When the joint finances suddenly aren't so joint after you've raised the kids....

[RachelBee]

Hi

Would be great to get some advice regarding finances.

My husband earns a very good salary and as his income has increased over the years I left my career and found myself taking the lead on childcare (including covering all the holidays), sorting out all the household jobs and admin, looking after his accounts for a few hours a week and taking on some relatively low-paid part time work so I can have some income.

We have a joint account but as it's my husband's earnings I try not to touch it. I have dipped into it every now and then but it would only to sort out something for the household and for the children.

We were talking about getting some financial advice so we could plan for the next few years and he made it clear that the money in the joint account was his as he had earned it. I was talking about getting a couple of ISAS - one in each of our names with some of the savings sat in the joint account - but he said he would only put one in his name not mine as I hadn't earned it. I felt rather shocked by this. He has also told me that he would only meet a financial advisor without me.

I've also been getting incredibly frustrated at not being able to make decisions about the house as I don't earn the money. We really need to update our house a bit. But he always says no.

I feel like such a fool. I'm always overdrawn after the school holidays and today he asked me how it felt to be my age and to be overdrawn. It felt so humiliating.

I would love to earn what he earns and to call the shots. I do try to see it from his point of view and when I do I can see I probably look like a freeloader.

I have two more teens to go and in the next couple of years I plan on returning to work full time and to earn my own money. I don't at the moment as I still have to do the school run (we live in a small village) and I still cover all the school holidays. We have no friends or family around to look after the kids. And I thought we have enough income to allow me to be here for the children.

So...I guess I'm asking for someone to tell me if I need a reality check.

Are there any rights about this or should I seek a financial advisor myself.

Is this common after women begin to reach the end of their child caring years and haven't earned much?

Sorry OP how old are you? You need to protect yourself financially because he isn't going to.
I would see a lawyer and get a job asap.
You are looking at a vulnerable future with an abusive man.
Please take this seriously.

I would withdraw half the savings into an account in your name. Tell him you didn't realise he thought that little of you so you will be starting divorce proceedings.

If he comes to his senses then insist that you want to be on an equal financial footing in order to consider taking divorce off the table. Insist that you look after half the money as you no longer trust him not to hide it.

Please only do this if you feel safe. If you feel unsafe then consult a solicitor ASAP but discreetly about divorce.

@DeedlessIndeed I totally agree with all that you have said here. I appreciate this isn't going to be easy over the summer holidays, and that absolutely she and her husband should be sitting down to work out what happens here, but for the majority of the time teenagers are in school.

Speak to a lawyer without him knowing and get a plan. Please listen to me, he is not to be trusted

You just straight out ask him how he’s going to manage his career and looking after the children 50% of the time.

@Silvertulips Plenty of women do it. I had years of 50/50 shared care with very young chidlren (started at 3 and 6) and still managed to work. They are not even little!

Yes, I know they are, the word children still includes teenagers 🙂
Children at any age will benefit longer term from seeing her do the right thing - OP I’m
sure wouldn’t want her children to grow up thinking this situation was normal or right and by doing something now will set an example of how they should be treated/ treat others.

Time to get your ducks in a row.

Consult a lawyer and tell him nothing til you have a firm plan. And move half the money out of the joint account before you speak to him.

@TheCalmCat What I meant by that is that they don't need childcare by mum.

@everychildmatters , We have taken turns being the main breadwinner. In terms of number of years supporting the other whilst they are not in paid employment, it’s probably roughly equal. In addition, I spent 7 years working part-time while the kids were young, so he was still the main breadwinner then. His earnings far outstrip mine, partly due to me supporting his career by looking after the kids. His job involves a lot of travel. If he’d had to say no to all the long hours and travel due to being responsible for drop off and pickups and looking after his own kids, he would not have been able to advance his career as much.

I’m currently taking a 3 month break as I was finding my job stressful and it was making me miserable, but prior to this I supported the family for 4 years. Our kids are teens now. Our financial arrangement hasn’t changed through all these years, regardless of who is doing what as we respect the other’s contribution, whatever form that may take.

What @BigCity said.

You must quietly get educated on your marital finances. Do not let him know you are gathering information. Get copies of his P60s for the last few years, download copies of all statements. All marital finances would be split regardless of how much you were in paid employment. You are in a better position for spousal and child maintenance if you are currently not working. If you start withdrawing half the money before you've had a chance to get at all the paperwork or consult a lawyer, he could start taking further steps to hide assets.

I know it's hard, but put aside your feelings and start getting practical, because you will need as much financial information as you can.

Thank you all so much.

I think confirming what I've been thinking. Sometimes you need to hear it from others as I wanted to make sure I wasn't being dramatic. I've heard similar stories and I've rolled my eyes and thought 'how did they end up in that position' and now I'm seeing it happen to myself. It feels like it has crept up and here we are..

A few clarifications....

I'm almost 51 and have always worked even if part-time and even if not on terrific wages. I used to have a good career but nowhere near as good as the husbands and when children arrived and especially when we moved to a rural area I switched to part time work. My dad was ill too so I was trying to do some part-time term time work, help DH with his accounts, look after the kids and visit my dad at least two/three times a week.

Now with one child about to go to Uni and my dad having passed away last year I have more free time. But I still have a 17-yr-old and a 15-yr-old to look after. They are far more independent than younger children but there is one school bus that drops them a 15 minute drive away and I need to pick them up. It's also expensive so I drive them in the morning to reduce the costs but that means a round trip of over an hour.

We've been together since we were 26 and he has never been great with financial planning - always very focused on his career. It's been a good marriage but it's been very much career first and us second.

We've always had a 'whats mine is yours approach'. But as the children have grown up whenever I've asked about saving for the future / financial planning he hasn't seemed interested. So these conversations have been brewing for sometime and as the first child is leaving for Uni they've come up and I'm surprised they aren't the collaboration I thought they would be. He even told me I couldn't get an ISA in my name alone as that would be fraud as they only allow one per household? Even I know you can have your own ISA.

I told him if he is fed up having to finance everything I totally understand (and I do - I would love it to be more 50/50). I would definitely go back to full-time work but he would need to take all his annual leave off - not just the odd week here and there every year and help with the pick-ups and appointments. But if I mention that I get a lecture about how important his job is or that he'll just pack it all in and I can work and we'll have to sell the house.

I'm rereading this and I can see how ridiculous it sounds that this is where I am.

Thank you for all the advice. I'm definitely going to speak to a financial advisor tomorrow and possibly a divorce lawyer.

He’s going to leave. You need a lawyer and quickly. He is financially abusive. I’m so sorry OP.

OP - your kids are 15 and 17. You CAN work.

You’re in such a vulnerable position OP, it’s a story as old as time. He sounds unpleasant? Was it a joint decision for you to give up your career to focus on child-raising and looking after the home? Has he shown resentment for it? It doesn’t really matter now, but I wonder if he’s built up resentment due to feeling pressured as a breadwinner, or if he’s just a bit of a dick.

Either way, in your shoes I’d be worried about my future once the children are up and away, so I’d start planning now. Train for work, get a job, educate yourself on your family finances as much as you can, think about speaking to a lawyer.

and to answer his question about how you feel about being overdrawn at your age? Take money from the joint account, clear your overdraft, and tell your DH that you feel pretty pissed off that you’re married to someone who was happy for you to give up your career to take care of kids and home so his could flourish but has no problem bitching at you because he leaves you without enough money to cover the extra costs of family life during the summer holidays!

I'm sorry but I would be emptying the joint bank account to start off somewhere new as he could never have earned it without your contribution.Divorce the bastard.

I’d want to say you’ll be sending him a bill for half of what it would have cost to get someone to look after the kids/house @RachelBee so he could go out to work … cheeky fucker … and you can tell him you’ll putting it in your own ISA along with everything else you’ll be entitled to. What a pig!

Well done OP - you deserve so much more respect and love than you have been given. Best of luck to you.

He’s not acting like a life partner who cares for you

total opposite of my parents who are one unit

Also, as you are 51, try to get records of his private pension/SIPP/work pension statements. In a divorce you could have claim to part of his pension through a Pension Sharing Order. If you don't have a SIPP already set up, you should set one up. You can still contribute £3600 (£2880 of your own money) even if you aren't working.

Definitely this !

No one who has actually raised children would say that teenagers don't need childcare

Raising children and keeping the home is work. Just unpaid, thankless work that isn't valued by many.

Seriously?!!! 15 and 17 yo kids do not need a parent doing school runs or childcare!!! Sorry but to me that is just an excuse not to work. My kids are 5, 15, 17 and I have always worked. Yes the oldest only live with me pt but I still manage to work!

I should clarify...

I have always worked...the part time work I mention is a job I'm actually paid for. The work I do helping look after DH's account is unpaid but takes up at least a 1/2 days a week. But I guess I don't consider it work as it's unpaid.

The kids are definitely old enough to look after themselves but there is the issue of a lengthy school run and the holidays where I don't want them left on their own all the time. We have no other family where we live so I think that is wrong.

But it has got me thinking about how I can take on more work or try and find a job near their school where I can build the school run around them. Then I just need to cover the holidays.