Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

Create a spreadsheet of all your outgoings - included everything - and then you will have a clear idea of household expenses to present to him. Do not let him carry on with not contributing any longer and you should certainly not be supplementing his living costs with your savings.

Has he paid anything towards the child?

Does he do any household chores/parenting?

Don't forget to backdate it to when he moved in. He owes you thousands

The you owning the house thing is relevant here. I wouldn’t necessarily be asking him to contribute to mortgage as you are not married and could create complications. However bills in including food should be paid and then I’d go as far as saying that he should pay a contribution to the childcare you are providing him at a cost to you (as you are only on SMP) and figure out a equitable way of doing this. Possibly look at local nursery fees and calculate half of it. Also he should be paying half of all baby stuff as well.

but he’s sounds like a wanker tbh. And selfish and you’d probably better of kicking him out and claiming CSA.

You are providing a home for you all. He should foot all the living expenses and pay you back for what you have spent on your household since Oct..

You start contributing or you fuck off, "boyfriend".
Probably better off without him present, paying for his son.

"Will see if he agrees..."

OP, if he doesn't agree, he moves out and you make a claim through CMS.

At the very least, he has a legally binding financial obligation to his child. As a parent, he should (at a bare minimum) cover half the costs of everything required for his child. Milk, food, clothing, bedding, furniture, nappies, baby classes, toys, housing, heating, travel... EVERYTHING necesessary for HIS child.

As you are unmarried, he does not have any financial obligation to you. However, as an employed adult living in a house, he owes his fair share of rent, bills, council tax, insurance, and whatever else he benefits from (food, petrol, car tax/insurance).

You said, "I am an independent person", I am very sorry and as gently as possible, in this case you are a mug. A baby is not an independent venture. Why should you subsidise the other parent in a joint venture? Especially when you are financially disadvantaged in comparison!

Sorry OP, but I am seething on your behalf. He is knowingly using you. Where is your independent courage and spirit? You didn't get to having your own home and being financially independent by giving handouts to every cheeky fucker that rolled up.

It is time for you to say "either we agree a fair division of costs for the house and for the baby or you move out and I shall apply to CMS." Although honestly, I dont see why you'd want to stay with a partner who treats you like this.

If you are determined to stay with this cocklodger, I would suggest:

• a fair market rent for a nice room in your area (with rental agreement to protect your house)
• 50/50 on council tax, electricity bills, insurance, etc.
• everything else (baby, holidays, joint purchases) split proportionally to income, to be reveiwed when you go back to PT/FT work or either of you gets a raise, etc.

Apologies again for the vitriol, it is for him, not you.

I feel outraged, but also sad for you. His actions reflect where his priorities lie. Personally I’d be so hurt and would have lost all respect and love for him. If I had to ask a partner, the father of my child, to contribute , the relationship would be over. I suspect he’s not an equal partner in any way.

In the nicest way possible, this is easily the CRAZIEST and WORST post I've ever read on here, and I've been here for 10 years+

I'm flabbergasted that you didn't have this discussion the day he moved in (if not before).

List all of your outgoings on a spreadsheet (not forgetting a projected monthly spend for food) and divide by two - that's what he needs to send you every month, once you are both at work FT. In the meantime, he needs to pay 100% of everything as you aren't working.

He has lived for 9 months without paying any mortgage, gas, electric, council tax, etc etc - he is TAKING THE PISS. Why are you allowing this?

He owes you backdated rent and bills for 9 months - give him a bill today. I expect he owes you at least £10,000.

PLEASE stand up for yourself. You need him to transfer to you TODAY what he owes you for the last 9 months. Have it all written down so he can see how you have calculated the amount.

Honestly, I am just aghast here and on the verge of wanting to punch a wall on your behalf. PLEASE get on this TODAY.

This is simple…..
“pay up or piss off”

100% this and there would be no negotiation but long term this probably isn't going to be the best relationship and I'd probably just tell him to get out

These posts shock me, but earning that kind of money and knowing your on mat pay how exactly did he think bills are being paid?

Disgusting excuse for a human being, no respect for you or your child. Get rid!

I'd write down all the outgoings. Sit him down tonight and say here are the bills , half is x amount but I'm on mat leave so until I go back tour share will be xx once I'm back it will be x and if he has anything to say I'd say goodbye! Freeloader taking advantage of you , what's he doing with his ££?! Urgh such a turn off. Good luck OP

No, you will not see if he agrees, you tell him:

It costs X amount to live here. This is your share. Shall we open a joint account for our living costs or are you happy to transfer into my account. As I have used my savings to pay for us both to live here I will also need to be reimbursed from when you moved in until now. Here are my bank details and the amount you need to transfer. You don't want to pay? That's your choice but you'll need to move out, as from now, this is a cocklodger free zone!

⛔ 🍆 ⛔ 🏠 ⛔

I hate the word, but he is a 'cocklodger'. More important though, he obviously doesn't see all three of you as a family unit and doesn't care about your financial wellbeing, ie if it causes you stress/upset. Unless he's talking about buying a joint property, I'd be concerned that he's able to save loads and one day when you hit a tough patch he'll be off as he won't have to worry about rent/a high mortgage with all his savings. I half bet he hasn't made a Will to ensure you or your newborn have security if something happens to him.

@Ells2024 get him out. He's taking you for an utter mug.

Put a CMS claim in ASAP for child support.

No decent partner would sponge off a new mum still on maternity leave and not chip in. He is a user and selfish to the core and you won't be able to change him.

OP this is horrible. He's taking massive advantage of you which isn't good at all.

Go through the bills, be clear about his share. Tell him he is paying, and make sure he pays for 50% of all the stuff you buy for your child. Time to get tough.

If he does anything other than apologise - kick him out now. And I'd backdate it to.

I would write it as an email so you have a paper trail if you suspect he will try and weasel out of it. Its easier to formulate responses to the points.

Saying that, you shouldn't have to even explain this. Theres no way it isnt intentional

100k and not contributing anything. Just WOW!!!

Good post.
This is the truth. OP- you need to be saying this to him, and assessing his response. He needs to apologise profusely and make an immediate payment to you, including paying his arrears back to when he moved in. Anything short of that, he's taking the piss, and you need to throw him out and claim child maintenance.
You need to find your clarity and your anger and use that to TELL him exactly what you want and what you consider fair. Ensure that he transfers the money immediately.

Are you very young? Who paid for him before you moved jn together? How can he not realise he has bills to pay? What is he spending his money on?

You have a few choices. Don't wait to 'sit down for a chat', he's clearly avoiding that or thinks it unimportant.

1. Inform him of what your monthly outgoings are, including everything: food, car fuel, insurances etc. Tell him he must contribute at least half, how you split it is up to the pair of you (we don't know how much you earn or what your maternity pay is) but half is the starting point.
2. End things because either he must be really dense if he hasn't realised he should be paying his way, or more likely, he's taking the piss because he can, or he has some sort of issue (gambling, drugs etc) that's swallowing all his money.

3.Just accept it and pay for everything forever. Eventually it will destroy your relationship, and you, and he'll leave (don't choose this!)

This stuff should be easy compared to all you've already done 'together' this year. Don't be scared to deal with it.
Remember, you are currently managing it all on your own, worst case scenario, if it doesn't go the way you hoped, you will manage just fine without him, just as you already are.

So not the point of the thread, but I hope that boyfriend is doing his share (i.e currently most of it as you have a very young baby) of housework. And also share of childcaring.

If not, I'd suggest having that conversation as well.

I have been watching my granddaughter for the past 7 years with no pay, I am currently pending disability and I let my daughter know that she is going to have to start paying me. What is the reasonable price for full time and at the least one sleep over. Also she is supposed to buy the food and doesn't so I end up having to buy it

I don't get how some women share a home with, have sex with and reproduce with someone they cannot even have a conversation with! Talk to him - tell him!

It is troubling that he cannot see what is needed by himself - but if he is too dim to get it then you have no choice but to spell it out to him.

@bagginsatbagend Said it better than me but yeah, I wouldn't even bother asking for money.

I would just end the relationship.

You haven't even lived together a year yet and this is how he is already treating you and his child? Keeping his salary for himself whilst his partner relies on her savings to pay for the household and his child? And he's ok with that?

He is a selfish cunt (and I NEVER use that word) and has no morals whatsoever.

Also, this would make me feel physically sick. I wouldn't even be able to look at him.

Do yourself and your child a massive favour and get rid.