would say you both accepted this split of labour and assume it was a mutual decision (given he hasn’t left).

If he won’t share the money with you and leaves you in debt that’s financial abuse.

You need to educate yourself about how assets would be split in divorce, you need to collect evidence of his earnings, savings, tax returns, pension etc and go get legal advice.
You should divorce him while your children are under 18 as your need to house them are higher now than when they are 18+

I actually wouldn’t say anything to him until you have evidence, understand the law and have an escape plan. Let him underestimate you.

The alternative to divorce is you stay and watch him enjoy a comfortable retirement while you go without or he leaves you as soon as the youngest child is 18 and argues you only need a 1 bed retirement flat and hides the money.

Wake up, get angry, get educated and get organised. give yourself the advice you would give your child if they were in your situation.

Minnie798 · 27/08/2025 22:23

How old are you now op? How old are the children? It sounds like they may be teenagers, you do not need to be available for school runs. Obviously your dh is an a* for viewing all the money as his ( it won't be seen that way in a divorce) and for saying the things he has said to you about the overdraft etc. You should prepare for a future without him.

CopperWhite · 27/08/2025 22:25

Has he expressed a wish for you to be contributing financially before now?

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:26

@BigCity And if father applies for 50/50 custody. How will things look like then financially? Both will "need" the house equally. He could also argue OP could be working.