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Original poster

When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

475 replies

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 27/08/2025 23:19

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 21:57

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Your husband is absolutely vile. Divorce him, and he'll soon find out it isn't all his money or just his house. The utter prick.

Original poster
RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:21

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/08/2025 23:18

Raising children and keeping the home is work. Just unpaid, thankless work that isn't valued by many.

Show quote history

This is a point I've been trying to make to my husband for so long.

I'm sure he also thinks that my helping him with his accounts which takes up 1-2 days a week isn't actual work either as it's unpaid.

OP posts:
Noelshighflyingturds · 27/08/2025 23:23

RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:21

This is a point I've been trying to make to my husband for so long.

I'm sure he also thinks that my helping him with his accounts which takes up 1-2 days a week isn't actual work either as it's unpaid.

Show quote history

Hes a typical misogynist pig. They do not get better with age. Youll be his nursemaid soon

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 23:23

@RachelBee Stop doing his accounts. You could be in paid work for these two days which will help you to save up for if you leave him.

UpUpAwayz · 27/08/2025 23:23

At 15 and 17 your kids don’t need supervision in the school holidays? This is not a reason not to find full time work. At 17 I worked all through the holidays to earn money, I wanted to buy my first car, so I was out all day! As pp have said you need to get your ducks in a row sharpish. Your husband is a selfish egotistical twat.

toottoot3 · 27/08/2025 23:24

Why did you give up a career to raise kids without being compensated for it? Why won't you touch the money in Joint account? Why is he comfortable telling you he is only looking after himself money wise? Why would you still wait now getting a job? Only cause your letting it happen.
He can run the kids to school, don't feel sorry for him or worry how that fits in for him, he has told you, he is only caring about himself....
We fall into these roles convinced it will work out cause it's for the greater good, that bubble has burst now, he's told you, you are on your own, please listen and start looking after yourself. Get a job, lawyer and leave with half the money, and never allow this to happen again.
Both myself and partner have took turns being the earner, it's joint money if either pennies or pounds

fivetriangulartrees · 27/08/2025 23:25

I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf. How dare he take the piss out of you for not having enough money when he's taking your labour and not paying you for it! How dare he!

707girl · 27/08/2025 23:26

Ooh this rattles my chain a bit!
I would be very tempted to bill him for your time - every school run, every meal made, all the cleaning, you name it. Use the data from what cleaners, cooks and taxis charge an hour and go nuts.
If he is going to play 'my money/your money' when you have sacrificed all these years your career opportunities, then he gets charged for that I think.
Best of luck!

grrrlatrix · 27/08/2025 23:27

bombastix · 27/08/2025 21:59

You need a lawyer, not a financial adviser. He’s as good as told you.

He is also very unpleasant to you. Don’t imagine it will get better. Do you love him because it doesn’t sound like he does you.

100%.
This is dreadful - and clear financial abuse.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/08/2025 23:28

Your husband is a financially controlling, emotionally abusive bastard.

People have given good advice on what financial documentation you need to find and take copies of. Tell him nothing!

Then divorce his financially abusive ass. How fucking dare he humiliate you and shame you when you have raised his children and put them above your own career/earnings. He disgusts me.

Ignore the idiot who repeatedly carries on that you should be working, and not doing school runs, who clearly has no understanding of rural living!

oviraptor21 · 27/08/2025 23:30

Yep. This is financial abuse OP.
I'd stop doing his accounts unless he pays you for it and use the time to take on some more work.
I sort of agree that you could work some of the school holidays too. But time your annual leave to coincide with the long summer holiday so the DC don't have too long with no adult company. And this can be the pattern of things after you have separated too.

RubyMentor · 27/08/2025 23:31

You need to bill him for doing his accounts and back date it!
He’s a bully and controlling you

Original poster
RachelBee · 27/08/2025 23:31

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 23:18

Seriously?!!! 15 and 17 yo kids do not need a parent doing school runs or childcare!!! Sorry but to me that is just an excuse not to work. My kids are 5, 15, 17 and I have always worked. Yes the oldest only live with me pt but I still manage to work!

Hello

Just to clarify I've always worked both FT & PT.

PT came about due to moving to a rural location with no childcare and no support when they were little. I've also taken on helping with DH's accounts which can easily be a couple of days a week and until last year I was also trying to visit my dad who was in a care home at least two mornings or afternoons a week. Along with the usual washing, cleaning and cooking the week just disappeared.

The school run isn't an excuse. The bus is extortionate and it worked out cheaper for me to drop them and they get the bus back so I can get some work done. But...I still need to pick them up from the bus stop which is still a drive away.

My head has been spinning as to why I can't get a great full time job that pays a decent wage and still allows me to be there for the school run, sort the accounts and still do all the cooking, cleaning etc.

This chat has made me realise though that I need to start looking elsewhere for work outside of the house so it can be recognised as 'proper' work.

OP posts:
AngryBookworm · 27/08/2025 23:31

I'm not adding anything at this point but this just makes me so furious. While you've generously given of your time and energy, and money through lost earnings, because you assumed you were both invested in the family unit and saw resources as shared, he's been quietly taking your unpaid labour and sitting on the fact that he doesn't consider it shared.

I'd love for you to just stop doing things, get a full time job and have him suddenly be fielding all the 'invisible' (it's not really invisible, it's men's choice not to see it) load that you've taken on as well as the actual work that you seem to have been doing. I can also see how that would cause more trouble than it's worth for you - PPs' advice re consulting a financial advisor and divorce lawyer is a much better use of your time. Do definitely take on more work though. Your DC may well not feel as neglected as you worry they will...

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 23:32

@ReadingSoManyThreads I'm "the idiot'. I also live rurally and have three kids - 5, 15, 17. Was also a single parent for a good number of years. Have always worked (except for mat leaves). My kids are also of course in primary and secondary (secondary not local as rural). So yes, I do feel more than qualified to say OP can work.

Tiswa · 27/08/2025 23:33

What household chord and childcare does he do or does he just earn money you aren’t alllowed to spend

he needs to step up and do the school runs to enable you to get a job and take on more or understand what your role is as facilitator of his job and therefore your joint role in it all

EggBleater · 27/08/2025 23:33

@RachelBee why is he not paying you for doing the accounts? If he is self-employed or runs a company he'd be saving tax by paying you - if he thought of the marriage as a team. But he's taking your free labour and keeping all his earnings for himself!

BashfulClam · 27/08/2025 23:34

You need to tell him you are thinking of divorce (then he’ll see what joint income means). My friend is being financially abused by her lazy arse husband and I want her to wake up. Both her and him work
full time but her wage goes into his account, not a joint account. She has the physical back card and he has the contractless Apple Pay. She has to ask him before she spends a penny and if he doesn’t like how she spends he blocks the card in his online banking so she can’t use it. She broke a tooth last week and he told her she can’t have any money to sort it as they he needs to pay for his weight loss injections…I was slack jawed as she acted like that was all normal!

DrBlackbird · 27/08/2025 23:35

Winter2020 · 27/08/2025 22:01

That sounds awful. I think it's time to tell your husband that school runs/childcare are his responsibility from September - he can do them or pay for a childminder to do them as you need to get back to work and start earning. Ask him how it feels to get to his age and not stepped up for his kids. Time for change.

Edited

This ^^

I read a study that men needed life insurance for SAHM because if she died it’d cost him approx £35k pa to cover the ‘free’ labour that women do including child care, housekeeping, personal admin etc etc. but men never see it like this.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/08/2025 23:36

He can start paying you for every bit of work you do for him.
You can then spend that money on transport for the teens to get from the school bus to home and vice versa.
and that solves your school run issue and thus you can get further paid employment elsewhere

When it comes to maintenance for the children, it does not have to end at 18, you can ask / request for it to end ' when the child finishes further and / or higher education '

DeedlessIndeed · 27/08/2025 23:36

RachelBee well I'd start charging for doing the accounts for one, or tell him to find someone else to do them.

His opinion is clearly that the fruits of your labour belong to the entire family, whereas the money from his work belongs solely to him.

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 23:36

@BashfulClam Sounds like my ex to a tee. He also screwed me over financially in the divorce unfortunately. She is absolutely best to leave him as it won't get better.

Ohnobackagain · 27/08/2025 23:37

Send him a bill for doing the accounts as well @RachelBee

grrrlatrix · 27/08/2025 23:39

Why are people still bleating on about OP’s role in this? Not all families have two working parents. Some even prefer that arrangement for lots of reasons. That doesn’t give him the right to make digs about her contributions. They are meant to be a team.
She is not the villain here!

everychildmatters · 27/08/2025 23:39

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Unfortunately pretty sure university isn't classed as further education in terms of CMS? Could be wrong but I know that's the case for CB.