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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
suki1964 · 28/08/2025 00:01

Sorry but your husband is being a complete and utter selfish greedy fucker

I had to stop earning in 2000, my partner ( now DH ) was the earner. I had no income at all, no sick, no dole, nothing We had a joint account

I will admit that like you I felt guilty about dipping into it for my own personal wants - end of the day though, like you , whilst I wasnt out earning, I was saving him a fortune in child care ( he had two kids ) admin, housekeeping etc etc etc

Since that time my work/earning has been sporadic , Now at the moment Im working 20 hrs on NMW on a contract, mostly since 2000 its been zero hours and lots of time of not working

We still have the joint account and I now have my own accounts , his money in the joint, mine in mine

Never once in 35 years have we argued about money because no matter who is earning it, it's OURS.

I just paid off a loan he took. Im not saying he has to pay me back, because not paying out monthly means we are both better off - why pay interest when savings are getting sod all and all that

As a husband and wife we pool our finances . If we were ever in the position of having money for ISA's now, we would max them in each name ( we did in the past when we had money ) it wouldn't have occurred to either one of us to circle the money in one name or the other

What's his is mine and vice versa and we use every tax break we can to maximise what we keep - Im a non tax payer so give him part of my allowance - because it makes us both better off

RenovationNightmare · 28/08/2025 00:01

Clearly your DH is selfish, but it suspect he's been like this for some time - angry you ignored it. If I were you you I'd get back to work now and look to share annual and sick ok/sick leave with your DH.

Panama2 · 28/08/2025 00:03

Get your half of the money out of the joint account and into an ISA. As you do his accounts are you aware of all his income and where it is along with any other financials. Get copies of everything definitely see a solicitor along with the financial advisor.

Tell your husband he is a dick

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 00:04

@echt Because most MNetters apparently think not working for literally years after having a baby is reasonable. I disagree!
I am not for one second saying that how the OPs husband is treating her is OK - in fact, I think she should leave him.
But she has made things very difficult for herself by unnecessarily giving up her career for so long. And he has so much power now financially.
Women need to work to protect themselves from men like this (men like my ex-husband!)

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/08/2025 00:06

@everychildmatters

It doesn't hurt to ask.

My solicitor put it in my divorce. and I was pleased that it was worded ' further and / or higher '
admittedly it was only for one child.

Tangit · 28/08/2025 00:08

Namechangeforthis88 · 27/08/2025 22:22

She says two teens to go and in a couple of years she'll go full time, so sounds like the youngest has two years left at school, and she can't go full time until as she has to do school run, as they live in a village.

I wonder is there really no alternative to school run? Bus, cycling, lift share? That is a huge bind.

I wonder if there was discussion about reducing hours and how that would work financially.

On the face of it though, financial abuse and op would be better off divorced.

He sounds like the type who wants her to be a SAHM to allow him freedom and work opportunities.
But now resents her slightly and thinks that everything (including the house, I imagine) is HIS. Men like this are knobs.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/08/2025 00:08

This is not a marriage and he doesn't care about you. You have earned it. You gave up your career to have his children and look after everything and here he is treating you like an unpaid servant.
Get a divorce, take your half of everything and dump this fool. You can have a great life on your own and you are worth more than this.
I'll bet if you had continued to work full time with the children he would not have done his share of the grunt work.
He is a piece of shit. I wouldn't let anyone treat me like this. I divorced my miserly husband. Good riddance.

JenniferBooth · 28/08/2025 00:15

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:29

It's not the role of either a husband or wife to permanently support someone else financially when they could be working. What if this was the other way around?

Yeah the only wedding vow that seems to be respected on MN is to keep you only unto them

In sickeness and in health, For richer for poorer......................not so much

sittingonabeach · 28/08/2025 00:16

He’s financially abusing you. Why aren’t you paid for the work you do for him, especially as it takes up time every week, it’s not just the odd hour every month or so.

JenniferBooth · 28/08/2025 00:17

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:56

@Anyahyacinth Except teenagers don't need childcare. The OP is choosing not to work.

Thats funny cos i remember someone getting roasted on the step parents board for not being home in time to cook for a 14 year old CHILD
Good ol MN hypocrisy

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 00:21

@JenniferBooth My own personal opinion is both parties should be financially contributing if possible (as is the case here). This also covers them both should the marriage dissolve. It helps to maintain a healthier balance. Also of course along with that comes fairness in terms of housework and childcare etc.
As for those vows...I'm married but these weren't vows we took!

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 00:22

@JenniferBooth Well that is also ridiculous! What's the betting it was a stepmother who was roasted too?!!

LeopardPants · 28/08/2025 00:25

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:23

There is no difference made in divorce law between earnings and work in the home. It makes no difference if he puts it in his name it’s still a joint asset in divorce. Your role is considered equal. Ignore questions about why you are in this situation the court is not interested in dissecting your marriage it would say you both accepted this split of labour and assume it was a mutual decision (given he hasn’t left).

If he won’t share the money with you and leaves you in debt that’s financial abuse.

You need to educate yourself about how assets would be split in divorce, you need to collect evidence of his earnings, savings, tax returns, pension etc and go get legal advice.
You should divorce him while your children are under 18 as your need to house them are higher now than when they are 18+

I actually wouldn’t say anything to him until you have evidence, understand the law and have an escape plan. Let him underestimate you.

The alternative to divorce is you stay and watch him enjoy a comfortable retirement while you go without or he leaves you as soon as the youngest child is 18 and argues you only need a 1 bed retirement flat and hides the money.

Wake up, get angry, get educated and get organised. give yourself the advice you would give your child if they were in your situation.

I think this is great advice. OP your husband sounds like a selfish prick - likely to only get worse. Gather as much info as you can so he doesn’t have you in the divorce. Good luck!

Mix56 · 28/08/2025 00:28

You need to get angry. He doesn't want to share?
Really ? So charge him for his accounts, stop all jobs involving his needs, he can do it. Stop doing all his shopping, cooking, clearing up
Fuck him & his giant important misogynistic dick.
Speaking if which, He can take care of that alone too

Shewasafaireh · 28/08/2025 00:30

Has there ever been a conversation about you getting paid for helping with his accounts? Even if working for a relative, pay should be expected.

It’s besides the point now but I’ll say this til I’m blue in the face: being a SAHP is a bad deal for us women. It just is. Let the men do it if they’re so adamant it’s needed.

JenniferBooth · 28/08/2025 00:30

@RachelBee Im sorry you lost your dad last year. I lost my dad last October He had prostate cancer. I miss him very much and am still struggling.
My DH paid for my dads wake. Because DH is in poor health and couldnt attend the funeral so that was his way of doing something for my dad. how has your H supported you through your grief?

JenniferBooth · 28/08/2025 00:32

everychildmatters · 28/08/2025 00:22

@JenniferBooth Well that is also ridiculous! What's the betting it was a stepmother who was roasted too?!!

i posted on that thread that when i was 14 i was babysitting other peoples kids

lanadelgrey · 28/08/2025 00:34

Make sure you do some financial digging so you have a proper idea of his finances. See if you can find or prove records of your accounting work. Don‘t do anything retaliatory until you have ducks in a row.
Work out if you are going to consider a divorce. He can put money into an ISA but when it comes to a financial settlement, everything goes into the divorce pot.
My dsis was in a similar position, also in 50s with similar thought process of thinking where she stood after DCs starting heading to university, but when it came to the divorce it was divided down the middle. Her ex could not have earned what he did without Dsis doing all the home work and child rearing so settlement reflected that. The controlling ex was not happy, especially about his pension

99bottlesofkombucha · 28/08/2025 00:35

Op, I beg you. Today you tell him now that you know he earns his money for him not the two of you, you need to be back paid for however many years of accounting support, you can’t do his books as of today, and he has to do the school pick up next week and taxi for <“list 3 afterschool activities> plus dinner those nights as you’ll be busy job hunting. This will be ongoing now you know you’re financially separate, please back pay me by Saturday, don’t make me consult a lawyer to see if they would assess all my work for you as an implied contract. I need to fund an Isa for my future and you need to do some actual parenting and housework as I’m not your free labour.

PoolHog · 28/08/2025 00:39

This is financial abuse. You need to see a solicitor but before he’s aware also gather any information / paperwork about his finances.

snackatack · 28/08/2025 00:39

Calculate how much all the childcare costs - calculate how much a cleaner and chef would charge for what you do - and invoice him.

Tell him, he needs to pay you the short fall of what you are saving him.

They are his kids and you are not a freeloader

Robin67 · 28/08/2025 00:42

snackatack · 28/08/2025 00:39

Calculate how much all the childcare costs - calculate how much a cleaner and chef would charge for what you do - and invoice him.

Tell him, he needs to pay you the short fall of what you are saving him.

They are his kids and you are not a freeloader

Are they not her kids too? And her home? Should she not invoice him for half?

BeltaLodaLife · 28/08/2025 00:42

Divorce divorce divorce.

Usually the worry about divorce is that you’ll be worse off, but you’ll be better off. You’ll have half the assets at least, which he currently isn’t going to let you have access to. So you’ll walk away with savings and a house/money for a house. And some of his pension. Which he isn’t going to share if you stay married.

Get out. And if that is a joint account; an account with both your names, then take your half out of it. You are absolutely allowed to withdraw all the money if you want. See a solicitor, but plan to get your share of the money out if it. If you’re worried he’ll hide or spend it then take it all to keep safe so it can be divided in the divorce.

GlitteryRainbow · 28/08/2025 00:44

My husband was exactly the same. They don’t realise that they are able to earn that much as we are enabling them by looking after the children and doing everything else. I’d charge him back pay for being a nanny and housekeeper if I were you and see what he says.

PoolHog · 28/08/2025 00:46

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:21

This is a point I've been trying to make to my husband for so long.

I'm sure he also thinks that my helping him with his accounts which takes up 1-2 days a week isn't actual work either as it's unpaid.

Show quote history

He knows it’s valuable, that’s why he throws his toys out of the pram when you suggest working more so that he needs to do more. He just doesn’t want you to feel like it / or you is valuable. The more I read of your posts the worse he sounds (and he was divorce material in the first post).