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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
ksbeikeb · 27/08/2025 22:27

He is financially abusing you. You would be better off getting a divorce. He sounds deeply unpleasant, not much of a husband!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/08/2025 22:28

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:23

There is no difference made in divorce law between earnings and work in the home. It makes no difference if he puts it in his name it’s still a joint asset in divorce. Your role is considered equal. Ignore questions about why you are in this situation the court is not interested in dissecting your marriage it would say you both accepted this split of labour and assume it was a mutual decision (given he hasn’t left).

If he won’t share the money with you and leaves you in debt that’s financial abuse.

You need to educate yourself about how assets would be split in divorce, you need to collect evidence of his earnings, savings, tax returns, pension etc and go get legal advice.
You should divorce him while your children are under 18 as your need to house them are higher now than when they are 18+

I actually wouldn’t say anything to him until you have evidence, understand the law and have an escape plan. Let him underestimate you.

The alternative to divorce is you stay and watch him enjoy a comfortable retirement while you go without or he leaves you as soon as the youngest child is 18 and argues you only need a 1 bed retirement flat and hides the money.

Wake up, get angry, get educated and get organised. give yourself the advice you would give your child if they were in your situation.

100% this. And if he tries to suggest 50/50 that’s fine, but you still get 50% of the assets, sell the house get half each, half of all savings, pensions etc. OP will still be better off individually than if she’s afraid to use money in their joint account. He’s financially (and I’d say most likely emotionally) abusing you. Please get legal and financial advice asap.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:29

It's not the role of either a husband or wife to permanently support someone else financially when they could be working. What if this was the other way around?

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:30

@SnowflakeSmasher86 He's likely hidden that.

mynameiscalypso · 27/08/2025 22:30

You can tell he’s being a dick because it doesn’t sound like he’s take advantage of some of the tax benefits of being married. I’m going to guess that he’s not been paying into a private pension for you too…

BigCity · 27/08/2025 22:31

Yes they would both need to house the dc, so he wouldn’t be able to argue he should have all the savings and assets. Yes once they separate the court would expect her to maximise earnings but they aren’t going to dig into why she hasn’t worked before now. I had a very lazy exH and the court had zero interest in what happened during marriage or assigning blame. It’s a financial case not a moral one. There’s a broad financial formula for a split and the husband is kidding himself if he thinks his contribution will be treated any differently because it’s financial. The caselaw says her role at home will be treated as equal.

ChaiLatteCarrie · 27/08/2025 22:32

Write up an invoice for all the childcare, taxi service and admin you've done to try and even begin to explain to him the value of what you have contributed to the family. Plus calculate loss of earnings in this time. Maybe he'll apologise... Maybe he'll just get an idea of what you'll claim from him in the divorce.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:33

@BigCity She will have to (quite rightly) find work though as you say and this isn't going to be easy for someone who has not kept her career on for what sounds like a very good number of years.

UncharteredWaters · 27/08/2025 22:34

Pay that overdraft off today with those savings. Then move exactly half to your name only.

and it stays there. No matter how much shite he chats.
he’s shown you his early colours

TheFlis · 27/08/2025 22:36

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:17

Again, I'm not sure we are talking about the early years? I'd like to know how old the OPs children are?

The OP mentions having ‘two more teens to go” so I’m guessing 2 mid teens plus older siblings and she hasn’t really worked for at least 15 years.

DeedlessIndeed · 27/08/2025 22:37

This isn't right or normal.

You say you cannot work now. I'd have a sit down chat with husband and discuss solutions for childcare over the holidays as you need to work FT as you need the money.

He is a selfish arse. I doubt he'd have gone PT and sacrificed his career to raise your kids.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:38

@DeedlessIndeed Why can't she work? She has teenagers!

Typicalwave · 27/08/2025 22:41

You’re being financially abused.

Typicalwave · 27/08/2025 22:42

UncharteredWaters · 27/08/2025 22:34

Pay that overdraft off today with those savings. Then move exactly half to your name only.

and it stays there. No matter how much shite he chats.
he’s shown you his early colours

And do this.

TheCalmCat · 27/08/2025 22:45

You are not a freeloader - if anything, he’s the one freeloading off all the unpaid childcare, school runs, holidays, household admin and support you’ve given so he could focus on his career. That is real work.

What you’ve described is financial control, and it’s a form of abuse. Saying “my money,” refusing to include you in financial planning, and humiliating you for being overdrawn are huge red flags. A marriage is meant to be a partnership, not one person holding all the power.

You absolutely have rights as his spouse, and a proper financial advisor would never exclude you. Please don’t buy into his narrative - your contribution is massive, and you deserve equal security, respect and a say in decisions. These are not the words and actions of someone who loves you, and your children will benefit from seeing you stand up for yourself, I’d suggest you get some legal advice - sending you strength!

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:47

@TheCalmCat Her children are teenagers. Yet to be disclosed how old.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 27/08/2025 22:48

I’m always shocked that women end up with, and stay with, selfish men like this. Imagine having his attitude yet the mother of his children has sacrificed her career to raise them. I just can’t relate at all because I’d never put up with such a selfish person.

coravantexel · 27/08/2025 22:48

Thank goodness you are married. When you divorce him you will be entitled to 50% of all the marital assets. Make sure you know what money is kept where - bank statements, savings accounts, pensions, mortgage statement etc. Take copies and photos. Do not mention the word divorce until you are ready as he’ll no doubt try to hide assets in preparation. To be honest it sounds like he might already be thinking about it himself.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:49

@SaulHudsonDavidJones Tbf Ive never understood women who think having a baby entitles them to give up work for years and years on end. Long after the children need them at home.

Notmyrealname22 · 27/08/2025 22:50

This is financial abuse. The correct answer to “how does it feel to be overdrawn at your age?” Is “it feels pretty shitty that my husband does not recognise my contributions to the family and give me access to OUR money so that I am not overdrawn. The only reason you’ve been able to advance your career so much is because of my contribution to our family in terms of childcare, household labour and admin. So, in recognition of that, I will be paying all family expenses from the joint account from now on. If you don’t agree, I guess it’s time for my solicitor to contact yours to get the ball rolling on our divorce.”

I find it weird that he’s put money in a joint account but doesn’t see it as joint. I wonder if that was to fool you into thinking you had equal access without really giving you equal access. He sounds very controlling and manipulative based on this alone.

I fucking hate these men who only see the financial contribution as being the money brought into the household, and ignoring all the free labour contributed by their partner.

I hesitate to put this here as I don’t want it to come across as me gloating, but I want to share with you what fair should look like in a family. My DH and I have pooled all our money since got married. Everything goes into a joint account that all household expenses are paid from. We each get the same amount of fun money each month that is ours to spend only on ourselves as we see fit, no questions asked. As a matter of courtesy, we discuss and agree upon any unusual or large purchases from the joint account before they are made, but not once has he or I made a complaint about money spent from the joint account. This is what you should also be able to expect.

I wish you well OP, but I think your best course of action here is divorce. He does not see you as his partner in life. He does not recognise your contributions to the family. Do it sooner rather than later. I suspect he’s waiting for the kids to leave so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance then will really screw you over, when perhaps it’s too late for you to recover financially. And when you do get divorced, fight like hell for every single penny, it is as much yours as it is his, don’t let him think because he earned more than you that he is entitled to more, that’s not how it works. And make sure you get CMS for the kids.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:52

@Notmyrealname22 Do you both work and how old are your children? This lady has teenagers I believe.

Booboobagins · 27/08/2025 22:53

Your DH is an AH. He's financially abusing you. Get shut and take him to the cleaners. He doesn't deserve you and you dont deserve to be treated like a skivvy.

Anyahyacinth · 27/08/2025 22:55

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:49

@SaulHudsonDavidJones Tbf Ive never understood women who think having a baby entitles them to give up work for years and years on end. Long after the children need them at home.

It’s quite simple ..childcare costs outweigh returning to work..add in domestic duties and the benefits are often spectacular for the working husband…an absolute bargain of a family life in fact

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:56

@Anyahyacinth Except teenagers don't need childcare. The OP is choosing not to work.

DeedlessIndeed · 27/08/2025 22:56

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 22:38

@DeedlessIndeed Why can't she work? She has teenagers!

Did you read my post? I wrote that she needs to sit down with DH to come up with a solution for sorting the kids so she can work full time, to earn money?

It would be fine to leave a 16 YO all day. But you can't leave a 13 year old without some kind of provision for checking in. It's not on OP to sort that out single handedly.

She needs to step up, but so does the husband.