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Original poster

DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

511 replies

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 13:32

I'm not sure what he has objected to or why you decided to stop talking to him about money. In general I would say it's better to keep having the fights about financial goals and bills and agree an approach, but it sounds like that hasn't worked?

You clearly do earn well but without the context of nursery costs, housing costs, bills and outgoings, it's harder. Is he saving a lot? Di you have pensions, insurance, all that?

I can see in this case he was expecting perhaps one transaction of £40 or so on his card and instead ends up with 3 adding up to more like ?£70? I don't think he should have kicked off but at the same time I'd be a little taken aback by that.

Tiswa · 09/02/2025 13:34

You either need a very good long chat about outgoings and incomings and sort it out

or you separate

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 13:38

Surely it depends on how much you have left after essential outgoings -mortgage, bills, childcare - and how often you are doing paid-for activities.

It is possible to find cheap / free activities for children. It’s also possible to spend £££.

Other than childcare, (young) kids are as cheap or as expensive as you make them. But you and your DH need to be on the same page.

AgnesX · 09/02/2025 13:38

Spreadsheet.....and list everything, and I mean everything that you both spend. Utilities, mortgage, cars, phones, you spend it so you list it.
Separate the kids stuff out so he can see the extras.

If he still doesn't like it tell him he'll be paying for a second mortgage and CMS.

DearOwl · 09/02/2025 13:39

God, I can't imagine being 'taken aback' at a pair of shoes and a couple of activities being 70 quid. What world do people live in? Not the real one

OP - hard to advise as you've not supplied any further details such as housing costs or nursery costs. From what you've put though, tell him you want to divorce and that way at least, you'll be able to spend what you wish without him going on and on

Thighdentitycrisis · 09/02/2025 13:41

it sounds like you don’t have a clear agreement who pays for what and perhaps what is really necessary spending for kids (soft play?) 2 lessons a week for a 4 year old is a lot IMO

maybe start there?

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:42

@PermanentTemporary thats a fair point and it is what he complains about. The problem is that to a large extent that is life with little children. You realise you’re out of bananas and laundry powder, you’re out and need to pay for parking, can I have an ice cream. It’s just life.

We have tried the spreadsheet … it’s largely ineffective because we have separate finances. I know I just need to pay for mine and the children’s things and not involve him but it is ridiculous I have to do that.

OP posts:

wherearemypastnames · 09/02/2025 13:45

You don't just pay for the children's things - they are his children

What you might need is a properly worked out and agreed budget which includes stuff that might be occasional ( like the shoes ) as well as the classes and ice cream

iamnotalemon · 09/02/2025 13:46

Why does the DH think you are in financial ruin? I guess it's hard if he won't be honest with you about finances but do you know the whole picture?

I don't think you should be solely responsible for all of the children's costs, but, of course if you are taking them to M&S for lunch regularly, that could be reduced to keep costs down.

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 13:48

With a 6k income do you have monthly savings? Is it that he takes issue with certain things or is it that the pattern is overspending relative to income?
Sometimes it feels like there’s always lots of little spends in the week, but also they can add up to a lot. For example if you’ve already spend loads that week when you go out to buy bananas and laundry powder you also don’t need parking and ice cream because a 4 year old asks.

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:50

Re m and s - It could and I agree with that, it is a fair point. I think what I’m fed up with though is that whatever I spend will elicit remarks and criticism and after all they do have to eat something.

I can only do my budget @wherearemypastnames and have done so but the problem is when things are tight for whatever reason and I could do with him paying for a bit more.

OP posts:

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:52

Yes I know @Completelyjo and I have conceded this. I suppose my point is even free things have hidden costs which add up. Even if ‘only’ fuel. But at the same time some things do need buying. They have to eat, they have to be entertained in some way, they have to be clothed and they have to eg have their clothes washed and be washed themselves.

OP posts:

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 09/02/2025 13:53

I think sharing finances would massively reduce your sense of resentment (and maybe also his, as you'd have a fuller picture of the family finances)? I don't understand married couples with children who keep their money separate

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:54

It probably would @Alwayslurkingsometimesposting but he’d never go for it.

OP posts:

iamnotalemon · 09/02/2025 13:54

If he is not contributing to the finances for the children effectively, how can he criticise what you are spending? Or is that his reasoning for not giving you money, because he thinks you are 'spending too much'?

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 13:54

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:52

If you are actually struggling though you don’t have to eat out, they don’t have to be entertained at a paid activity very often.
I’m not suggesting you’re struggling on your income but depending on your outgoings it could just be that spending 100s a month on little trips and treats is just too high.
Who is more reasonable or unreasonable just depends on your actual financial situation. Does he cover all bills?
You say sometimes you feel like he should contribute more but that really depends on what each of your are covering.
If you’re spending £2k a month on personal bills like your phone, food, kids clothes and activities and running out of money at the end of the month then I could see how the other partner would find that an unreasonable level of spending.
Are you saving guys putting away savings?
It sounds like financial transparency is where most of the problems come from.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 13:54

Have you tried agreeing that you each pay into a joint “kids” account (or he just transfers some money to you for that, if you’re the main person sorting it)? I don’t think it’s fair if you’re unilaterally making a decision to spend that’s not in your budget and just expecting him to make up the shortfall but they are his children and he should be paying for at least half the AGREED spend on kids (and there should be an agreed spend - if either of you want to spend more, then it’s fair that’s on the person making that choice)

DragonfliesAboveYourBed · 09/02/2025 13:55

I know I just need to pay for mine and the children’s things and not involve him

No, you do not need to do that. You shouldn't do that! He earns more than you and they're his children too.

You realise you’re out of bananas and laundry powder, you’re out and need to pay for parking, can I have an ice cream. It’s just life.

It's hard for people to answer I think because we have no idea which of you is right. Do you have high housing and nursery costs that mean you aren't left with a huge amount after that? Is it a problem that you bought lunch while out, say yes to ice creams etc, or is he being controlling.
We earn well but don't routinely buy meals for the DC when out. Ice creams aren't routine either - on a day out, yes, but not a trip to the shop. Those sorts of "extras" (soft play as well) can quickly add up.
Basically - does he have a reason to be worried? If you don't have a budget and have separate finances, how can you know that you're right and he's not just wrong, but so wrong you'll no longer even discuss it with him?

Dror · 09/02/2025 13:57

You are financially entwined because you're married.
Does he not parent his kids? It's weird that he is shocked by the fact that his choice to have kids is not free.

Does he enhance your life and make it all easier and fun?

Lozzq · 09/02/2025 13:58

Have you tried setting up a joint monzo for bills. Then it’s fully transparent and fair, you can contribute an agreed proportionate amount a month and then review the expenses whenever you like. Then what’s left is for your own expenses. I have this with my DH and it works really well.

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:58

@Completelyjo that is because from my point of view we aren’t really struggling. I can certainly afford to have them go swimming and attend activities they enjoy.

He doesn’t give me money as such - to be honest I try really hard to avoid taking any from him as I know I’ll be given a hard time over it, if not immediately then later. We last had a row about it around Christmas (he was awful then) and I did threaten to end things which I think shocked him, but we didn’t speak about it and things just settled.

Then the week before pay day my hairdresser asked if I could change my appointment. DH ‘loaned’ me the money so I could go. I transferred it back but I knew it would set him off again and I was right, so I wish I’d just said no I couldn’t make it.

OP posts:

Original poster

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 14:00

@DragonfliesAboveYourBed i think both point of views are correct if that isn’t too contradictory. I do agree I can be a bit mindless with money, so I don’t own designer clothes or shoes but equally I’ll spend £3, £2, £3 again and by the end of the day realise I’m £20 down. This was probably exacerbated when on maternity leave. Equally though, we do, well, need some stuff. And I hate it when I’m given a hard time over eg buying laundry powder.

OP posts:

Painauraison · 09/02/2025 14:01

You both must be spending loads because your wages are high and there should not be issues with paying for kids things with that amount.

You should share finances as a team, not separate. We get about 5 depending on what I've worked and have a very nice life so not sure how you're having problems. Marriage is not 50/50 it's 100/100, complete transparency and both working together for the good of the family.

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 14:03

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:58

@Completelyjo that is because from my point of view we aren’t really struggling. I can certainly afford to have them go swimming and attend activities they enjoy.

But it’s not just swimming, it’s the overall picture. Swimming could be a few pound a week, equally several swimming lesson, soft play, ice cream out, coffee out another day, lunch out the next etc could add up to a lot if it’s weekly.

Who pays the bills?

Do you take a role in the mortgage, insurance, financial planning? Or is your money “yours” to spend on fun stuff for the kids send he deals with the big things?
Does he want you to take a more active role in the finances?

Are you guys saving?

It’s still hard to tell if he’s a tight controlling arsehole of it you just fritter away more than you see and he’s just exhausted with it.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 09/02/2025 14:04

When the dc need shoes etc send him and the dc.. He can see how much shoes and lunch cost... And he can bloody pay.

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