DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

[imsureiusedto]

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

It's not actually about the money. It's about power and control. He has the power to spend his (considerably higher) income exactly as he chooses. He thinks he has the right to criticise you for spending your (considerably lower) income on things that you and the children need, let alone things that you want. None of it is based on what is a reasonable expense in the context of the cost of living and your family income, because there is no family income - only his and yours - and there is no reason. His attitude is driven by his need for power and control, not by reason.

It's his money (seeing as you don't have a joint pot).
With all due respect, I feel you do have quite aot of money to play with and don't need the ice creams, food out as often as you seem too.
I don't really understand how you're running out. Although from my own experiences, it is easy to realise, shit ... Where did that go?? I impulse spend due to ADHD although I have got a lot better over the past 5 years.
Do the spreadsheet thing for you.
You said about buying fuel and stuff.
Just buy fuel. No need for other stuff.

I can see why your other half gets pissed off but how he behaves is not ok.
Remember your lo will feel the energy and learn from what they hear.

You have had a hard time on this thread OP, I think lots of people have posted without reading all your responses!

I would think really hard about reducing your hours further, I would also put in a claim for child benefit!

If he wants to run things separately then he can crack on - you claim the child benefit - he can pay the tax on it!

And to totally ignore the point of the thread the fact that you found new shoes for £30 is amazing because I haven't found a new pair of shoes for £30 for about 20 years! 🤣

I hope you sort things out one way or another but do try to make sure you aren't being put in a worse position.

As a married couple, shouldn't you be pooling resources and funding things as a single family unit. Why exactly do you have separate finances unless you are expecting to split up?

Please read the thread!

500 posts The OP has stated so many times her husband won't pool resources!

I don't have time to read 500 posts!

Click show all Ops posts as a minimum then.

He does sound quite controlling around money. You shouldn't have to be afraid of raising this with him. Do you both pay into a personal/Occupational pension and or savings? Or does he expect you to spend all your money on your requirements and the children? If only he is able to save or prepare for the future, then this isn't fair. They are his children too and you also need to consider your financial future.

Firstly, I am really so sorry you've been getting so much stick on this thread - so unreasonable/nasty/uncalled for. Please don't take any of it in, some people are clearly miserable c++nts.

It sounds like such a hard situation, finances with spouses is a tricky area find a balance & I think every couple has their own way. My husband used to be a little cagey about his earnings/savings etc & I think he's a little old fashioned on that front. Over time (married for 10), we do chat more openly about savings/salaries & I think we are now in a healthy position. We ave a joint account, he earns about 5 x more than me & pays for everything, I pay for my car, childcare & bits kids need (which is always such a chunk of money each month!).

If I need more, he always offers me to use joint & I do - I do always ask first as I feel it's courteous but he always says yes, without a word of discouragement.

If I'm short one month, he offers to take what i need from joint. Im not an overspending & not tight either so spend what we need.

I think, your husband really needs to get on your page & have these difficult conversations and be more of a team in terms of finances. I really hope you can work through it.

I had a similar scenario with my partner he is very strict with money where I'm like you I just pay for what needs paying when it needs paying not much of a planner/spreadsheet person. What me and my partner did to avoid arguments is set up a separate account and added a set amount each we from our wages and called this our fun spends. Anything for the kids like trips out, little extras came out of that and if it was running low and not due a top up it meant we just did free things like walks and museums etc it stopped arguments and also meant we where a bit more mindful on both ends. He realised you can't be so strict and I realised I should probably be a bit more organised. Might be worth a try? We did have to go through a trail and error phase of adding money etc but it smoothed out in the end. Hope it gets sorted :)

We have separate finances. It started as I worked self-employed in a previous career and it made sense to keep my income separate from his. We only still do it because we have the communication and similar enough financial values to make it work. We are also both great at mental arithmetic, so are both aware of what is being spent.

We are each responsible for specific bills and purchases (incidentally, he has always paid childcare as it also enables him to work - it’s a heck of a lot cheaper in my country, though). However, with larger or unexpected purchases we will always ask whether a contribution is needed - or even sit together beforehand and work out how to finance it.

If this isn’t the way your mind and communication work, a joint account for shared expenses would work better - as well as making him responsible for sourcing certain child-related things so he understands the costs.