When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Well done OP for getting angry and wanting to meet this situation head on. I know it is very hard. It’s a cautionary tale for all women on here, so many of whom take for granted that their loving DH will always have their best interests at heart.

Contrary to some advice on here I would exercise a lot of caution and quietly go about getting your ducks in a row. He sounds like the sort of arsehole who will hide money to prevent you getting what you are entitled to. Also start charging him for accounting. You can do that without causing too many queries I think. If you are not sure, don’t! Good luck. Please update us after you have seen a lawyer. We are cheering you on.

Your husband sounds awful, my DH earns the vast majority of the money coming into our house, I work part time.
The only time I take money out of the joint account is if I run out of money in my account or if the kids need a big purchase. I refer to the money in the joint account as my DH money and he gets really cross and says it ‘our money’ and wishes I would just use it as I would my account, but I don’t like to as he pays all the bills bar a few minor ones.
The only reason your DH is able to accumulate so much is because you have sacrificed so much. I would be getting back into work asap and looking to seperate because he’s being financially abusive

Good luck OP.

I hope he either mends his nasty freeloading ways (they generally don’t) or you get the freedom you deserve from being seen as an unpaid PA to manage his every need.

I second this.

I third it.

I too agree about keeping the ducks quiet while you are getting them in a row.

Anger is good but don't let it cloud your vision.

Stop spending two days a week in his accounts for free. If he wants it done, he either pays a bookkeeper or pays you to be his bookkeeper.

Send him a bill for the child rearing and household management you’ve carried out over the years

I have just got divorced from a man like this.

Accounts are a red herring to give yout the illusion of some control.
He has hidden loads. You will be shocked.

DO NOT tell him you plan a divorce and plan it asap. Today. 2 years minimum timeline with a man like this. He will contest everything.

DO NOT GET A JOB.

SAY NOTHING AT ALL.

Play dumb and see a lawyer, now.

He is 2 years off divorcing you.

No advice to add, just wanted to echo PPs' sentiments that I am SO SICK of these 'Me Big Man Big Job' arseholes. And also to sellotape your ducks' beaks shut while you corral them.

He seems to think you're a weak, silly woman who'll just submit.

DISAPPOINT HIM.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but is there a possibility that he's found someone else? Would that explain his sudden wish to hang on to all his money?

You need to stop using the term 'freeloader' in reference to yourself as if it had any legitimancy. It's deeply offensive - you have played a full part in the families finances by meeting your families childcare and life admin needs.
Stop allowing your brain to acknowledge any truth in it. If you must allow the word in your brain, turn it around -- it's your DH who has been the freeloader, leeching off you for childcare and running the home. Services that would cost a lot of money if you were not doing them. He's a user and a leech. Tell yourself that ever time the word 'freeloader' pops into your brain. Or he uses it.

OP I'm sure this has been said, but don't let anyone suggest you've been a 'freeloader'. Looking after people, whatever their age, is crucial work (yes, work, ffs) without which society couldn't function. And teenagers can be much harder work than younger kids.

Your husband is bang out of order. It sounds like he never had a 'what's mine is yours' approach, unfortunately. I'm sorry you're having to confront him being so unsympathetic, now that you're through the hard slog of childrearing and caring for parents - that he could ignore because you did it for him. It's really sad in a way.

Here's hoping he wakes up and remembers/develops a more decent self. If not, lawyer up. All the best.

I once worked out how much money it would have cost if all the things I had done had been outsourced: child care, taxiing, cooking, cleaning, domestic admin work, laundry etc. Imagine if he had had to pay for all of that -- how much would that have cost?

There is. Divorce, buy a house near the school so they can walk, go back to work FT.

Equally support moving 50% of the joint savings into your own name, and consulting a divorce lawyer with the first £1000.

It is shameful that you are overdrawn just for covering the school holidays. You should also cover that off out of the joint account.

Hi can I suggest getting the 17 year old car insurance and putting him on your insurance. There are also jobs with a lot more flexibility these days. I am a SAHM and looking to go back to work but I am going to go freelance initially- it sounds like you already have book keeping/accounting skills - perhaps sign up to a course to upskill in the short term and start picking up some work. Don’t do your husband’s accounts anymore - he should be paying you for those! Does he have his own business? Have you been paying National Insurance towards your pension?

Terrible advice. The minute she discloses to him "she's angry and going to see a lawyer" he will start hidind assets and cutting her access to accounts. She needs to stay quiet, go to a lawyer, get proffesional advice, make photocopies of ALL his assets and bank accounts, make a plan, quietly get duck in row then disclose him that "the marriage is not working for her".

That can’t actually be done, I have discovered recently as I have given up work temporarily to care for my autistic DD. You can only pay into a pension what you yourself have earned. So if, like me, you are earning bugger all…

OP, you have provided free childcare (enabling this man to work) household management, life admin and actual business support for this man and you'll have lost our on career progression, your own money and pension contributions because of it. You are entitled to half of everything. I would go see a divorce lawyer for advice (not suggesting that's the next step but just to know your rights) and stop providing your services for free immediately.

When he says we will have to sell the house, agree with him and make sure you get half the money in an account in your own name. Wouldn't trust him based on what you've said. Also rubbish about you not legally being able to have an ISA. Never heard anything of the sort. Also half the money in that joint account is yours. Take it and put it in your own name, before he does. Good luck with everything OP.

Also apologies, I haven’t RTFT but similar circumstances were one of the reasons I divorced my ex. I just wanted to add incase nobody else had, you won’t ever get him to understand your point of view regarding the decades of unpaid child-rearing that enabled him to build his career, but we all know. You will waste your breath trying to justify it to him. Don’t bother, just stay angry, go after what you, and everybody else knows, is rightfully yours.

OP this is excellent advice from BigCity pls follow it exactly. Do not say anything until you have all the info.

Have you noticed any other changes in him?

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating

Oh @RachelBee This is awful!

A marriage is meant to be a joint commitment to each other. The money he earns is for all of you. I think the only way his behaviour could be seen as reasonable is if you didn't have children and you didn't work and just sat around at home, or were out shopping all day spending all the money he brings in. But you aren't. You are working at bringing up your children and running the household.

Big discussions need to happen, and soon, so you know which way your future is going to go

I agree. And I'd add getting a forensic accountant in. He's not going to be upfront about his assets, I bet he'll try and hide them.

He is a very unpleasant individual. So sorry you are not appreciated and valued as you deserve to be.

Correct. He got you into this position sneakily OP and you have to sneak your way out of it. Keep doing the accounts. That way you know about the finances. Be super sweet. See a lawyer.

This man is arrogant. It is not comfort to you to know that it usually ends with the ex wife having a better time financially but the divorce is tough. The more you do before you announce you will be divorcing him the better. Getting a divorce is like running your own business. Invest in you, this man is in it for himself.

Seen it many times, the guy usually regrets it. A last flush of testosterone to the head, he tells his wife she’s NBG after child rearing and sets his life on fire. 10 years on usually he will have regrouped either with a twenty yard stare of regret or have doubled down and wondering why he’s regarded like toxic waste with the kids.