DH and money -How can I get through to him that young children are expensive?

[imsureiusedto]

My DH is obsessed with the idea that we are on the verge of ruin. It’s putting intolerable strain on my marriage and I keep questioning if I want to be with him at all. When I raise it things improve for a while but a few weeks later revert.

We have two children who are four and one (two in midsummer.) I think it’s since younger child was born that this narrative started appearing and it’s now seeping into everything. He is constantly complaining. I work three days a week and I earn just under £2000 (I am talking in terms of take home pay.) He works full time and he earns more than double that, but I do also have a rental property which brings me around £450 so that helps. So we obviously earn well.

After a while I decided that I just wasn’t going to talk money with DH and that I’d pay for what I needed and in effect act like I was single from a financial point of view. This sort of worked for a while but this month has been an expensive one. So yesterday we spent

DDs swimming lesson (I pay for kids swimming)
DS soft play (he can’t swim at the moment due to an ear infection but I obviously didn’t want him to miss out)

Then I took them into town. My shoes broke on Friday so I was going to get a new pair. DH gave me his card; I stupidly said yes. Bought my shoes (£30) and lunch for the kids at m and s.

Then DDs dance - I paid for.

I am absolutely fed up of it. Does he think they can’t eat or that their activities should be curtailed when we earn well?

I am paying off debt from maternity leave as well

Did he not contribute to maternity leave??

um no. If you really must have separate finances then you “charge” him his half!! £30 swimming, £20 shoes, add to a spreadsheet and divide it up.

ORRR you get one joint account for children stuff and work out how much to put in per month for both of you. Once it’s gone it’s gone but if you don’t spend, it rolls over.

@sallyanne33 honestly the big problem is that as silly as it might sound, DHs life barely changed when we had our first. Before we had DS I worked full time so obviously earned more and also had a more senior position. So my maternity pay then was fairly good. Not amazing but OK.

I went part time and with less responsibility after DS. I don’t regret that and anyway, I genuinely couldn’t have continued with my previous job and had DH do his (you see where this is going) but it meant when I had DD, my maternity pay was quite low and then plus we still had nursery fees, two children obviously are more expensive than one.

I am not trying to invite a pile on of DH here. There is fault on my part here too. But I do feel I get a needlessly hard time over ordinary family things. If DH had the children even half as much as I do he’d undoubtedly find he was spending more, but he doesn’t.

I’d be very interested to know this too!

Just sympathy here op. My husband was extremely anxious and controlling over my maternity leaves and the first bit of my DCs lives.

as a result I paid for most of the kids things. It was just easier but I am the higher wage earner and he was being a complete dickhead.

I honestly nearly left him a number of times over the period but stuck with it. Maybe easier for me as the higher wage earner, even part time so I don’t feel vulnerable.

now my youngest is 3 and the nursery years are nearly over we have pulled together much more and have the same goals. He now accepts I won’t give him access to see my accounts as he is controlling. But I do tell him what is in them from time to time.

some men need to be managed in this respect.

as silly as it might sound, DHs life barely changed when we had our first

If DH had the children even half as much as I do

I feel like finances are not the only problem here.

Why wouldn't he? This is at the heart of it. Does he believe that is income is his alone, despite him being a married man with children? Does he think you should pay all costs related to the kids, even though he earns twice as much as you? You seem to be be buying into that yourself.

He's well paid but stingy, and that's hard to live with. Unless you have a vast mortgage and other expenses that swallows up most of his income, your joint earnings are high enough for you to live very comfortably, and you don't need to scrimp. If his income isn't accounted for by household expenses, where is all his money going??

I have a DH who tends to be stingy, and forever talks about cutting down, when we live very frugally and put a fair bit into savings. But in our case I earn much more than him. If I want to buy some modest thing and he's grumbling, I tell him I'm not denying myself something normal so that we can have even more savings to sit on.

This is never going to work long term and you’re going to feel more and more resentful as the dc get older and cost more, which they will, in terms of clothes, gadgets, activities etc.

If he won’t agree to some sort of joint finances where you both end up with equal personal spending money it’s doomed really. (I say that from personal experience). I feel really strongly about this and it’s one of the things I just wouldn’t budge on when I married my dh (second husband). He works, I haven’t worked since Ds was born 13 years ago (but I had a high earning career before that and owned my house outright), we have a joint bank account everything goes into and out of and we transfer a set amount of equal spending money to our own separate (but in joint names so visible to both) bank accounts for our own haircuts / clothes / hobbies etc. Days out, kids stuff comes out of the joint account - Ds is 13 and dd aged 22 (obviously dd is self sufficient but we sometimes go out to eat together and will pay).

My ex dh was very much like your dh and it was one of the reasons we split up.

God I just could not be arsed with years of this horrible miserly take on life. Your children are so young so there are just years and years of it ahead and their needs get more expensive as they get bigger I couldn’t cope having to explain why my children should have nice things and experiences that we could afford, a man who is tight with his wife and children is so unattractive

That is actually really reassuring. I feel like living the rest of my life with someone grouching at me for not even spending half the time - I’m even having to police my conversations to stop sending him off. As you say it is just easier paying yourself!

But what does he have to say about laundry powder?! The brand? Or does he not understand that clothes need to be washed?

What’s your objection to a joint account or at least an account for bills, childcare etc where you both pay in an agreed proportion based on your salaries?

Ooooh, Classic set up for future financial abuse and shenanigans there.

Maternity leave was your problem (the clue is in the name) and so you ended up running up debts while you took time off work to physically bear and care for your mutual children. Did he expect you to make your usual financial contributions or bear your normal costs on a reduced income? would he discuss finances during or before your children about how you would manage on maternity pay?

And if he pays for everything other than childcare / kids activities shouldn’t he be buying it anyway?

He doesn’t. It’s more <sharp intake of breath> FIFTEEN POUNDS at Tesco!? And then I have to justify it.

Do you have savings? Are you in overdraft or debt every month? Doy9u have any shared financial goals? How much do you think you both have for fun money each month?

Childcare will reduce in term time but children's costs will go up in general as they get older and want more branded stuff, tech, clubs and activities, money for socialising, school trips etc etc. So if you don't sort this out at some point you will end up with a bigger problem

You can either try and discuss it again together or discuss with a counsellor. If you discuss together try and agree some ground rules in advance - no accusations, no sentences that start with 'you always' , acknowledge that you both want the best for your family but you have different opinions about how to achieve that, acknowledge that where you have very different attitudes, you are going to have to compromise. Set aside some time in advance without the kids. Repeat back what the other person has said so that you both show you're properly listening eg you might have to accept that he genuinely finds it difficult to see you throw money at coffees and ice creams when you're out then tell him you're short at the end of the month. Beforehand write out what you want to achieve, what's a non negotiable, whats negotiable. And agree to accept that the others feelings (not opinions on you but how actions make you feel) are valid. Ask questions. Eg tell him whether he intends to or not, you feel anxious about discussing finances because it often ends in an argument. Why does he think this happens and what can you both do about it to make these discussions go more smoothly. This will only work if he is a generally reasonable person but has some hang ups about money. If he gets defensive generally and can't talk about feelings then it won't help

I don’t have one. I just know he wouldn’t go for it, and I can’t have a joint account alone, obviously!

OP. Just because one other poster accepts this behaviour doesn’t mean you should! If he earns more you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about laundry powder and that you have to pay everything for your joint children! It’s verging on financial abuse, please don’t just say “oh it’s normal”

So you still had to cover the nursery fees from your maternity pay and you went into debt from that? Not trying to incite a pile on, but that is quite an important clue as whether he is financially abusive or not.

I think at the moment it isn’t abuse but I can see how it could become so.

The poster did say she’d nearly left and I have thought about it. But my main worry is that I’m reducing my hours again next year. And this is where it is so frustrating. DH is happy for me to work less when it means he doesn’t have to worry about childcare but not so much when he has to pay for things.

Hmm I'm on the fence here op. My DC are grown up now and whilst DH was a very high earner, that wasn't the case when they were 1 and 4. At that stage I was a SAHM and spent what needed spending and gave DH a bill and the receipts at the end of the month. He never questioned a thing.

However at 1 and 4, the one year old wasn't having swimming lessons, partly due to ears and partly due to the fact they weren't imo necessary. Soft play was a monthly treat, lunch out was a monthly treat and we did lots of free stuff like the park, bike rides, garden centre which had incredible tropical fish tanks (free aquarium), drive to a big local park to spot deer, etc. If I had a coffee it was a once a week treat although coffee culture wasn't a thing then. If we went to soft play it was before or after lunch and requests for ice creams were usually met with a "no, it isn't a day out and there are ice creams in the freezer at home.

Having said all that I don't think I ever bought myself a pair of cheap shoes but neither have I ever been in a position to have to ask for a sub for stuff like a hair appointment - I went back to work when the youngest was in reception so had my own money peanuts to budget with then.

We were in London, and I usually managed to park for very little because I knew the spots although imagine that's harder now. Before they were free we had an annual ticket for the South Ken Museums and took a picnic.

I can see your DH's point here but also think there is a need for a transparent discussion and that you need to account for your spends and maximise the free stuff whilst researching your DC about the "no" word.

Do you know how much your mortgage and bills actually are? You say it’s easier to not involve him in “your” financial stuff but does that mean you opt out of his?

Really spending £1200 a month on “kids stuff” is a lot. Do you save from that? I’m assuming not if you sometimes get to the end of the month and run out.

Do you think he feels you waste money?

100%.
I’m even having to police my conversations to stop sending him off Can you not see that this isn't how marriage should be, @imsureiusedto ?

I'd seriously consider leaving. He sounds financially abusive. Someone that rants whenever they're asked to take responsibility for something can't be reasoned with , so you keep your mouth shut. This is what abusers want.

I was quietly reading along until you said that you have debt from maternity leave. That's unacceptable when you have a high earning partner. I don't know how he lives with himself.

You own a property. You could potentially leave him. You're not stuck.

Is everything okay in the relationship in general? Perhaps have a think about it.

You are married though so everything is shared.

what strikes me here is the feeling you shouldn’t need anything from him - but he is your partner so shouldn’t supporting and needing things from each other be part of being together

having it all separate is just not part of what being married is - given it literally does tie you together legally