Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

It absolutely amazes me how some women get themselves into these situations! OP, you have been a fool to put up with this. I doubt he will change, just kick him out and get on to CMS. Or you can continue to put up with a cocklodger, your call.

Please please do this and it's not a question of whether or not he agrees, it needs to be a, "this is the figure, can you make sure a standing order is set up for the XXth of every month to ensure it's there when my bills are due". Otherwise please do send him packing, he will soon realise that it's a hell of a lot more if he has to factor in not only his own household bills but child maintenance payments to you as well!

On another note, if this is what the guy is like please be wary of him in general and don't continue to let things slide with him

Some of the relationships I read about on MN boggle my mind.

Offload this piece of crap, OP. He is absolutely taking the piss. Revolting behaviour.

I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop.

You had a kid with a cocklodger. Tell him to pay up or fuck off. He's taking the absolute piss because he's counting on you not saying anything. Because you haven't for months and months. Stop being a mug. People will walk all over you if you let them.

If you're serious about staying in this obviously financially abusive relationship, then I think your next step rather than talking again would be to write him an email with all the figures of what the home/ raising his child costs, what he needs to pay and any arrears since March. Keep it factual and formal, evidence things and give him a deadline to pay.

Then dump him and claim child maintenance.

You will "see if he agrees"???

This cannot be real. I refuse to believe anyone is this much of a mug.

Why the hell do you feel awkward bringing this up!? You need to be able to have difficult conversations with your partner. But it shouldn't even be difficult on this occasion because it's pretty damn obvious that he needs to pay his way.

But, no, you've bagged yourself a wrong 'un. At this point my conversation wouldn't be "Darling, can you please start paying me a little bit of money, petal?" It would be "Get the fuck out of my house, you premium cocklodging knobhead."

I think it's a bit harsh to say all these things can be sorted out in advance.

I have a fab DH and we communicate really well about most things but were never great at the marriage/baby conversations. The first I insisted, the 2nd was never resolved but hey, nothing in life is perfect.

The reason you feel awkward is because your fear the relationship isn't strong enough to withstand you standing up for yourself.

You're quite vulnerable as you stand, best to know you're on solid ground sooner rather than later.

Wow sorry to hear this OP, that's nuts! And for him not to be enthusastically taking on his role as father and partner in your family feels so...urmmmm unmanly. He's emasculating himself.

May I add in a suggestion for the future finances of doing a ratio split according to your salaries (i.e. not automatically 50/50).

No sitting down required. “ boyfriend you need to give me £x a month for bills starting now, plus £x to cover the eight months you’ve been here and not contributing”

Easy

FFS. Chuck him out and get a CMS claim in. He obviously doesn't give a shit.

Where was he living before? Presumably he’s now saving from not paying rent or a mortgage?
It is financial abuse if one of the 2 people in a living together/married relationship is worse off than the other.
The crunch point for me would be if he didn’t agree to a joint account for all household and baby bills.
Dont let him officially contribute to your mortgage though in case further down the line he claims it’s partly his

Saving it for when he leaves her for the woman that he actually wants to be with that’s what he’s doing with it

It’s the fact you’re trying to diplomatically find a way to approach a conversation about getting him to contribute the minimum whilst he’s merrily swindling his partner and his child.

He doesn’t deserve such consideration.

You don't ask you tell hkm and if he doesn't stsrt helping financially you get a new boyfriend or go it alone like you already are. Don't be a doormat.

You arent asking, youre telling. Do you have any support? Could your parents be there for the conversation if you feel you might bottle it?
G Wiz woman you have literally got yourself a man size pet to look after. A bit like a Labrador but less Cute . And it will take longer to die.

Are you afraid of being the subject up? What do you think his reaction will be?

This ! And yuck has this not massively put you off him ?

And this!

I feel that there are far, FAR too many women (on MN at least) who will literally put up with anything if it means them not being on their own.

It really makes me quite sad to be honest.

OP, you are using your own savings to pay for your house and baby whilst your boyfriend earns £100k and keeps it all to himself? And you are going to approach him and ask him if he is ok to give you some money? And if not then, what? "Oh ok, no worries! Just thought I would ask!"

“You either pay X amount per month or you leave. I cannot afford to subsidise you. You may not have noticed, but I am not earning at the moment.”

But honestly, my fanny would have fully healed over by now OP. The thought that he is earning £100k a year and spending it on… what? Whilst you spend you savings to pay for everything? Yuck. Ughhhh. What a pathetic excuse of a man and a father. At least he’ll have saved enough to get a place of his own and can’t use that excuse!

Once you have kids being ‘independent from your boyfriend’ often isn’t a helpful thing. Once on maternity leave and with kids, women will usually better off sharing finances. Some blokes have twisted this women’s ’independence’ thing to take the piss in quite a bizarre manner

That's outrageous. Why on earth are you letting it happen?!
Tell him he either pays his way (and pay you back for the months he hadn't) or needs to leave. Now.

He either pays the bills or at least half and buys all the things for his child or he leaves.

I was a lone parent. The other poor excuse for a human (DV) refused to ever buy anything not even a pack of nappies.

This @Ells2024 although I’d get him to pay up then get out. He is your biggest problem.