When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

The single best thing you can do to
protect your stake in the family assets and money is divorce this man - but only after getting copies of all accounts and financial paperwork. Don’t tell him you are doing so. Just collate everything and see a lawyer, then serve him divorce papers when you have your ducks in a row. Any form of staying with a man like this is going to end in misery. Don’t let him get ahead of the game by hiding money and assets or guessing that you are done.

@Robin67 I agree wholeheartedly but you have said it far more succinctly than me!

I agree they don't need supervision in the school holidays.

But...we live in a rural location and they still need me to a taxi if they want to get out. I think there is also some guilt there as I returned to full time work when they were little so DH could get more qualifications to progress his career and I'm probably still making up for that time.

I am also practically full time. I should have clarified that my actual work that I get paid for is what I consider part-time work. But I also help with his accounts which can also be up to two days a week. And then it's the housework.

But now I'm definitely thinking I need to get a job out of the house and they'll have to organise themselves...

@RachelBee Also, don't take it from your DH that being there for your teenagers is on you alone. Does he spend any time with them?
Is your eldest having driving lessons? My son loves his car and drives himself everywhere now.

Do this. And take photos or copies of all bank statements and other financial info.

Also, tell him you're no longer able to do two days of unpaid work for him. He'll need to pay you a reasonable hourly rate for that or he can find someone else, who will be more expensive, to do it.

Can you move £20,000 into an ISA tonight? Youll know all you need to know by his reaction before breakfast

I've always worked and have never been a full time SAHP aside from maternity leave.

I think because I work from home and the 'paid' work is part time and I don't earn the wages he does I look like a freeloader in comparison.

I too wouldn't want anyone doing nothing when the kids are at school but that is the time that I work.

OP, say nothing yet.
This is not a good man.
Just another pig that has financially abused you for years.

Get advice. Get onnto Women's aid, citizen advice and get a divorce solicitor recommendation.

Get every bit of paperwork you can.
Photos of it and email to yourself.

House information, bank accounts, pensions and savings.

Get ahead of it.
Your marriage is over.
He certainly doesn't love you.

Don't waste time trying to fix him.
Start planning so that you get every penny you can.

Yet you still cannot fathom how restrictive it can be for some. You may live rurally too but you may have completely different infrastructure and facilities as to the OP. I've lived most of my life rurally, in different places and it varies massively. Some areas have schools a short walk away, other places it's a one hour journey away, some have buses, some don't. You cannot say that just because you can make it all work that everyone else can. Besides, Op DOES work, you keep missing that point.

This is a good idea OP. I would do this! IANAL though so check with one that it won't cause you problems later on if you pursue divorce.

This is a bad man.

He's made it impossible for you to go back to work by
a. not taking his half - yes, a full half - of ALL the childcare/parenting/mental load/planning/organising
b. requiring you to work for him unpaid 1 to 2 days a week.

You may have agreed this between you because it fitted with your idea of doing the best for your (joint, of course) kids - and has suited him to have a nanny / cleaner /cook / admin who has sex with him.

Now he is treating you like a freeloader rather than as someone who has enabled him to earn the high income he is currently planning on keeping all to himself.

Ignore the misogynists (either overt or internalised) who pretend that gender roles don't exist.

A judge will see that you have built the financial position he considers his alone together.

Get ready for a fight - as I said, this is a bad man.

DON"T under any circumstances tell him what you really think of him until you have done everything that the divorce lawyer tells you to do in the way of documenting the true financial position via screenshots and copies of letters etc.

He will absolutely fight like the sneaky little misogynist he is. Be one step ahead.

But teenagers do need care, Inside of normal working hours. They are actually quite vulnerable. Do you have teenagers? Probably more support needed than most other ages. To ensure they stay on the straight path.

My father waited until his final child with his second wife (I was from the first) had finished A levels then divorced her. He’d been planning it for years but didn’t want to have to deal with paying child maintenance again after he’d finished paying the paltry sum he gave DM for me.

I was not his wife’s biggest fan but he really screwed her over, because she too had gone part time and not kept up her career. You need to start prioritising you. If you’re married and being a SAHM was your agreement then he needs to involve you in financial decisions—your labour and time were your contribution.

If you can move 50% of that joint account into yours tonight, do it.
Any aggression from him, call the police.

Ah ok, I understand now. Still he is being a tool to you either way and you need to protect yourself

Start invoicing him for your work.
He's an a**hole.

@ReadingSoManyThreads Not paid work. She does her husband's accounts for free a couple of days a week (which she should tell to stick up his bum). She has far more earning capacity and should be utilising that in order to help her and the teenagers should she decide to leave.

@socialdilemmawhattodo I do. Three kids - 17, 15 and 5.

I think you've made your point clear - several times.

He’s financially abusing you. What you do next is up to you but it’s not looking good. Sorry. 💐

Why in earth do some people just pick out bits they don’t like to hear

The OP is asking us do we think what her DH is doing sounds/is right/ok
Not about how many hours she works part time
There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving your kids a lift to school (hundreds do it daily)
school bus fares are an added cost. She also only takes them in the Morning
But this is getting of the subject and I sound as bad as some in hear!

The only question is what her DH is doing financially to her nothing else

The OP has posted updates no fewer than six times to say she has always worked. As well as the unpaid accounting.

@RachelBee you are correct. One ISA per person up to £20 K per year limit.

This.

Play dumb for now and get some solid legal advice.

I think he’s planning to leave you. I’m so sorry.