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Original poster

DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

511 replies

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

OP posts:
Original poster
imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 15:09

Jo - I know the facts and figures and you don’t. Maybe that sounds rude but the refusal to accept what I’m saying is also rude. I haven’t gone into exact facts and figures because I’m not currently planning on leaving but I have done so in the past.

Only a MN thread could go on about ouddlesuits and puddle jumping in the midst of this. And 😂 no. We were in one of the areas of the country with an amber weather warning, branches being ripped from trees and flung across parks, am I hell taking two preschoolers out in that. We do actually go to the park a lot, every day isn’t a constant stream of ice creams and soft play, but they do go and I won’t begrudge them that.

OP posts:
Acc0untant · 09/02/2025 15:09

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 15:08

I agree.
It’s a total hyperbole to claim this whole thing is over one soft play entry and an ice cream every now and then. Spending to the end of nearly 2.5k while the main bill from that is £800 childcare is a lot! Particularly spending that much and then crying poverty over broken shoes and a haircut.

Show quote history

Exactly. I wouldn't want to pool finances with someone who spends so much.

JLou08 · 09/02/2025 15:09

Has he experienced poverty before? People who have been in this situation can have a lot of anxiety around spending money.
Maybe it would help to have an extra pot for leisure activities and clothing that you both pay in to but you manage. It might help him see that there is enough money for these things and stop him questioning what is being spent.

Heatherbell1978 · 09/02/2025 15:10

I respond to all these types of posts with the same thing. Why on earth do you have separate finances? You're married with kids. Both salaries should go into one joint account. From that joint account you pay all your household bills like mortgage, council tax, car etc. I then transfer an amount from there to another joint account for 'food and kids'. Thats £800 a month for us. Then savings - I have a few different joint savings accounts for things like holidays. And then we each have the same discretionary spend every month (£650). We never argue about money because we have rules and structure. And importantly, the same amount to spend on what we like. There isn't this ridiculous arguing over who pays for kids shoes or who pays for swimming.

Puddingrun · 09/02/2025 15:10

I think I would be wondering how much money your husband is saving. We have a household income about the same as yours, we do pool everything. Our mortgage is the same as your childcare and we have two teenage sons. We are saving about 1000 a month. I think i would be asking questions about his finances.

fiorentina · 09/02/2025 15:10

Are you certain he doesn’t have debts you aren’t aware of? If he’s that worried about money.

Many couples have different attitudes to money with one being more risk averse than the other but he sounds ridiculously so and from what you’re saying you aren’t frivolous?

Choux · 09/02/2025 15:11

After childcare you have £1,700 a month. Do you understand where that money goes each month? If not perhaps you should work it out and review to see if there is money being frittered unnecessarily because you aren't as financially aware as you could be.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 09/02/2025 15:13

The thing is that he is paying flat costs which don't change much, whereas you are having to cope with all the changeable costs. He's saying that you should control those better - I doubt he would say that if his mortgage increased.

A couple taking home £6,500+ per month shouldn't be complaining about buying their children an ice cream. He's miserly if he does this. Same with the cafe at M&S - it's not going to break the bank.

What do you think you are each left with per month for yourselves?

User1786 · 09/02/2025 15:14

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 14:37

I don’t have one. I just know he wouldn’t go for it, and I can’t have a joint account alone, obviously!

Show quote history

Well then he need to pay towards his kids and home costs then! Everything has gone up so much and you can’t avoid it.

the7Vabo · 09/02/2025 15:14

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 15:08

I agree.
It’s a total hyperbole to claim this whole thing is over one soft play entry and an ice cream every now and then. Spending to the end of nearly 2.5k while the main bill from that is £800 childcare is a lot! Particularly spending that much and then crying poverty over broken shoes and a haircut.

Show quote history

There’s a trend on MN where posters see man + asking questions about money = financial abuse. The man in this scenario pays all the mortgage, all the bills except childcare and his partner has substantial money left to spend after the childcare bill.

Acc0untant · 09/02/2025 15:15

User1786 · 09/02/2025 15:14

Well then he need to pay towards his kids and home costs then! Everything has gone up so much and you can’t avoid it.

Show quote history

He's paying the mortgage, food and all bills by himself. How is that not paying towards his kids and home costs?

SpryUmberZebra · 09/02/2025 15:15

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 14:07

There won’t be any shared money. I realise that’s probably the ‘best’ solution but it won’t be happening.

My mistake was needing money from him, even if temporary. But to be honest even when I take nothing from him I still get snide comments so maybe I can’t win. I can live with the odd snide comment I suppose, it’s more the fact I feel like surely if there’s one person you should be able to say ‘could I have some money to get through the next week, it’s been an expensive month’ it’s your spouse.

Sorry but this is not a marriage or partnership, you’re just friends with benefits who have children.

Your solutions just a bandaid that will build resentment over time so you have to make a decision to accept it as your fate that you will pay for all the kids stuff while he uses his money for himself, both of you put in the effort to work on building a better relationship financially or go your separate ways.

When you say you’re paying for the kids does he pay other things like the mortgage, bills etc? How does it work for the household bills?

thrive25 · 09/02/2025 15:16

NRFT (which i will do!) but have read your updates OP

What I find unjust here is that your 'D' H pays the mortgage (so an appreciating asset) and you pay for the food & kids costs

So if you ever split he will say 'he's paid for the house'... I'd be tracking all spending & changing it to a joint account for mortage, bills, food & kids stuff that you both fund equally

They are his kids so half the costs of each ice cream etc is his! Too many men make themselves feel like heroes for 'buying the family a house' while their wives (or worse 'partners') pay for the kids which allows this

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 15:16

Well if you know how much he pays for all the bills and the mortgage but refuse to say what portion of his income that takes up, while suggesting “sometimes he could pay more” towards the things you have agreed to cover I’m not sure what help you expect on this thread.
You spend £1.7k on “kids stuff”, top up shops and personal spending in a month but at the same time are suggesting he’s leaving you to cover too much because multiple months you’ve had nothing left.

I can’t imagine the mortgage, energy, utilities, repairs, furniture, fuel etc leaves him with much more than £1k and it seems like you have that disposable left over too so on the face of it without you sharing the additional financial information it actually doesn’t look that unbalanced.

Cerialkiller · 09/02/2025 15:16

Difficult to say if DH is financially abusive currently but he is at the very least controlling and unpleasant.

If you are indeed working with 1600 a month and neither of you are expected to reveal finances I would take advantage of this.

You can't manage joint finances but you can manage YOUR finances. I assume that from September that your youngest will get free hours. Don't discuss this with DH just do the paperwork yourself and reduce that cost.

Budget you spending. Allocate a big chunk to go into savings in your name as a priority. You yourself say that you have bad spending habits so get on top of those. Allocate e.g. £100 per week on activities and come up with cheaper alternatives for the other days. Allocate e.g. £50 per week on clothes, hair cuts etc.

Is your relationship with him good other then the financial issues? If not I would consider getting myself in a position to leave.

Why are are dropping hours? That seems like a terrible idea!!!

Number1008 · 09/02/2025 15:16

I really don't understand why men are like this. Why do you have your money and he has his ? Shouldn't it be both your money is the family's money ? Their his kids too, so you shouldn't have to pay for everything. I sympathise with you, and I know a lot of mum's go through this.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/02/2025 15:17

@the7Vabo I see what you're saying , but what started the red flags waving for me (and many others) was the op saying that she's in debt from maternity leave. Why would that happen if your partner is on 4kpcm?

HeyMuggie · 09/02/2025 15:19

imsureiusedto · 09/02/2025 13:27

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

You earn £2k for 3 days work!! Where do you work!? Misses the point completely

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 15:19

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/02/2025 15:17

@the7Vabo I see what you're saying , but what started the red flags waving for me (and many others) was the op saying that she's in debt from maternity leave. Why would that happen if your partner is on 4kpcm?

Probably if you can’t normally get by from one month to the next on £1700 for discretionary spending, baby clothes and top up shops!
Maybe he didn’t think it was reasonable to still spend the same amount on a reduced income so OP put it on finance?

Rainbowdeer · 09/02/2025 15:19

Deciding not to talk to someone your married to and therefore financially tied to is insane !!

even if you row you need to sort this out
whats he spending on ?

Silvertulips · 09/02/2025 15:20

We were similar when the kids were small.

I would take them out to cheap days out, visit friends etc and like you say costs add up! A quick sit down and you’re buying hot chocolate, a sandwich or ice cream.

The only difference is, DH never commented, if anything he’d offer money towards the end of the month if I was short.

Even now it pay towards Uni costs, and send funds every now and then so she can live a nice life, that’s my choice and I would go without for them! He would never comment he knows I still look after them, help towards car repairs, lunch out etc - and he would still offer his share - because he’s kind. He understands.

I don’t know if I could be with someone who has little idea of reality.

Waterweight · 09/02/2025 15:21

Tell him you'd like a legal separation & too work out child support

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/02/2025 15:22

@Completelyjo I guess we'll never know if that's the case.

I do think it's insanity to be married to someone you can't sensibly discuss money with though. That's the only thing that is clear from this thread.

PermanentTemporary · 09/02/2025 15:24

OK you had me at 'debt for maternity leave' - excuse him?

And the fact that he can get randomly stung for £200 and chortle but give you the third degree over a £15 supermarket bill.

I would tell him that you need couples therapy right now on talking about money - and he can pay for it.

I have a very nice brother but he was an absolute nightmare about spending money following some adolescent money trauma and then a chronically ill partner. He hadn't moved on from that despite becoming really comfortably off. In the end he had some therapy and suddenly he will do things like go out for dinner Shock

MissDeborah · 09/02/2025 15:25

So he earns £4K
You earn £2K plus £450

Edited you pay CC and kids stuff
Him everything else
Can you give us figures?

He seems to have set himself up as " in charge" of money and freely criticises you?
However you are the one who deals with everything?

Major edit as Op has updated
Can you set budgets for everything??